444 Things I'm Not Allowed to Do in Amestris
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: There are lots of things you shouldn't do if you want to survive in Amestris...too bad our favorite characters are going to do it all anyway. The country can use all the chaos it can get! How many headaches can one group of people cause? Let's find out!
1. 1 through 12

**I really wanted to make a second list since I'm almost done with my fic 100 Things I'm Not Allowed to Do in Middle-Earth, so I decided to work with my absolute favorite fandom this time! I'm going to try to update this once a week once I complete 100 Things.**

**Disclaimer: Nope, I still don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Pokemon, Smurfs, Power Rangers, or any of the songs mentioned. **

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><p><em>1.) I will not use alchemy and live animals to simulate live-action Pokemon battles.<em>

"Skarmory, use steel wing!"

"Geodude, dodge and use rock slide!"

Winry, hearing the commotion despite being having a floor between her and the two brothers, stomped downstairs to figure out just what was going on. Upon seeing the havoc the Elrics had caused, though, she pulled out all the stoppers that kept her temper contained.

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING TO OUR LIVING ROOM?"

Ed and Al put down the innocent bird and pet rock they had kidnapped and fled from the wrenches being hurled at their vulnerable skulls.

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><p><em>2.) I will not dye Edward Elric blue and call him Smurfette.<em>

The door to Roy Mustang's office burst open with a bang, and the subordinates who were curious enough to look up from their paperwork were treated to a humorous sight they'd never forget.

"ALRIGHT, YOU ASININE COLONEL, HOW DO YOU GET THIS DYE OFF?"

Roy Mustang just chuckled. A blue-skinned Fullmetal Alchemist was just too funny! "But Smurfette, blue just looks too good on you-"

The Colonel had to jump out the window to save himself from Ed's alchemy. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO TINY THAT THEY HAVE TO LIVE IN SMURF VILLAGE?"

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><p><em>3.) I will not make a betting pool regarding Envy's gender.<em>

Envy barely managed to transform himself into the disguise of another measly subordinate as General Raven passed by. He sighed in relief. That had been too close!

...But his relief transformed into rage as he recalled what he had swiped from the desk of one Roy Mustang's subordinates. Gnashing his teeth furiously he pulled it out once more and reviewed it.

_Envy's Gender?_

_Male: Roy, Havoc, Breda, Falman_

_Female: Riza, Alphonse_

_Genderless palm tree: Edward_

What was that last one supposed to mean, anyways? "I AM NOT A PALM TREE, FOR THE LAST TIME!" Too late, he realized that he had expressed his indignation out loud, and he fled the scene to avoid the weird looks he was getting.

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><p><em>4.) Lust will not be sent to a convent.<em>

Lust's fellow Homunculi brothers had thought it a good idea to send her to a convent since she couldn't keep herself off every man that passed by. "Get thee to a nunnery!" Father had said.

...But when she returned and insisted that everyone call her Chastity, they regretted their actions.

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><p><em>5.) Roy Mustang is NOT dead sexy in a mini-skirt.<em>

"Sir!" exclaimed Riza Hawkeye as her superior officer strutted into the room. She wasn't the only one who was in shock; Havoc had swallowed his cigarette, Breda had done a genuine spit-take with his coffee, Falman was gaping like a fish that was asphyxiating, and Fuery was pounding himself on the head to rid himself of the bad mental images.

"I need my gloves, Lieutenant! Help me find them!" Roy Mustang ordered as he rifled through the contents on his desk.

"But what happened?"

Mustang gritted his teeth as he replied, "Apparently, it's possible to transmute the clothes people are currently wearing into something...else." This something else he was referring to was the itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny blue mini-skirt he was currently dressed in.

"THAT'S FOR MAKING ME INTO SMURFETTE!" the smug shout of Ed was heard by all, and Mustang turned a shade darker than Fullmetal's famous cloak.

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><p><em>6.) I will not sit outside Kimblee's cell for days on end and sing, "I Know a Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves!"<em>

"_I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves-"_

Kimblee bashed his head against the wall. The evil brat had been there for _six days! _"I told you already, GET LOST, YOU TIN CAN!"

"-_AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES!" _Oh, if Al had his body, he would be smiling.

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><p><em>7.) I will not have a t-shirt launcher installed in my automail.<em>

In the end, it turned out that Winry had turned the settings on far too high, and Ed had to reimburse a girl's family who had to go to the ER for a busted arm.

She still kept the Fullmetal Alchemist t-shirt, though.

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><p><em>8.) I will not host a rock concert to fund my research, nor will Roy Mustang be in charge of pyrotechnics.<em>

"I WILL NOT DIE, I WAIT HERE FOR YOU! I AM ALIVE WHEN YOU'RE BESIDE ME-E!" It turned out that The Fullmetal Alchemists was an excellent band name. Edward had an incredible singing voice, a guy in a suit of armor looked hard core enough to be the guitarist, Winry had some experience playing the drums, Hawkeye had learned to play the bass as a teenager, and the skills for playing the electric violin had been passed down the Armstrong family for generations!

Mustang, however, had been left without an instrument to play, so they had to give him a different job...

The moshers all had to evacuate the area as a fireball engulfed the areas above their heads. "THIS IS AWESOME, LET'S GO ON TOUR!" Mustang exclaimed excitedly.

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><p><em>9.) While outside on winter days, I will not lick Alphonse Elric's armor.<em>

The door of the Rockbell's residence opened as two people with very unique footsteps shuffled in. Pinako knew who it was, so there was no point in sparing them a look.

"Uh...Granny?" Sighing, Pinako glanced up from her steaming mug of coffee and was greeted with a mildly disturbing sight: Edward's tongue was stuck tight to the metal on Alphonse's thigh.

"...Do I want to know?"

"No," Ed and Al answered simultaneously. Sighing once more, Pinako left to fetch the blowtorch.

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><p><em>10.) Roy Mustang's office is not the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. <em>

Mustang, being the head honcho, had stolen the glory of red for himself. Edward, who just shrugged and claimed that the Red Ranger was always a douche bag anyways (though he had been trying to take the title of Red Ranger for himself earlier, too), took the title of Black Ranger. Fuery had taken green, and Breda had stolen blue. Alphonse, upon realizing that a suit of armor couldn't plausibly wear tights, had decided to be the Magna Defender.

Then came the real problem.

Hawkeye had point blank refused to be pink and had chosen yellow for herself, which meant that Falman...

"I hate you all..."

...had to be the Pink Ranger.

"Sucks to be you, man."

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><p><em>11.) I will not attempt to understand how Alphonse Elric's soul is only worth one arm.<em>

"...I'm worth more than just one appendage, right? I mean, the universe doesn't think that little of me...does it? Ah, why does my life have to be so angsty?"

Edward sighed and patted his brother on the back. "Al, you've been talking to yourself for six hours now. Angst needs to be done in short bursts, not all drawn out."

Al sniffed, though there was no need. "Who taught you about angst, brother?"

Ed shrugged. "I wrote a book on it myself."

"Oh, that makes sense."

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><p><em>12.) I will not challenge Edward Elric to a milk chug contest.<em>

To everyone's amazement, Ed actually managed to hold his gallon of milk in his stomach. Envy, however, ended up puking all over Lust's feet.

"So, what were you saying about humans beings weaker than you?"

Moments later, Ed rushed to the bathroom and reminded himself of one reason why he despised milk in the first place as he, too, vomited.

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><p><strong>I know that Ed's not much of an angster (he does a better job of controlling it than other anime characters), but when he does, he does it right!<strong>

**What was your favorite? Mine was probably 1!**


	2. 13 through 24

**Part two has arriiiiiiiived! I'm confused as to whether to add more "r's" or "i's" in that sentence. I am a dummy!**

**Disclaimer: Nope, I still don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Looney Tunes, Phoenix Wright, Monty Python, Dora the Explorer, or Charlie the Unicorn.**

**Spoilers in number 19 for Pride's true identity in Brotherhood and the manga. **

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><p><em>13: If Riza Hawkeye is angry with me, I will not cry, "Sniper no sniping!" three times.<em>

"How is that paperwork coming along, Colonel?"

Roy Mustang's head jerked up and his eyes widened in panic. "Take a nap," he had told himself earlier that day. "Hawkeye will be at the shooting range all day!"

Yet here she was, back early.

Still holding her pistols.

His subordinates, at their desks, were snickering at the boss's predicament. Flustered, Mustang waved his hands around, all panicky, and cried, "Sniper no sniping! Sniper no sniping! Sniper no sniping!"

"Aww, man!" Breda piped up from his desk.

A few days later, a repairman finally came to plaster the bullet holes in the office wall. Roy Mustang was also reported missing, and Riza Hawkeye gave no comment when questioned by reporters.

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><p><em>14: Collecting blood from Gluttony's gut for the Amestrian Blood Drive is unwise.<em>

Ed scooped up some blood into a measuring cup and peered at his quarry. "Hey, what blood type is all this, anyway? A, B, AB, 0?"

Ling was too busy puking to reply, overwhelmed by the stupidity of this plan. He was never helping a rival country again.

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><p><em>15: I will not one-up the Flame Alchemist by becoming Combustion Man.<em>

Mustang openly gawked at Major Armstrong's forehead. "Major...what is _t__hat?"_

_That _happened to be a black tattoo of an eye on Armstrong's forehead. The man's sparkle glittered loudly (no one knows how this is possible, since glitter is not an onomatopoeia, but it did happen) and responded, "It fuels the art of combustion alchemy, a technique that has been passed down the Armstrong line for generations! Observe, Colonel Mustang!" Briefly, the tattoo glowed - and then a light beam shot at a vase, causing a big, violent, and beautiful explosion.

While Mustang gaped at the Major's work, Edward chose that moment to walk in. "Alright, Colonel, listen up..." All speech ceased to escape Ed's mouth once he saw the Major. About a minute later, Alphonse witnessed his older brother fleeing the command center, screeching, "ARMSTRONG'S OPENING THE GATE ON HIS FOREHEAD!"

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><p><em>16: I will not make real life Looney Tunes, nor will I transmute anvils and grand pianos to drop on people's heads.<em>

Working in tandem, Edward and Alphonse Elric succeeded in creating the most successful show on the newly discovered television. Favorite episodes included stunts such as a giant metal safe crushing Envy's skull and Edward smashing Pride with a wrecking ball.

No Homunculi were (fatally) harmed in the making of this show.

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><p><em>17: The Armstrong do not use steroids. <em>

When Winry plucked up the nerves to ask if Major Armstrong used enhancers, the Major puffed out his chest and answered, "Drug addiction has not been passed down the Armstrong family for generations!" No one dared question it, as it was the maddest anyone had ever seen the Major since Ishval.

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><p><em>18:I will not use the Holy Hand Grenade against a Homunculus.<em>

In the midst of assisting Edward and Alphonse in their hunt for a Homunculus, Ling turned to Lan Fan. "I can feel them growing close..."

Lan Fan nodded. "As do I, my Lord. Shall I?"

Ling shook his head in assent. "Bring the Holy Hand Grenade!"

Holy music resounded through the heavens as Lan Fan (aided by several unnamed men garbed solely in white) brought forth the Holy Hand Grenade. Meanwhile, Gluttony drew close, ravenous and craving human flesh and White Castle, preferably the former. Lan Fan unrolled an enormous scroll. "And Saint Attlia raised the hand grenade up on high..."

After seventeen minutes of scripture reading, Lan Fan managed to wrap it up. "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

Ling took and aimed the grenade. "One, two, five!"

"Three, my Lord!"

"THREE!"

He ended up missing Gluttony and hitting an apartment complex instead, but it was a pretty explosion, and that was all that mattered in the end.

Unfortunately, Ling missed it all since his eyes remained closed. He still blames the manga artist to this day.

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><p><em>19: I will not sue Pride's shadows for sexual assault.<em>

Pride would NOT have this nonsense. "Your Honor, this suit of armor has no right to claim that I defiled his armor. I'm just an innocent little boy, the son of the Fuhrer-"

"OBJECTION!" Ed, Alphonse's lawyer, exclaimed heatedly, pointing a finger at Pride. The finger point wasn't just any ordinary finger point. No, the action was hotblooded; that single digit was filled with Edward's righteous fury! "Your Honor, this so-called child's shadows penetrated my beloved brother's armor! That's child molestation in anyone's book!"

"Thanks, brother," Al muttered, feeling dirty and upset by the fact that showering wouldn't make him feel better, it'd just make him rust.

The old, weary judge rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed deeply. "I'm calling a recess, this crap is too weird and technical for me to process at the moment!"

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><p><em>20: The Gate is not the entrance to Candy Mountain.<em>

"So...you don't remember the Gate," Izumi murmured, half to herself and half to the brothers.

If he had eyes, Al would've blinked in confusion. As it was, he succeeded in making the soulfire that was his eyes flicker. Epic win! "What's the Gate?"

Ed sprung from his chair and waved his arms around in some sort of demented glee, bouncing on top of Al. "It's a land of pain and truth...and truthness!"

Al shied away. "Brother...please stop bouncing on me."

"The Gate of Truth, Alphonse!" Ed cried in a sing-song voice. Eventually, Izumi joined Ed, and they kept repeating their cry even after Alphonse fled from them, which resulted in him getting kidnapped by a pimp Homunculus who tried to steal Al's nonexistent kidney.

Ed and Izumi were too busy discussing leoplurodons to notice.

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><p><em>21: I will not attempt to get off work by calling in dead.<em>

Just barely five minutes after Ed called, Alphonse overheard Mustang planning Ed's funeral. Horror-stricken, he nearly went on a Homunculi killing spree before Ed appeared and told him it was a lie.

Hugs were exchanged, and in their joy the brothers still decided to kick the snot out of Envy.

Later on, Ed waltzed into Central, with Al dragging a bound and gagged Envy behind them. As Mustang passed, he snarked, "Fullmetal, I regret to inform you that they don't make coffins for people of your stature."

"SHUT UP!"

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><p><em>22: Referring to Scar as my token black friend will by my doom.<em>

May went around introducing her friends to their new partners, the chimeras. "I'm May Chang! This is Xiao Mei," she gestured to the miniature panda on her shoulder, "Yoki," the thinly mustached man waved sheepishly, "Dr. Marcoh," the doctor smiled, which looked awfully creepy on his deformed face, "and my token black friend, Scar."

Awkward silence. Then, Scar finally said, "I'm Ishvalan, not African American."

"Suuuuure, and I'm not really Asian!" she retorted.

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><p><em>23:I will not refer to Edward's impalement in Baschool as "shrimp kebab."<em>

"HELP!" the blond and bleeding Fullmetal Alchemist screamed, begging any passerbys to aid him.

For a few moments, no help came, but then Ed couldn't help but hear an odd series of squelching noises. Puzzled, Ed looked left, right, and up - just in time to be smashed in the face by an enormous tomato wedge, which was being shoved onto the metal girder.

"OKAY, YOU GUYS REALLY SUCK, YOU KNOW THAT?" he bellowed with his trademark anger, before wincing, as the action caused another explosion of agony.

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><p><em>24: I will not ask Izumi Curtis for ninja training.<em>

Edward and Alphonse begged on hands and knees for hours, but the housewife simply repeated the same response of, "No!" four hundred and sixty-three times. At the four hundred and seventy-fourth time, her temper flared full force and she finally kicked them out, howling, "A NINJA DOESN'T SIMPLY SHARE HER SECRETS!"

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><p><strong>So which was your favorite? Mine were 13 and 19!<strong>

**Also, soon I'll be publishing another fic, 100 Jobs For a Former Alchemist. Expect lots of chuckles and Brotherhood/manga spoilers.**

**Equivalent Exchange dictates that you leave a review. **


	3. 25 through 36

**I've been trying to get into other anime, so I attempted to watch Gurren Lagaan and Boccano. Unfortunately, Yoko's...character design weirded me out too much, and Baccano had me lost since it jumped around too much and was about crazy gangsters.**

**Anyone know any other anime anywhere near as good as FMAB?**

**Anyway, I claim no ownership to anything here except the list itself. **

**Sorry, I don't remember how the scene with Greed I versus Wrath went, dialogue-wise. **

**Spoilers in numbers 28 and 34 for later manga chapters and Brotherhood episodes.**

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><p><em>25.) Wrath's eye patch does not conceal the Eye of Sauron.<em>

Greed gritted his teeth as he locked eyes with King Bradley...well, eyes locked with a singular eye, as King Bradley's second eye was hidden from any prying eyes who wanted to see his eye...geez. Wrath decided it was time for his big, epic reveal. "Your ultimate shield is impressive, but even you can't match my ultimate eye!"

His eye flashed open, and Greed emitted a scream at the sight. Flames poured out over his eyelid, and a slit black pupil glared at the older Homunculus.

At least, that's what Greed _thought _he saw. In reality, it was simply an Ouroboros tattoo. Wrath shook his head mournfully as he skewered Greed with another blade. "You Tolkein fans have overactive imaginations."

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><p><em>26.) In his spare time, Envy does not morph into Waldo and hide in the crowds.<em>

Fuery pulled his new red and white striped knit hat over his head till it was snug, grinning as he did so. It was good to be on leave for the holidays! Still smiling, he strolled across the street, happy to be around the bustling crowd of shoppers-

Then he was bowled over by someone in a red cloak. "AL!" the perpetrator hollered. "I GOT ENVY!"

Dazed by the collision, Fuery wasn't even able to do so much as twitch when a certain suit of armor appeared before him. "Brother, you were right! He's even wearing the right clothes!"

Ed puffed out his chest in pride. "Told you he'd be Waldo!"

"Guys..." Fuery groaned. "It's me...Sergeant Fuery..." Promptly after saying these words, the man passed out.

Guiltily, Ed and Al dragged the prone man to the side of the street. "You know, I hate to say it, but Waldo was easier to find in the books."

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><p><em>27.) I will not get Edward Elric a job at Hot Topic.<em>

When she saw Ed's work outfit, Winry Rockbell facepalmed. "Ed, no straight man in the right mind is supposed to wear skinny jeans!"

Ed's sigh was born of suffering. "It's my work uniform! I have to wear it!" Flashing her a reassuring grin, he took a step forward to head off to work...and fell down the stairs when the fabric got caught in his automail joints.

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><p><em>28.) Father's power level is not OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAND!<em>

Unable to see, Mustang yelped in shock as Hawkeye yanked him down, presumably to dodge some flying debris. "Armstrong!" he exclaimed. "What's Father's power level?"

Armstrong beat his chest and yelled to the heavens and beyond, "IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAND!"

Izumi moaned as she took a brief break from assaulting Father. "Of all the overused anime memes..."

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><p><em>29.) I cannot go trick-or-treating at the Gate.<em>

Upon returning triumphantly from their little trick-or-treating excursion (it turned out that the Truth's favorite holiday was Halloween, what with its ability to frighten every human being who knew of its existence), the Elric brothers, Hohenheim, Colonel Mustang, and Izumi Curtis all displayed what they had been given.

"I got three bags of M&M's!" Edward said as he plopped some of the chocolate morsels into his mouth.

"I got a king sized Reese's!" Izumi said. She bit into one of the candies and grinned.

"I got two Kit-Kat bars!" said Mustang, as he stashed them in one of his desk drawers and locked it. No way was anyone stealing his goodies.

"I got four giant Tootsie Rolls!" said Hohenheim. Secretly, he despised Tootsie Rolls, but since their excursion could have gone worse (Edward wasn't missing any limbs this time), he didn't complain.

Alphonse sighed. "I got a rock..."

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><p><em>30.) I will not hide in Al's armor to sneak into the movie theaters.<em>

"Pass the soda, Al," Ed's voice reverberated throughout his younger brother's armor.

Alphonse snatched off his helmet and threw the soda cup at Ed. "I feel so violated right now, you know!"

The ushers had to kick the duo out for starting a brawl in the middle of the climax of The Avengers.

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><p><em>31.) The acronym EVIL - Every Villain Is Lemons - does not apply to the Homunculi, even when regarding fanfics I've read about them.<em>

Lust was the one to make the implication, and Envy just snapped. "For the last time," Envy snarled to an unseen audience, "I am not having M-rated relations with the Elric shrimp!"

Used to this behavior, Lust and Gluttony shrugged and continued to watch Spongebob.

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><p><em>32.) I will not fight the Kraken for my annual assessment. <em>

Ed cracked his knuckles, smiling at the prospect of the fighting soon to follow. "I swear, this is going to be the most hard core combat assessment ever!"

From his seat far above, Wrath overheard and chuckled. "Is that so. Then...RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"

Ed's mouth flopped open. "What-"

_WHAM! _An enormous tentacle slammed into him. A second tentacle snatched the alchemist up in midair and constricted.

Using the last of his breath, Ed shrieked. "This is not supposed to be a hentai anime!"

Fortunately, he managed to wriggle free and escape the horrors of tentacle rape.

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><p><em>33.) <em>_I will not recite to Scar the "I Have a Dream" speech by Martin Luther King, Jr._

Armstrong pulled his fist back and aimed another punch at Scar, who nimbly dodged. As the Ishvalan weaved to and fro, avoiding Armstrong's furious jabs, the Strong Arm Alchemist decided to lecture the serial killer.

"Can't you see that I understand? We are all equal men, Ishvalan! I have a dream that one day, down in Central, with its vicious racists, little Ishvalan boys Ishvalan girls will be able to join hands with little Amestrian boys and Amestrian girls as SISTERS AND BROTHERS!"

If he still had his shirt, Armstrong would've ripped it off right then.

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><p><em>34.) I will not get the Mannequin Soldiers to dance to Michael Jackson's "Thriller."<em>

Mustang arrived in the bowels of the third laboratory and prepared to fight...only to encounter an unusual sight.

Ed had his hands held out in front of him like a retarded Tyrannosaurus Rex and was creeping back and forth with all the revolting one-eyed soldiers. _"'Cause this is thriller, thriller night! And no one's gonna save you from the beast about the strike!"_

From his place behind a camera, Jerso offered a thumbs up to the other chimeras. This was totally going on Youtube.

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><p><em>35.) I will not cover Edward in Armstrong sparkles and introduce him to people as "Mr. Cullen."<em>

It was all fun and games at first, but when Ed realized just who Edward Cullen was, lines were drawn, rocks were transmuted, and Breda and Havoc ended up being confined to hospital beds for three weeks. Mustang also went to the hospital for a day, for "pulling a muscle from laughing so hard."

Needless to say, Winry became extremely offended when it was implied that this made her into Bella Swan. "Excuse me, but I have more than one facial expression!" Oh, how her wrench soared.

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><p><em>36.) In the presence of Dr. Marcoh, I will not incessant scream, "POLO!"<em>

Scar handed a pile of papers to Marcoh. "What do you make of these, Dr. Marcoh-"

"POLO!" cried May over enthusiastically.

Ignoring the girl, Marcoh scrutinized the documents. "They seem to be notes on the qualities-"

"POLO!"

"-of a reverse transmutation circle. There are also some-"

"POLO!"

"-extra notes, but they're quite illegible, I'll see what-"

"POLO!"

"WILL YOU STOP!" Scar howled, his rage seeming to make the snow beneath them melt.

May bit her quivering lip and became silent. Scar sighed in relief. "Good. Now, what were you say-"

"Polo."

"GAH!"

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><p><strong>So...what was your favorite? Mine was probably 32. And yes, Greed is a Lord of the Rings fan!<strong>

**Follow Equivalent Exchange! I gave you a chapter, you give me a review! **

**That's the best I can do to persuade you. I don't have the manipulation skills of Mustang, Olivier, Father, Lust, or even dumb old Envy to _make _you review, but to read and then not give in return is a really asinine thing to do. **

**...Where subtlety fails, use brute force! Review or I come after you with my katana, jo staff, and knowledge of pressure points and take downs!**


	4. 37 through 48

**Sorry I wasn't able to update in time. I spent a few days out with no internet connection. Also, the next update will be late because I'll be in Disney World! I'm planning on taking a picture on Splash Mountain with my sister and I playing Connect 4.**

**I could've updated yesterday, but I just got the Brotherhood OVA DVD, so...hey, it's too awesome to wait to watch it! It features Roy Mustang rapping!**

**I don't have access to the exact dialogue for nearly all of these scenes, and since I want to get this done quickly I'm not going to go watch every episode I mention.**

**Anyway, I don't own anything but the list itself.**

**Spoilers in number 47.**

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><p><em>37.) I will not ask Scar to do a Joker impression regarding his own scar.<em>

"You wanna know how I got these scars?" Scar growled to Edward as he slowly approached the young alchemist. "My brother, was an alchemist, and a heretic. And one day, Solf J. Kimblee goes off crazier than usual. Brother gets his alchemy to defend himself. Kimblee doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes his palms to each other, laughing while he does it. He turns to me and says, "Why so SERIOUS?"

Unfortunately for Scar but fortunately for the Elrics, Ed and Al had sped off while Scar was distracted.

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><p><em>38.) If I burned down my own house, I will not be reimbursed by fire insurance.<em>

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN OUR POLICY DOESN'T COVER THAT?" Edward screamed at his agent, only being restrained by his armored brother holding his arms behind his back.

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><p><em>39.) Gluttony's stomach is not the Chamber of Secrets.<em>

Rumble...rumble... rumble. Ed's eyes darted left to right, and he transmuted his arm into a fearsome blade. "Hey, did you hear that?"

Ling nodded, though Ed wasn't even looking at him. "What could it be-" Suddenly, an enormous black creature slithered out from the shadows, teeth bared and eerie red eyes gleaming with blood lust. "ED! Cover your eyes! It's a basilisk, it could turn us into stone if we make eye contact!"

Ed did so as he back-flipped away from the creature's gigantic tail swishing toward him, but he still shouted, "What about you? You didn't cover your eyes!"

"YOU KNOW MY EYES ARE ALWAYS CLOSED!"

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><p><em>40.) Greed cannot freeze himself in carbonite, Han Solo-style.<em>

"I normally don't use my entire shield because I don't like to cover my beautiful face..." Greed sneered at Ed as he gaped at Greed's spreading Ultimate Shield. "But come on! What do you think?"

Ed, as usual, had his quick wit and tongue ready for action. "Did you have debt issues with Jabba the Hutt?"

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><p><em>41.) I will not kill Father with a Death Note.<em>

Hohenheim leaned back in his chair once he closed the notebook of death. Mission accomplished.

Thousands of miles away, Father died being strangled to death by a feather boa. No one mourned him.

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><p><em>42.) I will not confiscate Roy Mustang's ignition gloves on account of being a fire hazard.<em>

Hawkeye hoisted all the locks she had purchased onto the table and clicked each one onto the desk drawer, sealing the ignition gloves within.

"Lieutenant, you're overreacting-" Mustang tried to defend himself.

"You set Edward's braid on fire, sir!"

"It looked like hay for a bonfire, in my defense!"

A gun in the face was enough to shut the Flame Alchemist up.

* * *

><p><em>43.) Just because Izumi Curtis has dreadlocks does not mean she will bake me "special" brownies.<em>

Greed eyed the newcomer with disdain. "What are you, a cousin of Bob Marley?" he taunted.

WHAM! Izumi's eyes seemed to be brimming with rage as she roundhouse kicked Greed into the far wall. Edward watched in awe.

"Never mind..." Greed moaned. "You're definitely on steroids, not weed."

* * *

><p><em>44.) I will not make Armstrong a judge on America's Next Top Model.<em>

The host smiled cheesily at the camera. "Let's see what our judges have to say about LeFay's outfit-"

The wannabe supermodel was promptly engulfed by ridiculously muscular arms and bishie sparkles, nearly breaking every bone in her body. "OH, LEFAY, YOUR PERFORMANCE WAS SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL, BUT YOU LACK THE MUSCLE DEFINITION NEEDED FOR TRUE BEAUTY!"

"Let...go!" LeFay barely choked out.

* * *

><p><em>45.) I will not set Barry the Chopper loose in a sorority. <em>

"It was an accident!" Falman had explained, though Hawkeye suspected he had been attempting to film his own B-list horror movie.

Barry was having the time of his life...as disturbing as that thought is.

No snobs were harmed in the making of this chapter.

* * *

><p><em>46.) I will not make a military personnel yearbook, complete with superlatives.<em>

"HOW IS 'MOST LIKELY TO MOVE TO THE SHIRE' A SUPERLATIVE?"

...Come on, we all know who said that.

* * *

><p><em>47.) -Roy Mustang will not be voted "Most Likely to Plot an Uprising."<em>

Flipping through the old yearbook Hughes had made for him, General Mustang smiled at his own superlative. "Wasn't that the truth..."

* * *

><p><em>48.) -Alex Louise Armstrong will not be voted "Most Beautiful."<em>

When the word that Armstrong had won this had spread to the Northern Wall of Briggs, Olivier Mira Armstrong could resist facepalming. "I think I need a drink..."

* * *

><p><strong>No Alphonse in this one...sad day, huh.<strong>

**Which was your favorite? Mine was probably 37. For more information on Edward's fight with insurance companies, please refer to "Edward Elric Buys life Insurance" because I am a self-advertising douche bag.**

**Hey, has anyone ever taken a Myers-Briggs test? If you did, what were your results? **


	5. 49 through 60

**The next chapter is here!**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I still don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Sunny D, Barbie, Inuyasha, Brokeback Mountain, or even Fanfiction itself. **

**Spoilers for the end of Brotherhood in number 51.**

* * *

><p><em>49: I will not buy an electromagnet for use on the Elrics.<em>**  
><strong>

Walking into Mustang's office on one strange Monday morning, Fuery was greeted with a bizarre sight.

"HEY! HELP!" Edward screamed for where he was practically glued to the ceiling.

"Brother," Alphonse, stuck right next to Ed, reprimanded, "I told you that starting a prank war with the Colonel was a bad idea."

"Whatever..." Ed tried to blow his hanging hair out of his face, but he only succeeded in mussing it even more. "IT IS ON, COLONEL!"

* * *

><p><em>50.) I will not rent the space in Alphonse's armor for storage.<em>

Ed could only gape when he saw Havoc open Al's chest plate, remove an enormous box of cigarettes, close Al up again, and hand the armored alchemist twelve hundred cenz.

* * *

><p><em>51.) Father did not obtain the power of the sun by drinking Sunny D.<em>

Trying to drink a whole bottle of orange drank, it turned out, was a bad idea. While Father struggled to get the cap off the Sunny D (darn those idiotic manufacturers!), Izumi took the opportunity to clock him straight into a pillar. Hohenheim encased Father's arms in solid rock, Alphonse sliced off his legs with a transmuted sword, Mustang sulked in the corner about losing his eyesight, and Ed clapped his hands to the ground, producing twin spikes that pierced Father's stomach and face.

"Unleash the power of the sun..." he mumbled weakly. He then barfed out all the souls of the people of Xerces and was sent to the Gate.

* * *

><p><em>52.) Olivier Mira Armstrong is NOT Barbie.<em>

Hell broke loose the day Major Armstrong tried to make amends with his sister by buying her a pink convertible.

"I thought she wanted a fantastic life in plastic!" he sobbed to Denny Brosh later, still battered and bloodied after Olivier's rampage on his face.

"Geez, she murdered your face, Major!" Brosh blurted.

* * *

><p><em>53.) -Edward Elric isn't Barbie, either.<em>

"Are you flirting with me?" a disgusted Ed asked, his features beginning to darken with fury after the random, unfortunate lieutenant had said, "Come on Barbie, let's go party!" right in the middle of the Central cafeteria.

"Crap, it's a guy!" the lieutenant shrieked right before Ed murdered his face.

"...You know," Mustang commented to Hawkeye from his seat at one of the tables, "I'm beginning to wonder why anyone even tries to insult him when they all end up like that."

"...Except you, right?" Hawkeye asked with a knowing look.

Mustang smirked and shrugged. "What can I say? Insults are the base of our work relationship."

* * *

><p><em>54.) I will not attempt to mosh during the Lior riots.<em>

"WOO!" Rose screamed with delight as she shoved another shovel-wielding man into a brick wall. "I NEED TO GO TO MORE ROCK CONCERTS!"

She ended up following The Fullmetal Alchemists on tour as a groupie. Mustang loved working with her in the pyrotechnics.

* * *

><p><em>55.) I will not attend an anime convention...without expecting the fourth wall to be broken.<em>

"Count off," Winry ordered the male cast members when they regrouped at a snack booth. "How many pieces of clothing are you guys missing?"

"They took my cloak and shirt!" Ed yelled furiously.

"I lost my head! Some girl in a Kagome outfit has it!" Al moaned.

"Down to my skivvies!" Ling complained. "...Actually, the breeze is quite nice."

"Master! I shall hunt down the girl in the Hawkeye cosplay who stole your pants!" Lan Fan exclaimed. She melted into the shadows. Meanwhile, another member of the group walked around a corner, eliciting an enormous spiel of laughter for Ed.

Mustang adjusted the small potted plant he was using to cover his junk. "Some girl dressed like Fullmetal took everything..."

Everyone was too busy laughing at his expense to respond...except Hawkeye, who merely said, "You had it coming, Colonel."

* * *

><p><em>56.) Burning Maes Hughes's pictures of his daughter will raise more hell than it's worth.<em>

The next morning, one Roy Mustang was found duct taped to the top of a flag pole in only his boxers, his hair dyed hot pink and a raccoon biting his junk. No one dared to ask how Hughes had captured the raccoon, let alone trained him to do _that._

* * *

><p><em>57.) I will not smuggle a melon into the restroom, drop it in the toilet, and groan with relief.<em>

All the young soldiers occupying the urinal at the time fled immediately, vowing never to use the hopsital's restroom again. Ed, satisfied with his prank, vowed to profusely thank the Fuhrer for giving him that "get better soon" melon.

* * *

><p><em>58.) I will not introduce Amestris to RoyEd.<em>

"Alright, alright, I'll burn all the copies of the lemon, okay?" the desperate fan girl blabbed after Mustang had charred her repeatedly and Ed had socked her in the face, gut, and just about every pressure point.

In his head, Mustang pleaded with God to just take away his eye sight so he never had to read of what him and Ed had supposedly done...and Ed just wanted to punch something.

* * *

><p><em>59.) -Or Edvy.<em>

Citizens fled in terror as the enormous, green monster with hundreds of faces crying out in horror rampaged through the streets, yelling something about a bean sprout and _Brokeback Mountain._

* * *

><p><em>60.) -Or Elricest.<em>

"THAT'S IT!" Ed screamed after he read the first line of the lemon. Him, Al, Mustang, and Envy all formed a temporary alliance to personally maim every evil person who had made them (in their writing, anyway) participate in the evil deeds called smut.

* * *

><p><strong>Seriously, just imagine if you went online one day and discovered someone wrote a lemon about you and your best friend, worst enemy, or brothersister. Just try to, at least. Me, I think I'd gouge my eyes out. **

**Sorry this one wasn't as funny. The next chapter will be better!**

**What was your favorite? Mine was 55 for sure!**


	6. 61 through 72

**I managed to drag myself away from my beloved Final Fantasy IX to update this. I think that's the only time I've ever seen a guy who both managed to wear a thong and be intimidating. You know someone shouldn't be screwed with if they once succeeded in destroying an entire planet on their own. Geez.**

**Anyway, I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, the songs in this chapter, Indiana Jones, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Lion King, Kingdom Hearts, Nintendo, or Star Trek.**

**Page break was glitching at some parts, so sorry.**

**Spoilers in numbers 62, 65.**

* * *

><p><em>61: I will not hang coconuts from Envy's hair.<em>

The other Homunculi couldn't resist singing "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" for weeks after that incident.

* * *

><p><em>62: I am not hard core enough to have my dialogue bolded.<em>

Price cackled gleefully as Greed and Ed prepared a defense. "**NOW, LITTLE ALCHEMIST, PREPARE TO -" **he coughed and began to choke violently. He lacked the testosterone to make his voice deep and echoing.

* * *

><p><em>63: I wil not write the script for Indiana Elric and the Philosopher's Stone.<em>

"DA DA DU DU, DA NA NAAAA! DA NA NA NAAAAAA, DUM DA DUM, DUM, DUM!" Ed howled his new theme song at the top of his lungs as he evaded traps in the fifth laboratory, barely keeping his new, spiffy red and black fedora hat on his head as he did barrel rolls to and fro in order to not have his head lobbed off.

* * *

><p><em>64: Writing an autobiography will not grant me immortality, at least not literally.<em>

The book sold not a single copy in Amestris. Ling only sobbed and Lan Fan patted his shoulder. "My Lord, should I threaten the citizens at knife point in order to buy your book?"

Instantly, Ling's face brightened up. "Cool! I love threatening people!"

* * *

><p><em>65: I need more than a towel to defeat Father.<em>

Unsure of what else to do with it, Hohenheim wrapped the towel around his eyes. "Hey, if I can't see you, you can't see me?"

Father could only blink in confusion.

* * *

><p><em>66: Alchemy is not the theme of the song "The Circle of Life."<em>

On a tiny island in the middle of a rather enormous lake, Izumi faced the two young lads who were pending apprenticeship. "All right, can you tell me the meaning of 'All is one, one is all'?"

Edward nodded enthusiastically and turned to Alphonse. "Of course! Al, ready?" His brother nodded excitedly. "And a one, and a two, and-"

"NANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABA!" Al crowed.

"SITHI UHM INGONYAMA!" Ed added.

Izumi left the two on the island the instant they began an interpretive dance with African animals...

What the heck was Africa, anyway?

* * *

><p><em>67: Father is not Hohenheim's Nobody.<em>

No one could comprehend why Al thought beating Father with a giant key would work...but it did.

* * *

><p><em>68: I will not buy Edward Elric a pair of stripper heels for his "little" problem.<em>

"I thought you looked feminine enough to work them!" Mustang defended himself on that dreadful day that he gave the Fullmetal Alchemist glittery black stilettos with pink accents and heels over a foot long each.

No one would ever tell the entire tale of what happened to new recruits, but if you asked the right people, they would only divulge that it involved duct tape, transmuted shuriken, and two buckets of leeches.

* * *

><p><em>69: I will not give Roy Mustang pointy ears and call him "Spock."<em>

"Lieutenant Hawkeye, where are my ignition gloves? I swear I'm going to torch that shrimp!" Mustang said as he fingered his new ears. Somehow Ed had transmuted wax to stick to Mustang's ears, and Mustang, for the life of him, could not get them off!

Hawkeye frowned. "Sir, that would be an illogical action. Your subordinates have been uptight lately and needed a laugh...the good of the many outweighs the good of the one-"

"OH, COME ON!

* * *

><p><em>70: -Nor will I give him spiky red hair and call him "Axel."<em>

"So..." Hughes asked Mustang hours after the Colonel barged in with the obnoxious, spiked, fiery hair. "Your hair...is it aaaaallll over?"

"NO! It's not! Got it memorized?"

* * *

><p><em>71: I will not hire out Ed, Al, and Buccaneer as living nutcrackers.<em>

Chainsaw arms, as it turned out, made terrible nutcrackers, and only ended up causing Miles to lose an eye.

He never ate walnuts again.

* * *

><p><em>72: I will not have Winry design Swiss Army Automail for me.<em>

"BROTHER!" Al screamed, his panicked voice echoing throughout his armor. With the black of night blanketing the town, he light of torches could be seen off in the distance, probably in the next street over. "The mob is coming! Hurry up and unlock the door without them seeing us!"

"Right! Let's see..." Ed examined his automail arm and began flicking tiny, random switches. "Pocket knife, nail file, snack compartment, tweezers, scissors..."

Al pretended to bite nonexistent nails anxiously.

"Screwdriver, sander, chainsaw, ca opener, bottle opener, corkscrew, rape whistle..."

"Brother..." Al whispered. "Hurry up!"

"Toilet paper, hair dryer, paintbrush, glue dispenser, small knife, medium knife, large knife, youth small knife, youth large knife, men's XXL-size knife, flamethrower..."

Al eyed the mob coming down the street. "Brother! They're coming!"

If Ed was paying attention, he made no effort to acknowledge Al's warning. "Ice cube tray, blender, microwave, nail gun, stapler, calculator, golf club, baseball bat, litter box..."

Without a choice now, Al darted to the right and defended his brother's back from a flying pitchfork.

"Butt scratcher, washboard, MP3 player, DVD player, Blu-Ray player, Nintendo DS..."

* * *

><p><strong>I want me some Swiss Army Automail...and a rocket ship.<strong>

**Which was your favorite? Mine was the last one.**


	7. 73 through 84

**I have done twelve hours of AP Bio homework in the past couple days...I needed some time off. So here I am!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, The Avengers, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Charlie Is So Cool Like, Captain Crunch, Froot Loop, Count Chocula, The Book of Mormon, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Wonka Gobstoppers, or Portal.**

**Spoilers in numbers 80, 75, 74.**

* * *

><p><em>73.) Xingese ancestry does not make a person better at math.<em>

Ed fainted the instant that Ling managed to divide by zero for him.

* * *

><p><em>74.) I will not dye Major Armstrong green and call him the Hulk.<em>

On the Promised Day, Armstrong, for some reason or other, had rushed to Central Command with green skin and wearing purple shorts with the top of his uniform. Several soldiers had given him incredulous looks, but no one questioned him, assuming it was just a way to distract Mustang's men from carrying out their coup.

Olivier, as it turned out, was the one to find out what the deal was.

"SISTER!" he cried, as he ripped off his shirt to reveal his emerald green chest. "ARMSTRONG SMASH!"

His fist flew into Sloth, and the Homunculus soared out the window.

"...What just happened?" Olivier questioned, dazed for perhaps the first time in her life.

* * *

><p><em>75.) It will not be said that Lust has "huge tracts of land."<em>

"Solaris?" Havoc said in astonishment, gawking at the woman he thought he had fallen for.

Lust chuckled darkly (how does someone chuckle darkly?) and just smiled. "My, my, Jean, so you know my little secret."

The two men took a moment to gape at her tattoo on her chest, and then Mustang shrugged. "Have to say, Havoc, I don't blame you. She's smart, beautiful, and has..." He gestured towards his chest and raised his hands up as if adjusting a bar on a roller coaster. "..huge tracts of land-"

Lust just hissed maliciously as her Ultimate Spear pierced both Mustang. "As much as I don't mind a compliment about my figure," she said, "I can't stand it when people reference awful 80s movies."

"No!" Havoc cried in outrage, his face flushing ever so slightly as he clenched a fist at Lust. "You can go ahead and seduce me in order to get information out of me and harm my commanding officer all you want, but never insult Monty Python in front of-"

Her Spear impaled Havoc as well, and both him and Mustang were reduced to miserable, sobbing messes.

* * *

><p><em>76.) The serial killer Scar is out to kill State Alchemists, not Captain Crunch, Toucan Sam, or Count Chocula.<em>

"Scar?" Ed questioned.

Mustang nodded. "He's the newest serial killer around here."

Ed frowned in mock confusion. "So he's trying to murder cereal manufacturers?"

Mustang smirked. "Well, if he saw you he might mistake you for Lucky the leprechaun-"

"SHUT UP!"

"They're always after me lucky charms!"

"SHUT UP!"

Hawkeye's gaze jerked up from her newspaper and coffee when her superior officer sprinted past, shrieking, "THE CHASE NEVER STOPS!" with an enraged Fullmetal Alchemist hot on his heels.

"Okay..."

* * *

><p><em>77.) I will not refer to Mustang's office as Riza Hawkeye's harem.<em>

The joke had officially run its course when Hughes bought all the men in the office belly dancers' attire for Christmas. Hawkeye, for one, found it awfully amusing.

* * *

><p><em>78.)<em>_ I will not send the Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormon Elders to the lair of the Homunculi._

Envy really regretted opening the door of the lair that day.

_"Hello!"_ sang a certain golden-haired State Alchemist, holding up a blue book and grinning mischievously. _"My name is Elder Ed! And I would like to share with you the most amazing book!_

Envy tried to slam the door, but an enormous metal foot intervened, keeping it open. _"Hello!" _the singing voice echoed throughout the suit of armor. _"My name is Elder Al! It's a book about Amestris a long, long time ago!"_

Envy tried to flee inside the lair, but the two alchemists of varying sizes simply followed him anyway. Ed continued, _"It has so many awesome parts! You simply won't believe how much this book can change your life!"_

In the end, Envy ended up smashing his head up against the wall until he was comatose. Ed and Al's plan to annoy him to death had succeeded.

* * *

><p><em>79.) Ed is not the lost eighth dwarf Snarky.<em>

After that particular session of name calling, Ed never watched a Disney princess movie with Winry ever again.

* * *

><p><em>80.) -FatherHomunculus is not the lost ninth dwarf Douchey, either. _

Slave Number 23 smiled at the Dwarf in the Flask as he cradled it in his hands. "Well, Dwarf, it's time for another day of slaving away under the sun..." He sighed.

The Dwarf smiled wickedly. "Hey, perhaps the work won't be so bad if we sing?"

A smile broke across Slave Number 23's face. "You're right!" Slave Number 23 merrily skipped out the door, flask in tow, both cheerily singing, _"Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off the work we go!" _

* * *

><p><em>81.) I will not eat candy during a Scar hunt...<em>

"Alright, everyone!" said Hawkeye, staring down each and every one of the boys in front of her. She loaded one of her pistols. "Scar was said to be spotted someone in the vicinity! Now, don't forget to watch out for civilians, and keep quiet so we can maintain-"

CRUNCH. Everyone present slowly turned to stare at Edward Elric, who had just bitten into a chocolate covered pretzel.

* * *

><p><em>82.) ..even if I brought enough for everyone<em>

Ed offered the bag to Hawkeye. "You want any?"

"No," she said.

"They're white chocolate..." Ed tempted her.

"...Oh, why not?"

* * *

><p><em>83.) I will not bind my soul to a potato and call myself GlaDOS.<em>

"I knew we shouldn't have tried human transmutation in the kitchen," Ed muttered for what had to be the seven hundredth time in the past few years as he cradled the bizarre gun to his chest. How were he and Al supposed to leave this death trap of a facility?

Al, meanwhile, ranted from where the potato was shoved in Ed's pant pocket. "Brother, I told you that the last chamber had neurotoxins in it, but you didn't listen? Noooooooooo. Look at you, trying to make lemonade. No! When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade! Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your dang lemons..."

* * *

><p><em>84.) I will not offer Roa a cheeseburger.<em>

To the disgust of the Devil's Nest's crew, the cow chimera actually devoured it with gusto.

"You cannibal..."

* * *

><p><strong>Well, that's all for now. Which one was your favorite? I loved writing 74, 76, and 80, and the Book of Mormon reference was fun, too. I've never seen the musical, but I've heard that song. <strong>


	8. 85 through 96

**Everyone, I have an announcement: Shawarma is fantastic! That is all.**

**Anyway, I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Mario, Sharpies, Mortal Kombat, Transformers, or Star Wars. Sorry, this chapter's list isn't as funny as the last.**

**Spoilers for the last season of Brotherhood in 92.**

**Line breaks are malfunctioning again...**

* * *

><p><em>85.) Punching bricks will not cause an alchemical reaction that produces gold coins.<em>

Ed ended up getting arrested for illegally making gold. They let him wear the blue overalls and the hat embroidered with an "M" in his cell, however.

* * *

><p><em>86.) I will not remodel Central Command as I see fit, complete with a ball pit in the Fuhrer's office.<em>

Pride, visiting Wrath in his office that day for a little assessment of sorts, gawked at the chaos before him. "Father," he said, making sure to call his little "brother" by his title, despite his inferiority, "what's going on?"

Someone had taken the liberty of transforming King Bradley's office into a horrid, filthy place. On the door, someone had scribbled the words, "Chuck E. Cheese's" on a piece of construction paper with a purple Sharpie.

Inside, it appeared that hell had broken loose. Snippets of conversation were picked up by Pride's ears, and he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"What do you mean I need to have two thousand tickets just for the blue bubble wand?"

"Sir, the pink one is one thousand tickets cheaper."

"My Lord, why exactly are we playing DDR?"

"We're Asian, Lan Fan, it's required for us to act stereotypical at least once in this fic!"

"Brother! Help! I'm suffocating in all these plastic balls of fun and joy! Why me?!"

"AL, I'LL SAVE YOU! BUT PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME ANOTHER SITUATION I CAN ANGST OVER DUE TO MY FAILURES AT BEING A BROTHER!"

To Pride's horror, his Father was playing Mortal Kombat against his doppelganger. Onscreen, Kung Lao performed a Fatality on Raiden.

"Darn it! Why can't I beat you?"

"Dwarf, be quiet, I'm trying to figure that out myself."

Once Wrath had joined Major Armstrong in the playplace tunnels, Pride stormed off. Those undignified ignoramuses.

* * *

><p><em>87.) I will not conveniently vacation in Fiji on the Promised Day.<em>

And so it came to pass that no one in Amestris died, all because every state alchemist was too lazy to save the world, and had instead fled to a land of tanning oil and bottled water that is apparently superior to other water just because of its country of origin.

Transmuting a sand castle on the beach, Ed cackled to himself, "Best strategy ever."

* * *

><p><em>88.) I will not use alchemy to create real Transformers.<em>

Winry smashed her fist as she read the letter. Its contents basically consisted of her Transformers idea being rejected.

"What, so we're the only shonen series without humongous mechas of doom now?"

Growling, she grabbed her wrench and went off on a quest to storm the corporate headquarters.

* * *

><p><em>89.) I will not store my sanity in a pickle jar to protect it from my comrades.<em>

Mustang chuckled as Ed creeped into his office, a jar cradled in his arms like a baby. "Well, well, Ed, I didn't even know you had any sanity to begin with."

Ed smirked. "Oh, you're absolutely right. I stole this sanity from you."

Before Mustang could ask what he meant, he was overcame by the bizarre urge to jump out the window.

* * *

><p><em>90.) I will not entice Heinkel with catnip.<em>

Finding out that Heinkel had a weakness for catnip wasn't the strangest thing to Ed.

No, the most disturbing was discovering that he used a litter box.

* * *

><p><em>91.) I will not believe living suits of armor who tell me I don't exist, especially if I've only known them for ten minutes.<em>

And so it was that Al never angsted over his existence because he was too smart to listen to what a known mass murdering serial killer had to say about his life anyway.

* * *

><p><em>92.) All Father needs is NOT a nice, big hug.<em>

The "GLOMP ATTACK OF LOVE AND MASCULINITY!" failed, but the sight of Father being covered in Armstrong's sparkles was enough to keep everyone fighting for the rest of the battle.

* * *

><p><em>93.) The dogs of the military do not need to learn how to sit, stay, roll over, etc.<em>

"Play dead!" Hawkeye ordered, preparing the Colonel in case of an emergency.

"Now, Lieutenant, I don't think - " A loud gunshot was all it took to convince Mustang, and he dropped "dead" on the floor.

Hawkeye smiled warmly. "Good boy!" She scratched Mustang in that one special spot that all dogs have, and his left leg began flailing as he kicked at air.

Ed, meanwhile, was at the door, gaping at the _weirdest _thing he had ever seen in his entire career. "...I'm not going to ask."

* * *

><p><em>94.) I will not pour holy water on a Homunculus "just to see if it works."<em>

"I'M MELTING, I'M MELTING!" Lust screeched as her body writhed to and fro until she was a pile of repulsive black goo all over the floor of the laboratory.

Hawkeye, poker face still on, pocketed the holy water as Al stared in awe. "You just..."

"What happened?" Hakwye gasped and turned to the doorway, where her _not dead _superior was staring wide-eyed at the mess.

"I killed the Homunculus, sir!"

"But that was supposed to be my crowning moment of awesome! Arakawa even said so!" He held up a lighter, a pathetic look on his face.

Hawkeye showed him no sympathy. "Well, sir, I apologize, but next time, if you want to kill a Homunculus, don't waste time like a retard."

Mustang ran off in tears.

* * *

><p><em>95.) On a hot day, I will not use Al's armor to bake cookies.<em>

"Brother, this way I can feel as if I'm eating them, since they're baking in my stomach area!"

"It doesn't matter, Al, Breda had no reason to be treating you that w - are those oatmeal raisin?"

"Yes, but I bet they'd taste better dipped in milk."

"SHUT UP!"

* * *

><p><em>96.) Edward Elric's gold eyes do not make him a Sith Lord.<em>

To turn the joke against the other soldiers, Ed ended up getting speakers installed in his automail that played "The Imperial March" whenever he entered a room.

The one time that someone said he was too short to be Darth Vader, he ended up choking the man...which only led to more jokes, of course.

* * *

><p><strong>Don't ask me how Armstrong could fit in PlayPlace tunnels. I have no clue...<strong>

**Anyway, the next chapter is one of my favorites, so I promise I'll do my best to make it funnier.**


	9. 97 through 108

**I can't believe I'm doing this when I should be studying history...you guys should all review to reward me for my kindness!**

**No, just kidding. Somewhat.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, My Little Pony, Batman, Baccano, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Transformers, Kingdom Hearts, eHarmony, or Got Milk.**

* * *

><p><em>97.) I will not guide fan girls on a safari throughout Central.<em>

"And if you look to your left," Brosh said to the girls (and guys) on the bus, "you will see the wild Edward Elric." The alchemist, overhearing his name, glanced up from the book he was perusing and gave Brosh and Ross an incredulous look. "The Edward is quite miniscule-"

"MINISCULE! WHO'RE YOU CALLING-"

"-but he tries to force you to ignore that and attempts to instill his dominance by screaming at you..." Ross drove the bus onward, and Edward's cries faded out in the distance.

"Oh, look! There goes a rare Roy Mustang, hunting down the equally exquisite Lieutenant Hawkeye-"

BANG!

"...Sorry, Lieutenant! I won't call you that again! Please don't aim that gun at me again, I know you missed on purpose - DRIVE, MARIA!"

The fan girls were all hurled back in their seats before they could maul Mustang for all he was worth.

Ed, meanwhile, was fleeing for his life, a horde of fan girls who abandoned the bus on his heels and swiftly gaining. "RAPE! RAPE!"

* * *

><p><em>98.) - I may, however, bring those fan girls to the Homunculi lair.<em>

"Unaware of those watching, the Envy continues to observe its favorite form of entertainment...it appears that Rainbow Dash is, in fact, his favorite pony."

"HEY! WHAT'RE YOU SOLDIERS DOING DOWN HERE?!" The genderless being then spotted the fan girls. "Oh, s-"

* * *

><p><em>99.) - I may also desert the fan girls in the Homunculi lair. Forever.<em>

"STOP TOUCHING ME!" Envy could be heard shrieking in horror. Ross and Brosh high-fived.

* * *

><p><em>100.) I will not build the Fullmetal-mobile with my funding.<em>

"Come, Robin!" Ed ordered Al randomly one day. "To the Fullmetal Cave!" He ripped off his cloak, revealing black and yellow tights underneath, and he sprinted off to his secret lair.

"...Ooooookay then." Al muttered. "I have to keep Brother away from those energy drinks, they're driving him insane..."

* * *

><p><em>101.) I will not try to guess Scar's real name.<em>

"Quinn?" Dr. Marcoh offered up.

The man in question glared at him. "No."

"Jacuzzi!" cried May.

"No!"

"Slartibarfast!" said Yoki.

"NO! FOR THE LAST TIME, NO!"

* * *

><p><em>102.) I will not sing "The Touch" by Stan Bush while performing a transmutation.<em>

"YOU'VE GOT THE TOUCH!" Al bellowed as he clapped his hands together. Blue light sizzled around him as he continued to sing, "YOU'VE GOT THE POWER!"

Pride was sent flying by seven enormous rock fists, and Ed, Greed, Lan Fan, Fu, Heinkel, and Darius all gawked. "Wow, Al...I didn't know you were Optimus Prime."

* * *

><p><em>103.) I will not use a Keyblade to destroy Pride's shadows.<em>

And so it was that all seven Homunculi were destroyed by Ed, all because he decided to wield a giant house key, wear dorky, poofy shorts, and parade around with a dog and a duck instead of his brother for companions.

* * *

><p><em>104.) I will not make Father a profile on eHarmony.<em>

Single male who appears to be in his forties w/ body of godlike appeal seeks out good, like-minded female. Likes: alchemy, red eyes, manipulation, peach daiquiris, prancing nude in the falling snow. Must be into cruelty and immortality. Roy Mustang need not apply.

* * *

><p><em>105.) I will not bring an Envy pinata to Edward Elric's birthday party - especially if it's the actual Envy.<em>

"All right! Everybody just beat the pinata until candy comes out!" Al ordered, somewhat gleefully. Ed, Winry, Mustang, Hawkeye, Armstrong, Havoc, Fuery, Breda, and Falman all picked up sticks with sadistic grins on their faces.

From his hanging place, Envy gulped. "After this, do I at least get cake?"

"No." And then the brutality began.

* * *

><p><em>106.) Greed will not give me pimp lessons, and I should stop asking.<em>

Out of nowhere during the incident at the third laboratory, Al threw his arm around Lust's shoulders. "Hey there, babe. Wanna earn me some dinero?"

Lust shoved the armored boy off and snarled, "Who told you to say that?"

"Your brother...?"

"THAT PRICK!"

* * *

><p><em>107.) I will not hire Edward Elric for a "Got Milk?" ad.<em>

"Evil. You wonder why I don't drink it? It's disgusting. It leaves a film in your mouth and does nothing to enhance my performance in alchemy or martial arts, and every glass of milk contains blood, hormones, and pus. That's why you all are so freakishly tall. Do me a favor and stop drinking it. Talk about idiotic."

* * *

><p><em>108.) I will not see how long it takes for my saliva to freeze in Briggs.<em>

As a matter of fact, it took barely any time at all, and Ed was able to use his own bodily fluid (in the form of saliva-cicles) to fight off Buccaneer.

**I swear, Fanfiction is so weird. I act on here like my antithesis in real life...I guess it's like my buffer.**

**Which was your favorite? I love 97 and 102.**


	10. 109 through 120

**Took me longer than usual to update...here's pumpkin spice lattes as an apology. Equivalent Exchange for the wait, I say!**

**There are going to be some running gags in this story, including a prank war between Ed and Mustang, Envy (and a few surprise others) being a brony (Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle are the best, just saying), and various other jokes.**

**Major spoilers in 118 and 119.**

**Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, The Wizard of Oz, The Lion King, Star Wars, X-Men, Harry Potter, DDR, World of Warcraft, or any of the songs used.**

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><p><em>109.) I will not wear a pot on my head and 3-D glasses and cover myself in tin foil for "Alphonse Elric cosplay gear."<em>

Hughes opened his door to hand out candy to the precious trick-or-treaters...and halted in his tracks when he realized just who was outside his doors.

"...Ed? Al? What are you two..." he trailed off, completely befuddled by the sight.

Ed lifted the pot on his heads so it wasn't in his face. "We're going as each other. Duh. Famous alchemists, you know?"

"Brother! You're being out of character!" Alphonse reprimanded. He himself was painted red with a Flamel on his back and a bunch of straw glued to his helmet. He also appeared to be walking on his knees.

"Oh, sorry..." Ed began to speak in a ludicrously high-pitched voice that was a decent imitation of his little brother. "Hello, Mister Hughes! It's me, Alphonse, and I am here with Brother! Don't tell him that I have seventy-three cats inside my innards that I am saving so we can form an army! We're going to overthrow the government and create one that doesn't have soldiers who attempt to use my stomach for baking brownies!"

Al hashed it out just as well, his voice rising to unbelievable volume. "WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO MINUSCULE THAT HE SHOULD BE REPRESENTING THE LOLLIIPOP GUILD?!" His voice echoed around the block, and many a child clung to their parent's leg in terror at the metallic voice of doom.

Unsure of what to make of the two, Hughes remained silent as he snapped a quick picture, gave the brothers a generous amount of king-sized candy bars, and closed the door. Upon being in solitude, he burst into a ridiculous giggle fit.

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><p><em>110.) I will not rename Heinkel "Mufasa."<em>

"So if Heinkel is Mufasa..." Ed pondered out loud one day when Darius and Heinkel were gathered by his makeshift hospital bed, the three of them playing go fish, "and Scar is...well, Scar, does that mean he's plotting to murder you instead of state alchemists?"

Darius roared in laughter, and Heinkel smashed a fist on Ed's nightstand. "You moron!"

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><p><em>111.) I will not video tape Roy Mustang dancing the Caipirinha.<em>

It became the number one hit on the newly founded Youtube. Mustang swore to revenge against the Elric brothers on that fateful day, even though he'd only danced because Elicia begged (conned) him into doing it.

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><p><em>112.) -Nor will I tape the Elric brothers doing the Caramelldansen.<em>

Revenge did come for the Colonel, and his video was bumped to number two in favor of a seven foot tall suit of armor doing any kind of dance at all.

His video camera was a martyr for the cause in the end, but it was worth it.

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><p><em>113.) Rush Valley is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy."<em>

The odd motley crew was gathered on a cliff, "admiring" the view.

"Rush Valley," Izumi-Wan Kenobi muttered to Ed Skywalker, Ling-3PO, and Al2-Phonse2 on their quest to rescue Princess Winry from the clutches of Darth Hoho. "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

Ed scratched the back of his head. "If we're seriously doing this Star Wars roleplay day, do I have to whine like Luke?"

"We're dooooooooooomed!" Ling bemoaned, who, peculiarly enough, sounded just like C-3PO.

Alphonse just let out a warble that he pretended was a short joke. Ed would _never _know.

* * *

><p><em>114.) Alchemy and potions don't ever mix.<em>

Scar's only reaction was a flat face. "May, what are you doing with our supply of orange juice?"

May scowled at him as if it were obvious. "well, I thought you getting a girlfriend would cause you to take yourself less seriously, so I was trying to make a love potion for you with alchemy!"

"You destroyed Yoki's mustache while experimenting," he pointed out. Said former mine owner was mourning in the corner over the loss of his beloved facial hair.

May shrugged. "A necessary sacrifice."

"...Well, I suppose it's only Yoki."

"I CAN HEAR YOU BOTH!"

* * *

><p><em>115.) Lust shall not be referred to as Wolverine.<em>

"After all, she can regenerate and has indestructible claws," Envy pointed out during a random family discussion.

"Do I look like a hairy Canadian?" she growled.

"...Maybe?"

* * *

><p><em>116.) The Homunculi are not Father's Horcruxes.<em>

Envy, for once, had been minding his own business, leafing through The Half-Blood Prince and honestly wondering what was going to happen to the heroes of the story...of course, he believed Voldemort to be the hero, but that was beside the point.

Out of nowhere, Lust sauntered in, deciding to get revenge on Envy for supergluing hair to her chin so she could properly be Wolverine. "Snape kills Dumbledore!" she hollered before fleeing the scene.

Envy hurled the book down. "YOU SON OF A-"

* * *

><p><em>117.) The Elrics did not perform human transmutation to see if the truth could teach them how to Douggie.<em>

The inference that Ed and Al destroyed their bodies to learn a dance move resulted in an epic dance-off between them and Ling and Lan Fan. Unfortunately, all Ed and Al knew how to do was the Caramelldansen.

Plus, Ling and Lan Fan were Asian-knock-offs. They'd grown up with DDR, for goodness's sake.

* * *

><p><em>118.) I will not rush headfirst into the Mannequin Army, howling, "LEEEEEEEEEEEEEROY JENKINS!"<em>

"Crap, he went in!" Darius swore.

"Hurry, the runt's going to get all the loot!" replied Heinkel, as if loot was all that mattered in life.

* * *

><p><em>119.) -If my comrades lose because of me, I will not sniff and say, "At least I have chicken."<em>

Ed actually did have chicken. The first meal him and Al ate after the Promised Day was KFC, mostly because it was the only one that didn't allow its workers off after they all, you know, died and such.

* * *

><p><em>120.) I will not make red rock candy and tell people it's the Philosopher's Stone.<em>

"GAH!" Ed gawked furiously at the Colonel, who had just chomped on their first ever Philosopher's Stone, leaving the brothers nothing. "YOU JUST ATE OUR ONLY LEAD, YOU JERK!"

Roy cocked an eyebrow. "Yes, and your alcehmic treasure is _supposed _to taste like cherry, sure, Fullmetal..."

Ed, as usual, left the Colonel's office in a huff.

* * *

><p><strong>Ha, I didn't spoiler tag 116! Also, Aeris dies, Bruce Willis is dead all along, and Rosebud is a sled.<strong>

**Which was your favorite? Mine was 109 for sure.**

**I have a new FMA fic out called Beauty and the Shrimp. As usual, it's a humor/parody fic. **


	11. 121 through 132

**I heard a quote that I thought epitomized the relationship between Ed and Mustang: "When you laugh, I'll laugh. When you cry, I'll cry. When you jump out of a window...I'll laugh."**

**And so, I'll be adding another running gag that'll pop up once in a while: Hilariously awkward parental RoyEd. Not yaoi, just awkwardly parental stuff. Yep.**

**Also, I did a tally of how often the characters appeared or were mentioned, and I realized that I've been neglecting Hughes. Guys, you need to let me know when I do stuff like this!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Toy Story, Legend of Zelda, Chronicles of Narnia, The Goonies, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Mission Impossible, My Little Pony, or any of the songs used.**

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><p><em>121.) I will not tell Major General Olivier Armstrong to get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.<em>

"Look, the name's Greed!" the Homunculus told the Major General and her present soldiers. "I'm going to be leading this march from here on out, so make yourself useful and get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!"

Olivier's eyes narrowed...In the end, she sliced up Greed more than she did Sloth. Poor guy.

He didn't fare any better when he made the same suggestion to Izumi Curtis...or Riza Hawkeye...or Lan Fan...or Winry Rockbell...or pretty much any other female Fullmetal Alchemist character.

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><p><em>122.) Ed's theme song is not "Sexy and I Know It."<em>

Ed hadn't been the one to come up with it...rather, it had been Mustang's other subordinates, who failed to realize they were bullying the dragon.

"So, Ed, do you wear animal print pants on patrol?" queried Havoc.

"Tight jeans, tattoos?" asked Breda.

"Come on, just wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wig-"

Clap...BANG!

The two second lieutenants were reported missing for three days. When they were found, their faces caked with blood and a few bones out of alignment, all Lieutenant Hawkeye could do was shake her head and say, "You had it coming."

* * *

><p><em>123.) -Nor is Envy's theme song "Dude Looks Like a Lady."<em>

"I still say he's a genderless palm tree!" Ed exclaimed during one session of mortal combat.

"SHUT UP, PIPSQUEAK!"

"AT LEAST I'M WEARING MEN'S CLOTHES AND NOT A SKORT!"

* * *

><p><em>124.) If I am fighting Lust, I will not point at her fingernails and cry out, "Oooooh, the claaaaaaaw!"<em>

After Lust's disintegration, Alphonse sprinted up to the Colonel, a look of joy somehow on his expressionless face...no one could comprehend it. Something to do with art style, but that'd be breaking the fourth wall. "You have saved our lives!" he cried out in almost monotone. "We are eternally grateful!"

And so "You've Got a Friend In Me" played out as Hawkeye and Alphonse tried to prevent Mustang and Havoc from bleeding to death.

* * *

><p><em>125.) Ed and Al are not Link and Zelda as they appeared in Spirit Tracks.<em>

"Come, Zelda, my totally platonic partner who is not my brother!" Ed exclaimed as he placed a pointy green hat upon his head. "We must go on our quest to find the Compass of Light and the Bow of Light in order to restore your body, and then we must defeat Malladus to save the nation by taking trips on trains to various places!"

"Ed...I mean, Link..." Al reprimanded. "You're not supposed to talk that much."

"Oh, right. HUH! HYAH! HEY-YAH-YAH! HUZZ!"

* * *

><p><em>126.) The Gate of Truth is not the door to Narnia.<em>

Ed didn't know what to expect when he had disintegrated with all the knowledge of the universe, but this sure wasn't it.

Gaping like an asphyxiated fish, he approached the snow-laden lamp post with something akin to wonder. As he pondered the sight before him, a sled flew toward him until it was just mere feet away. Inside its bowels was a woman swathed in white, and it was driven by a rather...ugly stagecoach.

"Who might you be, denizen of the woods?" the woman in white inquired.

Deciding he had nothing to lose, he answered, "The name's Ed. And who are you?"

The woman raised an elegant eyebrow, and her expression morphed from benignly if eerily beautiful to fuglier-than-Grumpy-or whoever-he-was-that-was-steering. "Do you know not of your queen? I am the white witch, you fool!"

"...Bull crap."

"Are you a spy of the woodland creatures? Answer me, dwarf!"

"YOU DID NOT JUST GO THERE, LADY!"

Days later, the snow cleared away. No one knew exactly why, but a legend was passed down from generation to generation that a golden haired midget cloaked in red had thoroughly kicked the white witch's pale behind. It was a much loved tale when it came to bed time stories.

* * *

><p><em>127.) I will not ask Gluttony to do the Truffle Shuffle.<em>

Asking Gluttony to shake his belly fat was a _VERY BAD _idea, it turned out, as it was his second stomach that was quaking, and frankly, the giant crimson eye and the tusks shaking to and fro along with his gelatinous shape was disturbing and far too dangerous to those involved.

* * *

><p><em>128.) I will not train turtle chimeras to be ninjas.<em>

"Stop throwing around words like 'love' and "sorrow." Wrath narrowed his lone human eye at Lan Fan, trying to be as intimidating as possible. Unsurprisingly, the girl did not falter under his gaze. "You know-"

"You!" Suddenly, four green mutant turtles were between the Homunculus and the bodyguard. A turtle with a blue bandana was speaking. "You killed Master Fu!"

Wrath blinked, totally blown away. "...What?"

"Dude, you're a total jerkface!" one in orange jeered, clearly distressed.

Another in red scowled darkly at Wrath. "You're goin' down, mistah." He had an unusual accent, the origin lost on the Fuhrer.

And so, yet another epic ninja fight ensued, with Lan Fan watching over her awesome apprentices.

* * *

><p><em>129.) I will not sneak into Father's lair by Mission Impossible cable drop.<em>

It worked successfully...until the cable locked just as Envy walked into the kitchen to get himself a fudgesicle. "What..."

Edward Elric shot an aggravated look up to the ceiling. "Mustang! Code Tango Alpha Mango Salsa, over!"

"ED! I'LL SAVE YOU!" Far above, the Colonel was tugging on the cable, but to no avail; it wouldn't budge a centimeter.

Envy glanced at the Fullmetal Alchemist for a few more seconds, then he shrugged and yanked his fudgesicle out of the freezer. "Whatever. Fighting you guys would interrupt my TV marathon anyway."

Ed was stuck there for a few more minutes, but, to his dismay, he could overhear Envy singing something about ponies being in his heart and the power of friendship...and his singing was very off-key. Then Gluttony stumbled in and talked about the seventeen different ways he'd cook Ed if he could reach, but it was all in such sharp detail. Then Pride waltzed on in, and his shadows were _awfull__y_ touchy-feely...

As much as it freaked him out, Mustang didn't want to know why Ed immediately started sobbing into the Colonel's shoulder the moment he had succeeded in pulling the boy back up...

* * *

><p><em>130.) Father's problem is not that he needs a girlfriend.<em>

As a matter of fact, Father's eHarmony profile led him to one woman by the name of Pinako Rockbell. The granny ended up drinking him under the table at the bar.

* * *

><p><em>131.) -Father doesn't need a boyfriend, either.<em>

Afterwards, he went on a date with someone by the name of Garfiel, whom he'd naïvely assumed was a woman.

There were some things the eyes could never unsee...

* * *

><p><em>132.) I will not set Jean Havoc up on a date with an unknowing Olivier Armstrong.<em>

"Sir!" Fuery sprinted into Mustang's office, where both the Colonel and Lieutenant Colonel Hughes were gathered, Hughes shoving his pictures of Elicia in Mustang's face.

Relieved for the interruption, Mustang snapped, "What? What is it?" as he rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"My radio's picking up some distressing calls from a restaurant in Central!"

Hughes immediately sobered. "Is it Scar? Chimeras? Some sort of uprising?" he queried.

Surprisingly, Fuery shook his head and bit his lip. "No...apparently, a man with a cigarette in his mouth was seen fleeing from a blond woman wielding a sword. She was screaming something about neutering and false masculinity..."

Havoc didn't show up to work for three months after that. Once again, Mustang was submitted to the hospital for "laughing too hard," only this time Hughes joined him.

* * *

><p><strong>Don't forget about Equivalent Exchange: I write a chapter for you, you give me a review. That's right, all ninety or so of you. I see you. I know you're reading, watching... (Narrows eyes) I will be on you like a spider monkey on caffeine, only without the dopamine to make me happy!<strong>

**So...which was your favorite? I liked Narnia.**


	12. 133 through 144

**Wow, thanks for all the reviews! Thirty-six is an amazing amount! Keep it up, it boosts my morale!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Disney Sing It, Snuggie, Naruto, or Final Fantasy VII.**

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><p><em>133.) Flame alchemy used on my comrades is not "friendly fire."<em>

"MY EYEBROWS!" Havoc shrieked when Mustang accidentally snapped one day, causing the chain smoker's eyebrows to go 'splodey.

It was all too hilarious to Mustang...until Hawkeye got a hold of him.

Two days later, Ed wandered to the office and squawked, "Uh...Colonel? Why are you sitting in the corner?"

Mustang, too depressed to unleash a taunt, moaned, "Hawkeye put me on time-out two days ago..." He barely managed to conceal his exhausted yawn. "Haven't slept...can you fetch me a cup of coffee?"

For once, Ed actually pitied the man.

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><p><em>134.) I will not start a cult revolving around the Elrics.<em>

Only Fullmetal would be _laughing _in a situation like this. Even though they were tied back to back, Mustang attempted to crane his neck to lock gazes with the shrimp. "Fullmetal, these psychotic, pubescent girls have us captured, standing in a cauldron of water set to boil just so they can eat us in soup form in an attempt to absorb our handsome features and bear our children. I ask again, WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT?!"

Sneaking out a whisper in between his maniacal spiels of laughter, Ed said to the Colonel, "I peed in the soup!"

Later, no one understood why Mustang and Ed slapped high-fives when Havoc took a swig of the peculiar beverage in the cauldron.

* * *

><p><em>135.) I will not enlist Sloth as my workout buddy.<em>

"Sloth...doesn't like yoga..." the Homunculus groaned in complaint as him and Lust stretched their quadriceps on matching lavender mats.

"It's either this or playing Disney Sing It with Envy," she hissed in reply.

"Sloth...likes yoga...very nice..."

* * *

><p><em>136.) I will not lure out the Homunculus Lust by tying a shirtless Roy Mustang to a pole.<em>

It failed drastically. Unfortunately, all that paperwork had turned Mustang a bit flabby. He blamed Hawkeye.

* * *

><p><em>137.) Edward Elric does not parade around in a Snuggie.<em>

"Throwing down the Snuggie" became a very common phrase around Central after a few too many soldiers witnessed Ed ripping off his coat to give someone who insulted him a beat down.

* * *

><p><em>138.) I will not tell Lan Fan that Naruto is an accurate depiction of ninjutsu.<em>

Three seconds after suggesting this, May found herself tied to the ceiling fan with absolutely no clue as to how she had gotten there. All she knew was that those crazy hand motions _hadn't _worked.

* * *

><p><em>139.) I will not start Angsters Anonymous.<em>

"All right," Hohenheim, the group's moderator, said to those gathered, "let the meeting commence!" He smiled, something that no one else in the circle ever did. "Well, I see some new faces. How about you all introduce yourselves?"

Ed gnashed his teeth at the object of his loathing (why was he even leading this group!?) and he gave a grumpy wave. "Hey, I'm Ed. I'm not angsty, but Teacher threatened me to make me come to this...I'm not that bad!" He crossed his arms.

"Hi, Ed..." the rest of the group moaned. Immediately after this, the group fell into disarray.

"I have a scar, so obviously there's a dark, deep, and emotional story behind it!" sobbed Scar. "Why can't people just accept it as my most charming feature and move on?"

Hawkeye patted him on the back. "There, there. Look, we both have tattoos, courtesy of family members. Let's bond over that as we force ourselves to listen to that awful emo poetry that the Colonel wrote."

Mustang stamped his foot but remained in his chair. "It's not emo, it's just very, very deep! You know how hard it is to get over the fact that EVERYTHING I TOUCH DIES!" He suddenly went to sob in Ed's shoulder, and Ed was too shocked and confused to even protest; all he could do was observe as everyone fell to pieces around him.

* * *

><p><em>140.) I cannot defeat Father with the Omnislash.<em>

Ed tried to run at Father, but unfortunately the oversized butcher knife was far too tall and heavy for him; it sparked as he dragged it along the floor, a centimeter or so a minute. "Friggin'...sword..."

* * *

><p><em>141.) I will not open a lemonade stand to fund my quest, nor will transmute the sugar in it into alcohol.<em>

"Sho I wash thinkin', Riiiiza," a completely inebriated Mustang drawled out to his entirely sober First Lieutenant, "tha', one day, we all ssssshould jush GO, jush GO! An'...an' I could wear a meeeeeniskirt tha's teeny weeny!"

Beside him, Fuhrer Bradley slapped him on the back and chuckled wholeheartedly. "I bet..." He trailed off, a stupefied look on his face as he gazed off into the distance.

Ed snickered as he refilled his empty pitcher with ice water, far away from the action but still able to view the Lieutenant chewing out the Colonel and ignoring the Fuhrer. "Best. Fundraiser. Ever."

* * *

><p><em>142.) I will not use Alphonse as a walking cattery.<em>

To some, it would look as if the suit of armor was rubbing in lotion, but only Alphonse himself knew he was plotting world domination! "Soon, my feline friends..." he murmured as he rubbed his chestplate. Within, a few anxious meows rang out. "Soon, this country will be OURS!"

"Al?" Ed called from the other room. "You say something?"

"Nothing, Brother!"

* * *

><p><em>143.) Van Hohenheim is not Santa Clause's secret identity.<em>

"Winry!" Ed whispered furiously to his slumbering friend. It was Christmas Eve, and Ed and baby Al had their friend Winry over for a sleepover.

The toddler girl woke up and groggily rubbed at her eyes. "What is it?"

Ed's outraged frown never left his face. "My mom was kissing Santa Clause under the mistletoe!"

Winry's hands soared to her motuh as she involuntarily let out a gasp. "No way!" Noticing that Ed's frown had morphed into a malicious grin, she let out a long-suffering sigh. "What'd you do then?"

The little boy clenched a victorious fist. "Well, I punched Santa in the wiener! That'll show him to mess with my mom!"

The giggly toddlers went back to sleep. The next morning Hohenheim's voice was three pitches higher and he was walking with a limp. Ed couldn't help but wonder what had happened to his poor dad, but all was forgotten once he unwrapped his nifty new baseball bat.

Let's see what Santa thought of that next year, eh?

* * *

><p><em>144.) I will not send Ed and Al back to elementary school, even though they are missing at least five years of schooling.<em>

The trouble with this plan was that no one had specified which year of school the Elrics would be returning to.

"GIVE ME THE FINGERPAINT, YOU JERK!"

"I'M USING IT TO DRAW TRANSMUTATION CIRCLES, YOU OBNOXIOUS BRAT!"

"YOU MEANIE! AT LEAST I'M TALL FOR MY AGE!"

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A MINUSCULE UNICELLULAR ORGANISM!"

After that, Ed held the school record for being the only kid expelled on the first day of school.

* * *

><p><strong>Which was your favorite? I liked 134 and the Santa Clause one. That'll teach adults to be imposters!<strong>

**Now, don't forget about the Equivalent Exchange, everyone!**


	13. 145 through 156

**Happy birthday to myself. To celebrate, I'm updating, so you all better make reviews as presents. Equivalent Exchange, as I've been saying for the past many chapters. **

**By the way, I discovered that I have an evil laugh, despite not being evil! I sound like female Vanitas from Kingdom Hearts.**

**Anyways, I don't own anything, as usual, except the list itself. **

* * *

><p><em>145.) I will not play Candyland with Gluttony.<em>

"You're not supposed to eat the board!" Lust reprimanded harshly as she attempted to pry the game board, plastic pieces, and cards from Gluttony's second mouth.

* * *

><p><em>146.) I will not have a Star Wars roleplay day.<em>

Mustang groaned in outrage as he eyed his enormous paperback mountain. He itched at the collar area of his vest and slumped backwards in his chair, plopping his boots onto his desk. They _had _to pick Monday for this... "Let's dump these paperwork missions, they're pointless anyway! Tell His Fuhrerness that I'm not in this for his little revolution!"

From where he was sitting on the couch, Alphonse, painted black and adorning a cape, broke his ominous silence by clenching his fist in the Colonel's directon. This being the nonverbal cue, Mustang clawed at his throat, opening and closing his mouth like a desparate fish sucking for its precious oxygen. "I find your lack of faith disturbing!"

Mustang barely managed to gasp out, "Let's...discuss this...with the committee!"

"I AM NOT A COMMITTEE!" Hawkeye exclaimed huffily, pouting, stroking her pistol, and glaring at some hair that had come out of her cinnamon bun hairdo.

* * *

><p><em>147.) - And Edward will NOT be Yoda.<em>

Still pretend-asphyxiating but now wearing a smug, disgusting smirk, Mustang gasped out to another person sitting Indian-style on the couch, "What about you, Master Yoda?"

Ed's only response was to clap his painted green hands and smash them into the ground. "Size matters not!" he said as Mustang soared out the window.

From his own desk, Havoc jubilantly roared, "RWAAAAAARG!", cursing how his speech was forbidden and how he had what felt like public hair glued to his face and body. Drinking a smoothie had been a pain in the butt earlier...and he wasn't sure how adhesive this glue really was in the first place...

* * *

><p><em>148.) I will not tell Ling I am sorry about Godzilla destroying Xing.<em>

"MY BELOVED COUNTRY, DESTROYED BY A RETARDED T-REX!" Ling sobbed into Lan Fan's shoulder after Ed "regretfully" informed his about the tragic news.

Lan Fan, sensing the ruse, reacted appropriately and just flipped Ed the middle finger.

* * *

><p><em>149.) I will not draw a lightning bolt "Scar" on Fuery's forehead.<em>

Everything changed for Kain Fuery the moment that a hairy giant passed him on the street one day, clearly mistook him for someone else, and took him to a wonderful land of magic where he befriended these strange creatures called gingers.

* * *

><p><em>150.) I will not make up crazy secret handshakes to distinguish my allies from Envy.<em>

"Wait...how do I know you're not Envy?" Ed murmured dubiously to Ling within Gluttony's bloody bowels.

Deciding to appease his blond friend, Ling held up his hands. "Shall we?"

They worked in unison. "PATTY CAKE, PATTY CAKE, BAKER'S SQUARE! BAKE ME A CAKE AS FAST AS YOU CAN!"

* * *

><p><em>151.) I will not ask Ed why he left the Wonka factory.<em>

Immediately after Mustang pulled the Oompa Loompa card, Ed started to bounce up and down, singing beautifully and giving Mustang a foreboding warning, "Oompa, Loompa, Doopaty Dee, I am going to punch out your knee!"

The Colonel's aforementioned joint didn't heal for three months. He never bought Nerds again after that, but someone had a habit of leaving Everlasting Gobstoppers lying around his office.

* * *

><p><em>152.) "Pride made me do it" is not a legitimate excuse.<em>

"All right, who dyed Hayate pink?" Hawkeye bellowed one day as she stomped into the office, angrier than an anime otaku who had been just told that Avatar was anime.

Sensing that resistance was futile, Havoc shrieked, "Pride made me do it!"

BANG! Obviously, the excuse failed.

* * *

><p><em>153.) I will not put Scar on the show Jersey Shore, despite his complexion.<em>

Apparently it was against Amestrian law to blow the lower jaw off a scantily clad fake-baker. She didn't die, but it was, tragically, still illegal.

"Worth it, you heathens!" Scar declared as he was carted off to prison.

* * *

><p><em>154.) When Edward's automail breaks (again), I will not loudly hum the tune "Taps".<em>

There were two deaths that day. One, the death of Edward's seventy-second automail arm, and the other the death of Edward's manly pride when Winry brained him with a wrench...again.

* * *

><p><em>155.) I will not give Alphonse the Iron Man paint job, nor will I install said superhero's weaponry on Al.<em>

"Crap!" Ed cursed as Alphonse was propelled into the stratosphere by only his feet. "Why can't Winry give _me _rocket boots?"

* * *

><p><em>156.) Winry Rockbell cannot be arrested for domestic violence.<em>

The really did try to arrest her...unfortunately, she just clobbered them with her wrench as well, and then she clobbered Ed for sending them after her scent in the first place.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Behind the Scenes:<span>**

Wolf was startled away from her computer screen as her bedroom door suddenly was smashed inward by a gelatinous mass of fat and insatiable hunger. Vexed beyond belief, she clambered for the bokken next to her dresser as Lust, Pride, Wrath, Sloth, and Envy all strutted in behind Gluttony. "Of all days, you guys invade my house on my birthday?!" Wolf growled out furiously, glaring fiery, piercing, metaphorical daggers at the Homunculi.

"We have to talk!" Pride hissed at her, clenching his chubby little fingers so they formed nonlethal but adorable fists. He looked like a child who had just been told no, he couldn't get a Wonder Ball at the supermarket, and mommy was going to smack his buttocks silly if he dared to whine for one again. "You have been abusing us for long enough! It's time we got a chapter! I have to get revenge for somehow being sued for sexual assault!"

Envy shoved past his big little brother and also complained, "Yeah, no more using me as a PINTATA!"

Lust shrugged, though even Wolf could tell she desired the same thing. "It's about time we had our own chapter, the reviewers have asked for something like this, where _we _torture those pathetic humans...I want Mustang. Oh, and that Fullmetal, too. Nothing's too young for me..."

Gagging at the last bit, Wolf huffed and crossed his arms, bokken held loosely in her right hand. "And what if I refuse?"

Wrath stepped forward, taking the leadership away from his "son." "Well, unfortunately, we can't just kill you. These continuities of us would die with you...but we can torture you until we get what we want."

Before Wolf could even move, Gluttony was all but on top of her, Pride had shadows pinning her clothes to the wall, and Lust had a fingernail poised at her throat. A bit of blood trickled from her nose, but Wolf, defiant and as much of a stubborn pain in the aft as ever, snarled, "Oh, come on! I broke my neck and had my arm ripped apart and didn't even cry, what could you jerks do to make me cave?"

Wrath just smiled coldly as Envy waltzed forward, a stack of papers in his hands. "_'Lust for the Lemon, _a Fullmetal Alchemist lemon fic featuring ScarEd...chapter one: Ed put his tongue in Scar's - '"

"NO MORE, I'LL DO IT!" Wolf implored. Once she said this, the Homunculi let her go and left...except Envy, who stayed behind to keep reading the lemon.

He rightfully earned a hook and heel kick to the neck, and Wolf couldn't really be blamed for leaving three butcher knives in his chest.

* * *

><p><strong>Now that I've answered questions about a Homunculi chapter in that unconventional way, which was your favorite? Mine was Yoda-Ed.<strong>

**Reviews make good birthday presents, since, you know, you guys can't give me anything tangible anyway.**


	14. 157 through 168

**Sorry it took so long, I had several exams and preoccupations. Anyway, allow me to present you with another deep-dish serving of my personal taste in snark and sarcasm. You're welcome.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except the list itself. If I owned FMA or anything else referenced, why would I be writing Fanfiction?**

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><p><strong>Homunculi Special<strong>

_157.) I will not hire Boba Fett to hunt down the Homunculi._

He actually succeeded in capturing Gluttony, Envy, and Sloth. All Mustang cared about was his flamethrower and how it made the Colonel obsolete.

"USELESS!" Ed could be often heard bellowing months after the Amestrian military adopting the flamethrower as a weapon.

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><p><em>158.) I will not put Gluttony on The Biggest Loser.<em>

Gluttony purged into the toilet, sobbing to himself. "Must...lose...weight!"

They ended up disqualifying him for becoming bulimic. On the bright side, Gluttony got to change his name to Anorexia.

* * *

><p><em>159.) I will not transmute the clothes people are currently wearing into lingerie, wedding gowns, or prom dresses.<em>

"YOU HORRID LITTLE SHRIMP!" Envy shrieked in outrage as he pursued the cackling Fullmetal Alchemist. Unfortunately for Envy, the chase ceased when the Homunculus tripped on his wedding dress's obnoxiously long trail, flipping head over high heels and landing on his face.

What he failed to realized was that he was only wearing a thong underneath.

* * *

><p><em>160.) I will not challenge a Homunculus to a duel to the pain.<em>

After a long enough period of time, Envy became unable to regenerate any further. Weeks later, whenever he walked down the street, all he heard were children crying and women exclaiming, "Dear Gate, what is that _thing?"_

* * *

><p><em>161.) I will not give Envy's monster form a dye job and call it "Entei."<em>

"Ed, what are you doing?!" Ling hollered at the alchemist while they were battling the monstrous Envy.

The blond in question was chucking little red and white balls at Envy's forehead area, pegging him between the eyes almost every time. "I forgot my Master Ball with Al, so I'm just spamming Poke Balls until maybe I catch him!" Ed's eyes widened, and Ling could guess that he was planning a new strategy. "I got it!"

"Ed, what the-"

"A wild Entei appeared. Edward sent out Ling. Go, use Slash!"

Obeying without question (something he would question later), Ling darted forward, howling, "Ling, Ling, Li Ling!" until he stabbed Envy right in the eyeball.

* * *

><p><em>162.) I will not use Lust's fingernails as toothpicks.<em>

Lust's fingernails actually held the weight of the cheese cubes quite well...until Gluttony devoured the cheese cubes, and Lust's nails with them.

* * *

><p><em>163.) While I bathe, turning off the lights to prevent Pride's shadows from seeing is rather unnecessary.<em>

"That boy is such a pervert," Lieutenant Hawkeye admitted one night while showering, lights off and curtains closed. Whether she was actually referring to Pride or Colonel Mustang, no one will know, but she stilled ended up joining Al when Pride was prosecuted for sexual assault. They won that case.

* * *

><p><em>164.) If I spot Sloth, I will not cry, "TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!" and promptly faint.<em>

All was calm in Briggs one day, until Edward Elric sprinted in with a turban on his head. Major General Armstrong, Captain Buccaneer, Major Miles, and all the other soldiers gave him simultaneous incredulous looks as the boy warned, "TROLL! TROLL IN THE DUNGEON! Thought you oughta know..." and immediately fainted afterwards, making him useless for the battle against Sloth.

Later on, Olivier clenched her sword hilt tightly, trying her best not to consider slaughtering the brat. "Harry Potter is henceforth banned for Fort Briggs!"

Fearing for their lives, no one ever mentioned it again, thought it was a shocker when they discovered Olivier's Pottermore account.

* * *

><p><em>165.) Roy Mustang's battle with Lust shall not be referred to as a witch burning.<em>

"It's a witch!" Alphonse exclaimed the instant Lust began to waltz towards him and Hawkeye.

Hawkeye frowned pensively. "You managed to see if she's the same weight as a duck just by looking at her?"

Lust facepalmed at this. "That's the second time someone's referenced Monty Python during this whole Third Laboratory plot!" When Alphonse and Hawkeye merely exchanged quizzical looks, she clarified, "A few chapters back, Jean and the Colonel mentioned the 'huge tracts of land' line-"

Horror ripped through Alphonse. "You're breaking the fourth wall!"

"So?" Lust didn't understand what the big deal was. "Everyone knows this is a fanfic."

"We're not supposed to know that, though," argued Hawkeye.

"Yeah," said Alphonse, "the writer might cut off our scene before we can-"

* * *

><p><em>166.) I will not bring Selim Bradley to the playground without expecting him to psychologically scar the other kids.<em>

The instant a young woman tried to give Pride a lollipop and pinch his "chubby" cheeks, everything went downhill faster than a shopping cart full of anvils with booster rockets attached to the rear.

* * *

><p><em>167.) Sloth is not the same Sloth from The Goonies.<em>

How could anyone have known that May Chang would become best friends with Sloth just by sharing a Baby Ruth with him?

* * *

><p><em>168.) I will not create the Homunculi on The Sims so I can torture them with alien abduction, male pregnancy, and spoiled mac and cheese.<em>

Mustang leaned on Ed's shoulder to glance at the computer screen. "What're you doing, Fullmetal?"

"Playing The Sims," Ed replied. "Right now, Envy is trapped in a one-by-one room with no windows and no doors, Gluttony is pregnant with an alien, Lust is being toasted extra crispy because I stuck her on a chair next to the fireplace, Sloth is trapped in a pool with no ladder, Wrath is dating Father, and Pride is their illegitimate child."

"Did you make me?" Mustang queried nervously.

"No, virtual you would just be a waste of space," said Ed nonchalantly as he had the now dead Lust challenge Death to a yodeling contest.

* * *

><p><strong>Behind the scenes:<strong>

Outraged, the Homunculi once again stormed up to Wolf's room, kicking the doors all down as they went. Upon stomping into Wolf's room, they found nothing but a pithy note, short yet still chock full of Wolf's wit. "I lied," was all it said, but it managed to elicit a plethora of enraged screams from the immortal crowd.

At a Starbucks many miles away, Wolf shut off her tablet, took a wonderful sip of her pumpkin spice latte, and burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter, tears of mirth falling from her eyes.

* * *

><p><strong>Well, there. A Homunculi chapter for you, albeit an unconventional one. I don't like villains, as you can tell. Mean people suck.<strong>


	15. 169 through 180

**Seasons one and two of Brotherhood have been taken off Netflix instant stream. This depresses me...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Slender, Death Note, Lays, My Little Pony, any of the songs, Metroid, Lord of the Rings, Powerpuff Girls, Avatar: the Last Airbender, or Midol.**

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><p><em>169.) The spike on Alphonse's helmet is not part of the dish for his gaydar.<em>

Actually, it really _was _for his gaydar. Al acquired it after the day he accidentally stumbled upon "yaoi fan fics" and became suspicious of every adult male around him. He was a stud magnet...

-FMA-

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><p><em>170.) The Truth is not really Slenderman.<em>

For five years, the body of Alphonse Elric refused to blink as he stared. Once the Truth realized what game Al was thinking of, he started wearing a spiffy suit for all his visitors. Even Father, as it turned out, had played Slender, and he ended up pooping his white bed sheet toga before being thrown through the Gate.

* * *

><p><em>171.) I will not yell, "LIKE A BOSS!" after a transmutation.<br>_

To protest Mustang's new battle cry, Ed decided to yell, "LIKE A SIR!" for his own transmutations.

Hawkeye didn't need to yell any sort of battle cry. Rather, it was the bang of her gun that terrified her enemies, her friends, and two rather idiotic alchemists who worked alongside her.

* * *

><p><em>172.) Sloth will not endorse my potato chips.<em>

"Sloth...can't eat...just one..." the Homunculus moaned as he took another Lays potato chip. "Sloth...too lazy...to lift hand...to mouth..." His head smashed into the bowl of potato chips as he suddenly fell asleep.

Not noticing his unconscious brother, Envy mindlessly reached for a chip, not taking his eyes off his My Little Pony. AND HE ATE IT.

* * *

><p><em>173.) I will not bind my soul to a urinal.<em>

This version of immortality seemed just awesome to Ling...until Armstrong had to take a tinkle.

* * *

><p><em>174.) Garfiel is not the seventh sign of the apocalypse.<em>

The very moment Alphonse entered the mechanic's shop, his helmet's gaydar started going insane. "Brother! I've got a bogey!"

"RUN!" Ed shrieked, leaving a very bamboozled Winry behind with her androgynous boss.

* * *

><p><em>175.) Riza Hawkeye is not Samus Aran.<em>

Once upon a time, Riza Hawkeye wandered into Colonel Mustang's office wearing orange and green power armor. The office exploded from sheer awesomeness.

* * *

><p><em>176.) On the Promised Day, I will not open a booth selling customized gravestones.<em>

Alongside the graves of the heroic fallen, there lay a few bizarre tombstones with ludicrous epitaphs...

_"Here lies Envy, hair green as a pea. __He died in true form, looking like Caterpie."_

_"Here lies Wrath, AKA King. Both killed by Scar and owned by Ling."_

_"Here lies Father...screw him."_

* * *

><p><em>177.) I will not offer Midol to Edward Elric.<em>

"Is it your time of month, Ed?"

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A MOOD-SWINGING TEENAGE GIRL?!"

"...Well, I'm calling you that, of course."

* * *

><p><em>178.) Do not meddle in the affairs of alchemist, for they are not so subtle, but still very quick to anger.<em>

There would be an anecdote to go along with this, but all the options just outraged Ed, and though Wolf has complete faith in her martial arts capabilities, she doesn't particularly want to tangle with an outraged male version of herself on an empty stomach.

* * *

><p><em>179.) I will not use human transmutation to create the Powerpuff Girls.<em>

Since Father had his Homunculi, Hohenheim decided to make his own army of artificial humans. However, he immensely regretted it when they instead devoted their time to brawling with a sentient monkey.

* * *

><p><em>180.) I will not challenge the Flame Alchemist to Agni Kai.<em>

"GAH! Sir!" Fuery exclaimed in horror when Mustang walked into the office. "What happened to your face?"

Mustang's fingers brushed the new burn scar around his eye and cried, "HONOOOOOOR!"

* * *

><p><strong>Myers-Briggs talk: If anyone knows this stuff, do you think it'd be possible that Ed's an INFJ by the end of the series? Or is it just me? is he at least an INxJ?<strong>

**So...what was your favorite?**


	16. 181 through 192

**I got over a 2000 on my PSAT! Heck yes! I just can't tell anyone in the non-virtual world because high school kids are usually petty douche-baglets.**

**I own nothing except the list itself.**

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><p><em>181.) I will not retire from the military because "I took an arrow to the knee."<em>

"Your knee was gone in the first place!" Colonel Mustang refused Ed when he was asked.

Gritting his teeth, Ed thrust out his palm. "FUS RO DAH!" Inexplicably, Mustang soared right out the window.

* * *

><p><em>182.) The Elric brothers are forbidden from dressing as Mario and Luigi and throwing "Colonel Bowser" off a building to save "Princess Winry."<em>

They nearly succeeded in throwing Mustang off the Headquarters' roof, but in the top floor's hallway Ed tripped over a turtle shell and ended up being hospitalized for a broken neck.

Alphonse took over, and he even managed to find flowers that granted fire to the consumer, but in the end he was trampled to pieces by walking shitake mushrooms with faces.

* * *

><p><em>183.) I will not make male pregnancy possible via seahorse chimeras.<em>

"Elric, you're pregnant!" Dr. Knox exclaimed

"NO! I WILL NOT BE STUCK IN ANOTHER OF THOSE CRAPPY FANFICS!"

Dr. Knox eyed not the first, second, or third, but fourth wall. "Uh, Ed..."

"I'M AWARE THAT WE'RE IN ONE RIGHT NOW, YES! DON'T REMIND ME!"

* * *

><p><em>184.) I will not plot anarchy against dairy farms so I won't ever be taunted by milk again.<em>

All was tranquil and pleasant in Risembol, until one day, the sound of trampling could be heard outside.

Sighing, Pinako glanced out the window...and caught side of stampeding cows, possibly the entire bovine population of the town. On the back of the lead cow was a certain State Alchemist.

"RUN, RUN MY FRIENDS! THEY SHALL NEVER HARVEST YOUR REPULSIVE NIPPLE JUICE AGAIN! TAKE THAT, WINRY!"

* * *

><p><em>185.) I will not post pictures of May Chang's fantasy version of Edward Elric around Central City.<em>

To everyone's horror, many of the female population kept the pictures as pin-ups. Pubescent teenage girls, cougar moms, and Garfiel...needless to say, Ed needed psychiatric help for months after that. It didn't help matters that he was mistaken for Edward Cullen.

* * *

><p><em>186.) I will not bottle Armstrong sparkles and sell it as pixie dust.<em>

"I've always wondered what the chemical composition of Armstrong sparkles was," Mustang commented to his co-conspirator. So far, they had made thousands marketing the sparkles to children.

Ed shrugged. "Pixie dust...maybe it's cocaine."

They didn't discuss it any further after that.

* * *

><p><em>187.) I will not plan the wedding of Winry Rockbell to her wrench.<em>

For the honeymoon, Winry delivered her wrench to Ed's left temple.

* * *

><p><em>188.) Roy Mustang's middle name is not Ford.<em>

After that, no one was ever said uttering the phrase "ride in a Mustang" ever again.

* * *

><p><em>189.) Ed's leather pants do not make him a flamboyant rock star. <em>

As a matter of fact, Ed's leather pants helped the band The Fullmetal Alchemists gain international acclaim. They released five albums, with one album all about the Promised Day.

It got awkward in the Xingese court when Emperor Yao and Princess May would suddenly break out in synchronized head banging to the song "I'm Not Short, the World's Just Too Big", but mostly they were ignored.

* * *

><p><em>190.) Edward and Alphonse Elric are not George and Lennie from Of Mice and Men.<em>

"We're going to get your body back," Ed declared as he smacked his fist into Al's chestplate.

Al nodded eagerly, soulfire eyes bright. "An' then I...I get to tend the rabbits, right?"

"..."

* * *

><p><em>191.) Alchemy is not fueled by the Force.<em>

Ed clutched his automail port where, just seconds ago, an arm had been. Before him, that bearded jerk waltzed toward him. How could he? how could he leave him and Al like that?

"Mustang never told you what happened to your father!" Father murmured ominously to Ed.

"Why should I care? He left us!" Ed bellowed back.

"No, I am your father's...clone. Brother. Better half. Uh...Okay, I really don't know where I'm going with this. I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room mate!"

* * *

><p><em>192.) I will not force Roy Mustang and his snapping fingers to audition for West Side Story.<em>

He ended up actually receiving a role, but, regretfully, it wasn't a male one.

"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty, and witty, and GAAAAAAY!"

* * *

><p><strong>Fun fact: After that last one, Hughes took pictures.<strong>

**Which was your favorite? Mine was probably that last one.**

**Vote on the poll on my profile!**


	17. 193 through 204

**Sorry about the longer than usual wait. I've been really sick, and then I was occupied with the holidays.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except the list itself.**

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><p><em>193.) If I am dealing with remains from human transmutation, I will not fearfully call the Ghostbusters.<em>

Ed cried out in agony, clutching the spot where his arm used to be. "This wasn't supposed to hap - "

Suddenly, the door to the hallway was kicked down, and three men in green suits sprinted in, attacking the black corpse with hoses. Thankfully, they didn't claim the armored Alphonse as a possessed object...but that was because Ed transmuted their hoses into pipe cleaners before passing out on the floor.

* * *

><p><em>194.) I will not make Scar a Facebook page.<em>

"I need a last name for you, Mister Scar!" May said to the Ishvalan.

Scar growled and pointed dramatically at her. "I told you, social networking is blasphemy!"

"What do you want to have as your interests?"

"Sacrilegious folly!"

"Do you just want a picture of Xiao Mei as your profile pic? I think the government will be after us if we use your picture, and lots of people have their dogs as profile pictures."

"I don't want a Facebook! No one would friend me!"

* * *

><p><em>195.) - I will not poke Scar on Facebook.<em>

Many of the State Alchemists friended Scar Scar just to poke him. Somehow Edward Elric hacked the entire site just to poke Scar twice.

* * *

><p><em>196.) - I will not poke Scar in real life, either.<em>

"BOOP!" Ed exclaimed mischievously as he poked Scar right on the forehead.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

* * *

><p><em>197.) I will not do a Rocky training montage in the Curtis butcher shop. <em>

"It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight! Rising up to the challenge of our - "

"Boys!?" Izumi bellowed when she discovered Edward repeatedly punching meat hanging from her ceiling, and Alphonse singing "Eye of the Tiger" nearby.

They both looked at the floor guiltily, but she just told them, "Just wash your hands first. You're tenderizing the meat for us," before she walked out.

* * *

><p><em>198.) The Armstrong family cannot call on the POWER OF GRAYSKULL to transform into fighting machines.<em>

"There are too many of them!" one of the Amestrian soldiers cried as one of the Mannequin Army bit another soldier's shoulder.

Alex and Olivier exchanged serious looks and nodded. It looked like they had no choice.

Seizing glittering swords, each adorned with a mysterious gem, from subspace, Alex hollered, "BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!" as Olivier declared, "BY THE HONOR OF GRAYSKULL!"

Right before everyone's eyes, the two's uniforms magically changed into battle-undergarments or something as they simultaneously exclaimed to the heavens, "I HAVE THE POWER!"

The Mannequin Army didn't even last for a minute.

* * *

><p><em>199.) Alphonse's loincloth does not make him Tarzan, nor is Winry Jane.<em>

"AAAOOOOOAAAAAH!" Human Al, wearing nothing but a loincloth, howled as he slid skater-style down a pipe in Central.

Winry, wearing some animal skins and not too far behind him, cried out a warning of, "Watch out for that tree!"

Al smashed into a heavy, hardy oak, despite George of the Jungle having nothing to do with Tarzan.

* * *

><p><em>200.) Roy Mustang cannot set fire to the rain.<em>

Just like Adele, Mustang could only do this after a bad break-up.

* * *

><p><em>201.) I will not send Edward Elric a Hogwarts Acceptance letter.<em>

Upon discovering that magic could be real, poor Edward had a heart attack and was hospitalized. Mustang had never felt so guilty about a prank and he ended up sobbing over the poor boy.

Fortunately, magic doesn't really exist, so Mustang's tears didn't up being magical and cheesily bringing Ed back to full health. Whether or not this is a good thing is up to you, but now all I can do is picture Ed as Rapunzel, singing about floating lanterns.

Blah.

* * *

><p><em>202.) I will not have a Mexican standoff against Hawkeye, because it is impossible to win.<em>

Mexico doesn't exist in the world of alchemy, so therefore this number never happened.

* * *

><p><em>203.) Maes Hughes died in a phone booth, not a police box and certainly not the TARDIS.<em>

Mustang closed the door of the phone booth to get some privacy...and then he gawked at his surroundings, which consisted of a bunch of bizarre technology, the likes of which Amestris had never seen.

"Hello!" a man with spiky hair, a brown long coat, and tennis shoes said to the Colonel. "I'm the Doctor!"

Mustang opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Then, to his dismay, a familiar face appeared beside the Doctor. "Colonel? What are you doing here?" inquired Hawkeye.

The Doctor turned from Hawkeye to Mustang. "Riza? You two know each other?"

"Mustang?" Two more familiar friends appeared, and Mustang couldn't help but feel a bit betrayed as Ed and Al walked toward the Doctor. "What, are you a new companion too?"

"YOU'RE ALL CHEATING ON ME!" Mustang sobbed as he sprinted out.

* * *

><p><em>204.) I will not fight Father with Sailor Moon powers.<em>

If they had known all they required to defeat the Homunculi were slutty sailor suits and the power of LOOOOOOOOVE, the jobs of Ed, Al, Mustang, Hohenheim, and Izumi would've been so much easier, and a lot less interesting to the audience.

* * *

><p><strong>I ended up scrapping a ton of numbers on the list. Half of what you read was entirely unplanned and not in the original list whatsoever. My favorite has to be the Doctor Who one. I may make that into a running gag.<strong>


	18. 205 through 216

**Sorry about the wait, I had finals...On the bright side, thanks for all the reviews! You guys rock more than Geodude!**

**...That was a very bad pun. **

**Disclaimer: As always, I own nothing but the list.**

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><p><em>205. I will not stick refrigerator magnets to Edward and Alphonse Elric.<em>

It started off small when Ling stuck a grocery list to Alphonse's chest plate, but even the gentle boy in armor had to draw the line when Havoc stuck a pin-up picture of Colonel Mustang in that miniskirt to his right shoulder.

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><p><em>206. Telling Truth the number forty-two will not allow me to bypass Equivalent Exchange.<em>

"The answer is forty-two!" Ed yelled while attempting to get back Al's body.

The Truth was unimpressed. "That may be the answer to life, but what is the question!"

Confused, Ed yanked up his copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Finding nothing, he got down on his knees and screamed bloody murder.

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><p><em>207. I will not follow "Gluttony's Eats" on Twitter.<em>

"Hi everybody! Today I ate these two Amestrian soldiers. They were delicious, but they went down my stomach funny...what is this diarrhea everyone keeps telling me I have?"

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><p><em>208. I will not get Scar and Alphonse jobs at Petsmart.<em>

"Adorable..." Scar all but purred as he reached for one of the kittens to pet it.

Al, seeing the outstretched hand, snatched the cat away and exclaimed, "No, Mister Scar, you can't make the kitty go asplode!"

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><p><em>209. Even if my name is Alphonse Elric, I will not put "suit of armor" on my resume.<em>

Apparently you couldn't put "human sacrifice" as one of your prior experiences, either.

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><p><em>210. I will not tell Alphonse that the secret ingredient in the mess hall's mystery meat is cat.<em>

Breda and Havoc shared many a chuckle about their little prank on Alphonse...until one day.

BANG! The door to Mustang's office burst open, and a wrathful Edward Elric stormed in like an avenging angel. "Which. One. Of you. Made Alphonse cry."

Even though Al couldn't technically cry and everyone knew it, both Mustang AND Hawkeye gave Ed permission to beat the two to hell and back.

* * *

><p><em>211. I will not ask Ed if him and the other hobbits succeeded in destroying the One Ring.<em>

"Man, what's in this place?" Ling muttered as he and Ed wandered through Gluttony's stomach.

Ed shrugged. "I don't know, there could be..." Ed froze and reached for something on his waist. He unsheathed a bizarre, glowing sword and gawked at it for some reason. "Crap, Orcs approaching!"

Ling would've blinked in confusion if he had bothered to open his eyes. "What."

They were suddenly ambushed by pig-like creatures, and Ling didn't even bother to fight as he repeated, "What."

"I can't believe we're missing second breakfast for this!" Ed bemoaned as he hacked an Orc's head off his with the blade, probably thinking of scrumptious leather boot.

"What."

* * *

><p><em>212. I will not ask Gluttony when the baby is due.<em>

"Lust, Lust!" Gluttony cried out to his older sister.

The voluptuous Homunculus didn't even look up from her coffee and newspaper as she asked, "What?"

"Envy said I'm pregnant!"

Lust did an actual spit take, spewing coffee all over the unfortunate Wrath, who was perched on the chair across from her.

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><p><em>213. I will not refer to the disaster in Xerces as "a disturbance in the Force."<em>

"Has anyone ever told you you're a lot like a blond Obi-Wan Kenobi?" Trisha randomly asked Hohenheim one day.

He didn't respond, but Trisha didn't miss him hiding his lightsaber underneath his coat.

* * *

><p><em>214. Lan Fan is not secretly the Shredder.<em>

"I can't believe we helped you fight Wrath, you monster!" Leonardo bellowed when they discovered what they thought was Lan Fan's secret identity.

Lan Fan gawked at him. "Wait, you guys are a running gag now?"

"I want to be one too!" the Doctor shouted as he poked his head out from behind a wall.

"And I as well!" the White Witch from Narnia declared.

"HRRRRAAAAAAASSSSSSSS!" the basilisk from Gluttony's stomach hissed, scaring everyone away.

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><p><em>215. I will not use alchemy to create the Dark Mark in the sky after a Scar attack.<em>

"There has been another disturbance in the Force!" Armstrong said as he pointed to thr Dark Mark. "Another alchemist..."

Hughes glanced up at the Dark Mark at the sky, looked at Armstrong, and pushed his glasses up as he sighed. "Major, I think you need a few pop culture lessons..."

* * *

><p><em>216. I will not give Edward Elric a red hat and call him Carmen San Diego.<em>

"Darn it, why can't we find that Fullmetal brat!" one of the Amestrian soldiers seethed as he glared at a wanted poster with the Fullmetal Alchemist's face on it.

Only one person was able to find Ed...

Ed pulled his nice hat over his eyes a little and stated, "Envy."

Envy, guised as Waldo, glowered back. "Shrimp."

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!"

* * *

><p><em>And now, a public service announcement...<em>

The entire cast was gathered on a stage, all looking very uncomfortable. "Hello." Ed read off in a monotone voice as he stared straight ahead...at you. "How are you today."

Al continued in Ed's same tone. "We are here to tell you why you should review." He nodded at their military friends to continue.

Hawkeye took the initiative, doing a better job with the monotone than the Elrics. "If you review, this story could eventually reach over a thousand reviews."

"That's Wolf's goal." Mustang said, doing an even better job reading off his speech, actually sounding casual.

"Then perhaps this story could become even the most reviewed Fullmetal Alchemist story on the entire site!" Ling exclaimed with a grin, somehow sounding normal.

"This'll only happen if you all work together to help," Hohenheim stated as he glasses seemed to reflect the lamp light, giving off a creepy glare that hid his eyes.

"If this were to happen, this story could potentially reach meme status," said Olivier, sounding as uncaring as ever.

"Then you'd be able to quote this story on internet forums and people will actually understand what you're talking about," Lan Fan said, also sounding nonchalant.

"And when that happens..." Izumi started. Without warning, She ceased to speak and her eyes widened. "Cut, somebody cut! The teleprompter stopped working!"

The cast members exchanged worried looks, their eyes wide and frantic. "What do we do without the teleprompter?" questioned Winry.

Envy decided to take advantage of the confusion. "ANARCHY!" Envy abruptly screamed, seizing Yoki by the leg and hurling him into Scar.

A brawl ensued, with random characters beating each other up for the heck of it, and Wolf seemed to be the only sensible one as she kept saying to unlistening ears, "YOU GUYS ALL HAVE A SCRIPT, YOU KNOW!"


	19. 217 through 228

**Wow, thanks for all the reviews, guys! The last update actually got ninety reviews, can you believe it? Keep it up, and thank you!**

**Hey, look, I can finally update since I'm done with another exam! Anyways, I own nothing except the list itself. If I owned FMA...it never would have ended.**

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><p><em>217. Moonwalking is not a skill passed down the Armstrong line FOR GENERATIONS!<em>

Decades after the Promised Day, an elderly, bedridden Alex Armstrong let out a proud sniffle as he watched his grandson on the TV step and say, "That's one small step for man...one giant leap for mankind."

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><p><em>218. I will not watch slasher movies with Barry the Chopper.<em>

"Yay, I love movies with a happy ending!" Barry declared when everyone died in the end.

Not for the first time, Falman cursed Mustang for putting him on guard duty against this psycho.

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><p><em>219. I will not ask the Armstrongs how their Cullen relatives are doing. <em>

Before Ed could even ask General Armstrong that, Buccaneer put his chainsaw arm on Ed's shoulder in restraint. "Kid, you do not want to go there..."

Ed quirked an eyebrow. "And why not?"

Miles, leaning against the wall, shook his head and adjusted his glasses as he answered, "Those vampire wannabes invited her to a baseball game once, apparently, and since then she had them put on some pedophile list."

"If I can't ask, how do you guys know?" Ed just had to say with a smirk.

Buccaneer, in a totally serious tone, lifted up his automail and said, "Well, she told me the entire story, but I had to pay for it..."

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><p><em>220. I will not tie money, gold, or a hooker to a line and go Greed fishing.<em>

"Father, we've discovered your missing son..." Pride snarled, refusing to refer to Greed ss his brother.

A hogtied Greed was thrown to the floor by some shadows, and all the wayward pimp had to say was, "I should've known that Sour Patch Kid on a string was bait..."

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><p><em>221. I will not place blue paw prints on books concerning the Philosopher's Stone and say to the Elrics, "A clue! A clue!"<em>

"Ed, what do you think this sentence is referring to?" Al inquired of his brother.

Biting on a pencil, Ed leaned over and snatched the book from Al's grasp. "This calls for the Thinking Chair!"

Bystanders watched, bewildered, as Ed sprinted over to one of the plush red armchairs and plopped down. "Think! ...Think! ...Thiiiiiiiiiink!" he sang.

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><p><em>222. While in the tunnels beneath Lior and all of Amestris too, I will not sing the "Secret Tunnel" song.<em>

"Why don't I entertain you two with a song?" Hohenheim offered to Rose and the shopkeeper as they traversed the dark, dank tunnel. They were both swift to shake their heads, but Hohenheim decided to belt out a tune anyways.

_"Two lovers, forbidden from one another _

_A war divides their people_

_And a mountain divides them apart_

_Built a path to be together!"_

He frowned mournfully and told them with a shrug, "...Yeah, and I forget the next couple of lines, but then it goes...

_"Secret tunnel!_

_Secret tunnel!_

_Through the mountain! _

_Secret, secret, secret, secret tunnel! YEAH!"_

In a fit of excitement, the "wise" alchemist smashed his lantern against the rocks...enveloping them in darkness so they would stumble into acid minutes later. Only ankles were harmed in this musical production.

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><p><em>223. I will not challenge Truth to a game of Trivial Pursuit.<em>

"What...is your name?" the body of Alphonse read off a card.

Eager to win, the Truth smiled smugly and replied, "I am all, and I am one. I am -"

"What...is your quest?" Al's body interrupted.

Upset by how rude the body was, Truth growled, "To maintain the universe!"

"What...is your favorite color?"

"Blue...no, wait, yellOOOOOOOOW!" Abruptly, the Gate opened up, seizing the Truth itself and pulling it within to its doom.

Al's body stared dumbly at the now-empty space for a moment before sighing. "And there goes my only source of entertainment... HURRY UP, BROTHER! IT'S BORING HERE!"

In the other realm, Ed suddenly cried out in shock and pain and clutched his ears. "Fullmetal!" Mustang yelled. "What just happened!?"

Gnashing his teeth, Ed ambiguously yelled, "Al's having a tantrum!"

This only bamboozled everyone further.

* * *

><p><em>224. I will not start a Yo Momma fight with Edward Elric.<em>

"Hey, Ed!" Ling shouted. "Yo momma is so fat -"

"MY PARENTS ARE DEEEEAAAAD!" Ed shrieked in a dark, brooding voice as he backhanded Ling like a pimp.

Elsewhere, Hohenheim was feeling guilty that Edward considered him dead...and then he wondered why Ed kept his pimp hand strong. Never mind how he knew what was going on, that guy seems to know everything.

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><p><em>225. If Alex Louise Armstrong were the fifth sacrifice, he wouldn't lose his glorious, beautiful muscles or sparkles.<em>

"Major!" Izumi exclaimed as she shook Alex Armstrong awake. His collapse from the Portal of Truth had caused a commotion among the other conscious sacrifices, and Izumi, Ed, and Hohenheim were grouped around him now.

"What'd it take?" Ed asked fiercely, hoping that it wasn't going to be detrimental...

Sobbing his eyes out, Armstrong barely blurted out, "MY LINEAGE!" before he became a total wreck.

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><p><em>226. There is no height requirement for State Alchemists.<em>

"Sorry, kid, you must be this tall to enter the office!" Havoc said with a cheeky grin, pointing to a line Breda had pencilled on the door.

Five seconds later, Havoc was glued to the ceiling, and Hawkeye, the only witness, just ignored his cries and continued with her paperwork. Ed did slip her a high-five as he passed, though.

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><p><em>227. I will not hum the James Bond theme while sneaking around the Fifth or Third Laboratory.<em>

Ed telling Lust he liked to be "Shaken, not stirred" ended up causing more trouble than it was worth.

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><p><em>228. I will not go around Lior with a wagon, banging a bell and shouting, "BRING OUT YER DEAD!"<em>

There was no time for bringing out the dead during riots, but Rose still dragged around her wagon anyway screaming into the ears of anybody who'd listen.

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><p><strong>I read a fic where Ed and Hawkeye became practically best friends, so now I'm wishing more people wrote them like that. I could see it happening...<strong>


	20. 229 through 240

**I spy with my little eye, something that begins with "update"...**

**Anyways, thanks for all the reviews again! They're like the metaphorical butter for my bread...except I don't eat butter. Let's make it jelly instead!**

**Since some reviewers were asking about the fic where Ed and Hawkeye became friends, it's on Livejournal and is called the Crazy Ed Verse. Be warned, it's tragic.**

**Disclaimer: How many times do I have to say I own nothing but the list?**

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><p><em>229. I cannot summon a Patronus to fight Pride.<em>

Deciding to make some other sap share his hatred of spoilers, Envy ran up to Ed mid-battle and shouted, "SNAPE KILLS DUMBLE-"

Ed's hook-and-heel kick made a beeline for Envy's skull, eliciting a loud crack. "I believe we used that joke already."

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><p><em>230. I will not stand outside Roy Mustang's office during a rain storm, making faces through the window as I do a rain dance in my skivvies and snap my fingers repeatedly.<em>

It had been a dull, dreary day at work for Colonel Mustang, and the blustery weather outside only worsened his misery. Even so, there was at least one lustrous facet to this day: Fullmetal was definitely absent from the office.

At least, he thought that until he spotted Ed himself outside his window. In his underwear, no less.

"What are you doing out there?" he mouthed at the bean sprout, hoping Ed could read his lips.

In response, Ed smirked devilishly and started frolicking around like a maniac, snapping his fingers like a flamenco dancer. The message was all too clear to Mustang, who furiously shut his drapes and made up his mind to give Ed a dressing down later...and no, not a literal dressing down, you perverts.

Hawkeye, however, was on Ed's side, and fired upon the drapes's fastenings, bringing Ed back into view.

"Hawkeye, WHY?!" Mustang cried in betrayal.

She simply shrugged. "Ed and I have become co-conspirators due to mutual exasperation concerning you. The underwear part is a bit too far, though..."

They were so busy bickering that they didn't notice Ed fleeing from a shirtless Armstrong, we had wanted to join in the ancient ritual of rain dancing. Flamenco skills had been passed down his line FOR GENERATIONS, after all.

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><p><em>231. I will not reenact The Mysterious Ticking Noise, complete with Kimblee playing the part of the pipe bomb. <em>

"Ed, Ed, Edward Elric," Ed drawled in a Snape-like voice.

"ARMSTRONG-SAN!" Alex Louise Armstrong howled, sounding impressively like Dumbledore.

"Al, Al, Alphonse Elric!" Alphonse cantered, intentionally changing the accentuation of his name in order to fit the rhythm of Ron Weasley's name.

"Lieutenant! Lieutenant, Lieutenant!" Hawkeye did make an excellent Hermione, after all.

...And Mustang, sadly, made a perfect Puppet Pals Harry. "Colonel Mustang, Colonel Mustang, ooh! Colonel Mustang, Colonel Mustang, yeah! Colonel Mustang, Colonel Mustang, ooh! Colonel Mustang, Colonel Mustang, that's me!"

"Ed!" the boy himself growled at the Colonel.

"Mustang!"

"Ed!"

"Mustang!"

"Ed!"

"Mustang!"

"Ed!"

"Mustang!"

"Ed!"

"Mustang!"

"Ed!"

"Mustang!"

"Ed!"

"Mustang!"

"Ed!"

"Mustang!"

"Ed!"

"Mustang!"

"ARMSTRONG-SAN!" To everyone's horror, Armstrong suddenly burst between Ed and Mustang, in the nude. Needless to say, everyone would be needing Lasik eye surgery after this was all over to repair their scarred eyes.

"...Lieuuuuuutenant," Hawkeye was finally the one to shatter the awkward silence, aside from the ticking.

They went on repeating their names for awhile until they all belted out, "Singing our song, all day long in Ceeeeeeentraaaaaaal!"

Alphonse shifted around in the background until he finally declared, "I found the source of the ticking! It's - "

"It's Hawkeye's biological clock!" Mustang interrupted, hoping for revenge against Haekeye for the rain dance incident.

Needless to say, not a single nurse at the hospital busted Hawkeye for assault against a superior officer.

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><p><em>232. I will not embellish the story of the Elrics so it can be the subject of a Disney Channel show. <em>

The Suite Life of Ed and Alphonse ended up being a smash hit, with Roy Mustang co-starring as the airheaded heiress, Riza Hawkeye as the smart and kind candy counter girl, Olivier Armstrong as the uptight hotel manager who ruined all the fun and taught Roy to drive for some reason, Ling Yao as the bellhop from a foreign country, and Van Hohenheim as the bar singing mom...

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><p><em>233. I will not tell Lieutenant Colonel Hughes that Jean Havoc was flirting with his wife.<em>

It really wasn't Mustang's fault. After all, how was anyone supposed to know that Hughes could use bizarre powers like the Destructo Disc against innocent Havoc?

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><p><em>234. Alex Louise Armstrong cannot KNOCK YOU ALL DOWN, Garland style. <em>

"Why am I stuck as Cloud?" Ed growled once some unseen power had forced them into their Final Fantasy outfits. "We're nothing alike!"

"FIIIIRAGA!" Mustang shrieked in his Vivi cosplay gear, shooting a fireball at poor Ling, who was attired as Yuffie Kisaragi.

"Food!" Ling screamed as he fled "...I mean, Materia!"

"...Is there a point to this little skit?" Al, decked out as Golbez, asked Winry in her Celes Chere outfit.

"Nope," she muttered.

"YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!" Everyone shrieked.

"Stupid voice actor jokes..." Ed trailed off.

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><p><em>235. I will not sing the song "Super Freak" while in the presence of Lust. <em>

"Solaris?!" Havoc cried in astonishment.

List just smiled evilly at her "lover", but Mustang asked, "You dated her? ...Can't blame you. Is she a very kinky girl?"

"The kind you don't take home to mother!"

"DON'T YOU SING ANOTHER LYRIC!" Lust threatened as she stabbed right in the spinal cord, turning Jean Havoc into Professor X.

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><p><em>236. The Fullmetal Alchemist is not allowed to take off for summer vacation, despite his age. <em>

Him and Al ended up going to Disney World anyways, completely missing the Promised Day and screwing over Father entirely. That's right, slacking off saves lives!

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><p><em>237. Nerf Wars are forbidden in Central Headquarters. <em>

It was also forbidden to use Scar's scar as a target. Everyone did it anyways, though.

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><p><em>238. I will not accuse Fuhrer Bradley of advocating the Nazi party. <em>

"Hey, maybe your real name was Adolf Hitler!" Greedling sneered at Wrath.

Wrath just blinked. "Who is that?"

"...No idea. I can Nazi where that name is from!"

The joke sailed over Wrath's head, despite Amestris being Germany yet not Germany because anime is confusing.

* * *

><p><em>239. I will not refer to cherry Kool-Aid as red water. <em>

"It's an incomplete Philosopher's Stone," Dr. Marcoh explained to Ed, Al, and Armstrong as he displayed the red water. "However, it costs human souls to make it complete!"

"Oh no!" Alphonse cried in horror.

"OH YEAH!" the Kool-Aid man retorted as he slammed through the wall.

"Eek, it's an anatomically impossible, living, breathing pitcher of a blood-like substance!" Ed screamed in horror.

"They drink from his innards in the commercials, Brother..." Alphonse murmured in terror. "Thank the Gate I can't do that anymore!"

"RUN AWAY!"

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><p><em>240. I will not ask Ling to get down to business to defeat the Huns. <em>

Seeing how he was a greedy glutton, Ling made his montage all about food.

"Let's get down to business

To go eat this bun

Did she give no cream cheese

When I asked for some?

You're the plainest bread I ever ate

But you can bet before I chew

Mister I'll make a snack out of yoooouuu!"

* * *

><p><strong>Not so proud of this set, but Ling as Shang was humorous...which was your favorite?<strong>

**Remember Equivalent Exchange: I write, you review! Reviews usually make me write faster, after all.**


	21. 241 through 252

**Happy one year anniversary! I'm celebrating by adding another bonus at the end...I hope there are presents!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned FMA, we'd have a sequel to Conqueror of Shamballa about alchemists in World War II, because that just sounds awesome.**

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><p><em>241. I will not offer Gluttony liposuction.<em>

The instant Gluttony's obesity issue vanished and he underwent plastic surgery, a new plague swept across Amestris that horrified many a character...Gluttony fan girls.

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><p><em>242. I will nor refer to Father and his Homunculi as Ho White and The Seven Deadly Dwarves.<em>

"SOOOOOMEDAAAAAAAY MY PRINCE WILL COME!" Father was singing off-key as he frolicked around his lair, twirling the pretty yellow dress he had transmuted earlier.

From where they were positioned, all the human sacrifices save Mustang turned to gawk at Hohenheim. "Isn't he based off you to an extent?" Al questioned, concern in his tone.

Hohenheim swiftly shook his head in denial. "I have no idea what you're referring to!"

* * *

><p><em>243. Van Hohenheim is not a Time Lord. <em>

"Hohenheim?!" Ed exclaimed. The Elric brothers, Hawkeye, and the Doctor, along with new companion Mustang, had warped back several hundred years to check out the invention of ramen noodles. However...

Hohenheim sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck as the redhaired girl in a miniskirt and the guy in Roman attire gave the strangers quizzical glances. "Ed, I can explain all - "

WHACK! Ed's automail fist collided with Hohenheim's jaw. "I COULD'VE TIME TRAVELED SOONER WITH YOU, YOU JERK!"

* * *

><p><em>244. - Nor is he one of the Four Seraphim of the organization Cruxis.<em>

"Why do you have Tinkerbell wings glued to your back, Dad?" Little Ed asked one day, pointing to the brilliantly glowing blue wings on Hohenheim's back.

Hohenheim cringed. "It's nothing, go back to bed!" Well, his dress-up routine was better than the Dwarf in the Flask's princess attire, at least...

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><p><em>245. - Or another relative of the Cullens. Seriously, people. <em>

"You're pale white, ice cold, and you sparkle..." Winry trailed off, a stoic expression adorning her face as she faced Ed. "I know what you are."

"Say it," Ed ordered. "Out loud."

Winry barely managed to blurt out, "Vanilla ice cream!" before she broke down in giggles.

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><p><em>246. I will not start a suicide hot line for people who have been molested by fan girls. <em>

"Good evening, the Suicidal Bishie Hot Line is here to aid you! This is Maes, how can I help out?"

"Wait a second...Maes, what are you doing on this line!"

"Roy?! Better yet, why are you calling?"

"I was out on this mission with Hawkeye. We were undercover at the beach, and then these girls...Oh kill me now, Maes, these girls..."

"Calm down, Roy! Now, if you suspect that you're in a bad fanfic, press one."

"What?! What are you talking about?"

"If you believe you are trapped in some crappy doujinshi, press two."

"Maes, I have a gun to my head again, why are you - "

"If you have strange girls currently swarming your kitchen, please hang up and try contacting, say, a State Alchemist or something."

"THAT'S IT, MAES, GOODBYE!"

A few minutes later, on another phone line...

"Hey, this is Ed. Who is this?"

"FULLMETAL, THERE ARE WEIRD GIRLS IN MY KITCHEN AGAIN!"

* * *

><p><em>247. - Nor will I start a rehab center for fan girls who've been rejected by the objects of their affection. <em>

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Hawkeye inquired to her psychologically scarred alchemist comrades as they signed the paperwork for the fan girls, in order to submit them to the mental institution.

"Yes, of course!" Mustang snapped.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Ed shakily queried, his whole body quivering as he recalled the molestation that had occurred before him and Mustang could fully subdue the girls...and boys.

"Haven't you played Arkham Asylum?" she responded. Ed and Mustang shut their traps, Ed because he was imagining the fan girls taking over the asylum and the city, and Mustang because he couldn't imagine Hawkeye ever playing video games.

* * *

><p><em>248. I will not spread rumors that Riza Hawkeye is on anti-depressants to the incredibly gullible new recruits. <em>

People assumed then that depression meant angst and that therefore Hawkeye was some stoic, tortured soul. This single trait, for some reason, catapulted her to number one on the Fullmetal Alchemist character popularity polls, because people just love stock characters.

* * *

><p><em>249. The Fullmetal Alchemist<em>_ does not require a booster seat. _

"Does this make me a little kid again?!" Ed screamed furiously, messing with the booster seat's straps as Mustang focused on the road.

Patience finally snapping, Mustang barked back, "OF COURSE IT DOES!"

Ed huffed, but then he slowly came to realize all the fun things he could do as a little kid...

"Are we there yet?" he asked, his eyes alight with a dangerous glow.

Mustang, refusing to turn around, growled, "No."

"Are we there yet?" he repeated.

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are we there yet?"

"NO, NO WE'RE NOT, FULLMETAL!"

Silence fell. Then... "Can we stop at McDonald's?"

Gritting his teeth but deciding to (hopefully) appease the brat, Mustang pulled the car aside and entered the drive-thru. "What do you want?"

"A Happy Meal! With the boy's toy. Seriously, I don't think even girls like the girl's toy..."

The man ordered the food and pulled up... "Oh, your son is so cute!" the cashier yelled.

Mustang cried out in defeat and fled the car. "I am never appearing in this story again!"

Ed took one final glance at the man's retreating back, shrugged, then jumped up front to take the wheel, eating Mustang's cheeseburger and cackling. "Hehe, that was totally pointless..."

* * *

><p><em>250. I will not lock Edward Elric and Roy Mustang in a closet and take bets on what will happen.<em>

No fighting, no making out, no intense spooning...everyone ended up losing money to Al, who had been the only person to bet that the two state alchemists would just break themselves out and beat the crap out of Havoc and Breda.

* * *

><p><em>251. - Nor will I lock Edward Elric and Envy in a closet and take bets on what will happen. <em>

No one lost this one - the two really did just beat the crap out of each other.

* * *

><p><em>252. I will not use the vat of boiling molten metal used to kill the first Greed as a hot tub.<em>

The only one who had been able to even dip a toe in the metal for a temperature test was Alphonse, and so the cast of Fullmetal Alchemist never got to have one of those obligatory hot spring/beach episodes.

* * *

><p><strong>Behind the scenes... <strong>

Cheer was all around as everyone in the crowded room sipped from glasses of champagne or sparkling grape juice, munched on cheese balls and crackers, and played all sorts of game, up to but not including Wii Tennis, I Never, and Pin the Tail on the Homunculus.

However, it was the game of I Never that was the focus of the most hilarity, so let's zoom in on that...

Ed, Mustang, Ling, Izumi, Scar, Hohenheim, and Armstrong were all grouped around, with Hawkeye standing nearby as the designated bouncer of sorts. One couldn't be too sure where the game would be going, but it was guaranteed to be either super humorous or super moronic...or both.

"I've never lost a limb!" Mustang said with a smirk. Ed and Scar glowered at the colonel but each took a shot, Hohenheim shooting his son a disproving look.

"Don' give me that look, old man," Ed slurred out, four shots into the game. "'S'not like you're Mister Sober, y'know."

"I've never lost more than one limb," Ling said, deciding to play the game wisely and take out each opponent one by one. Ed flipped him the bird but downed another glass.

"I've...never watched My Little Pony," Izumi declared. To everyone's astonishment, Scar and Armstrong both downed a glass each.

"I am not ashamed of my pony comrades!" the Major voiced, but Scar hid his face him shame as Ed pointed and laughed rather dramatically.

"Well, I've never been inside a stomach!" Scar muttered. The others all desperately hoped he wasn't an angry drunk, since everyone wanted to wake up with their craniums intact, thank you very much. Ed and Ling clinked their glasses together as they took It like the men they weren't.

This kept going as they seemed to remember all the silly things they had done.

"I've never had my clothes transmuted into a tiny miniskirt!"

"I've never been believed to be a homosexual vampire!"

"I've never been...a Caterpie, yeah!"

From her corner, Hawkeye could only smirk as the table's occupants passed out one by one. Leaning aside, she turned and asked someone playing a Gamecube, "This isn't going to turn into one of those flashback chapters where we see every important thing to happen in the fic, right?"

Wolf glanced up from her Tales of Symphonia, getting her characters murdered as she replied, "Wait, this fic actually has important events? I thought people just read it for the lame pop culture references."

Hawkeye, seeing Wolf's point, nodded in accord and then asked, "And what was the point of this bonus chapter?"

"Absolutely nothing!" Wolf pointed at their unconscious companions. "Do you wanna draw on Mustang's face?"

Hawkeye considered it...and decided that yes, her superior officer needed a reality check. "Oh, why not?"

And so the pointless bonus chapter ended with Mustang waking up to smelling like Sharpie, and he didn't even get the chance to somehow thank every reviewer before him, Ed, Scar, Ling, Hohenheim, Izumi, and Armstrong were all trying to throw up in one teeny, tiny toilet bowl.

* * *

><p><strong>I got carried away...<strong>


	22. 253 through 264

**Sorry about the wait...but in my defense, I did end up writing two hundred pages of my book over the past month! So...yeah, you'll all get to read that when it comes out! Oh, I also blame Tales of Symphonia since I went through yet another playthrough (you know, it's the one with that reference I made last chapter that no one got!)**

**Anyways, I own nothing except the list itself. **

**And...big thanks for all the reviews! You guys always like the post-chapter extras, so I'm giving you another one!**

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><p><em>253: I will not attempt human transmutation to bring fictional characters to life. <em>

"Al..." Ed whispered weakly from the cot to his brother, trying to hoist himself up with his only remaining arm.

Still unused to his new metal body, Al shakily lifted his armored head and asked, "What is it?"

To Al's chagrin, Ed had decided it was time for the episode's regular angst dosage. "I thought for sure...that human transmutation would bring him back. I'm so sorry I lost your body...I didn't mean for it to happen."

But Al shook his head vehemently. "No! Don't cry for the past, now, Brother mine. Neither you nor I are free from blame! Nothing can erase the things we did, for the path we took was the same."

Groaning, Ed bashed his skull against the bedpost. "Al, why did you just quote 'Brothers' word for word?"

"It's kind of required in every Fullmetal fanfic."

"Huh... I'm still sorry, Al. If I hadn't failed, you wouldn't have been forced to quote that song awkwardly, since people don't normally talk in a rhythm with a rhyming pattern."

"Don't worry, Brother! And...maybe we can try again, when we know how to save her."

"Yeah! This time, we'll definitely bring back Abraham Lincoln, I just know it!"

* * *

><p><em>254: I will not do an expose of Edward Elric's crappy drawings at an art gallery. <em>

"What do you guys all think?" Ed asked eith a grin as he showed them one of the night's top exhibits.

Izumi peered into the painting's depths, trying to analyze it. "Ed, I'd say this is a pretty terrible painting. I can barely tell it's an elephant."

"...It's supposed to be Winry..."

* * *

><p><em>255: I will not sit outside of Kimblee's cell and shoot<em> _spit__ wads at him. _

Since the psychotic Crimson Alchemist couldn't even raise his arms enough to get the spit wads completely off of him, he ended up looking like the Abominable Snowman when he was exonerated.

Enraged, he solemnly swore revenge on that bratty shrimp of an alchemist, and that he'd make him into a shrimp kebab the next time he saw him...which he did.

* * *

><p><em>256: I will not make a baked good peace offering for the Homunculi, complete with pot brownies. <em>

As a matter of fact, all the alchemists knew that nutmeg in an overly concentrated dose worked as a drug, and they ended up beating all the Homunculi into unconsciousness just by feeding them pastries.

* * *

><p><em>257: Hohenheim did not leave his family to become a Pokemon master. <em>

With his teeny toddler son Edward nestled in the crook of his arm on the boy's bed, Hohenheim smiled down affectionately and asked, "Son, did I ever tell you about when I wanted to be the very best, like no one ever was?"

* * *

><p><em>258: I will not refer to Dr. Marcoh as "Tim the Enchanter." <em>

After Ed and Al asked Tim Marcoh for info on the Philosopher's Stone, he ended up sending them on a journey that involved killer rabbits and Major Armstrong being tossed off a bridge of death because he couldn't decide on his favorite color...

* * *

><p><em>259: I will not song Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" whenever Alphonse Elric enters the room. <em>

Everyone in Roy Mustang's office flinched when the door exploded inward. Normally, they were used to this behavior from their favorite midget alchemist, but today it was even more cacophonous than usual, which was troubling. Why would that be?

"Fullmetal," Mustang moaned as he rubbed thebridge of his nose, "what do you-"

He looked to the doorway and ceased talking. Instead of Ed, Alphonse was standing in the door, painted gold and hot rod red. "What the-"

"Oh, hi there, Colonel Mustang! Erm, Winry installed new technology on my suit, and Brother was just messing with it...it was an accident!"

"Edward?" Hawkeye was staring at the space behind Al and the debris that was once called the door, where Ed was standing with an enormous radio. "What are you doing?"

"Hang on, Lieutenant," said Ed, fiddling with a knob.

Then everyone's eardrums were busted as the halls of Central Command exploded with cries of "I AM IRON MAN!" and wailing on an electric guitar as well as bass and drums.

* * *

><p><em>260: I will not put Armstrong in a green dress and call him Tinkerbell. <em>

"Nggh, my eyes!" Hughes blurted out in anguish the first time he saw the Major in that skimpy green dress.

Filled with compassion for his commanding officer, Major Armstrong flexed his muscles heroically and declared, "FEAR NOT, LIEUTENANT COLONEL HUGHES, FOR I CAN CURE YOUR AILMENTS WITH FAITH, TRUST, AND PIXIE DUST!"

Hughes hesitantly opened one eye, saw Major Armstrong right next to his face, and promptly fainted.

* * *

><p><em>261: No matter how many times I hear it, the Flame Alchemist's actual name is not Colonel Bastard. <em>

It started off innocently enough. Mustang had just debriefed a few unfamiliar soldiers, getting details on the newest mission. "You're dismissed," he told them, waving them off lazily.

The men nodded curtly, and one of them said, "Yes, Colonel Bastard."

Mustang's eyes widened in shock, and his head shot up faster than Ed's temper could snap. "What did you say?"

"Uh...sorry, sir!"

Then, two days later, a newer, pretty lunch lady was the one serving up the meatloaf. Mustang considered chatting her up, but when he got to her serving station she smiled and called out, "Good afternoon, Colonel Bastard!"

Okay, she wasn't worth his time.

It got more bizarre, however. A week after the last name-calling incident, Mustang was in a meeting with some of the higher ups, including a transfer from Western Command. Upon his entry, the Brigadier General saluted cordially and said, "Your name's Colonel Bastard, right? The Flame Alchemist?"

So now he was furiously pacing his office like a caged, caffeinated lion, shaking his black mane as he tried to puzzle this out. "Why would random people be calling me that?!" he muttered aloud.

Hawkeye, hearing of his dilemma but not wanting to solve it, decided to only give a subtle hint. "Perhaps they're simply most familiar with what they hear the most."

"But who would tell them my name is actually-"

The office door slammed open. "Goooooood evening, Colonel Bastard!"

Mustang figured it out in a second, and it took the same amount of time for Ed's eyebrows to be singed off.

* * *

><p><em>262: Long John Silver does not have Fullmetal Shrimp Baskets.<em>

_"_NO, I DON'T WANT RETARD SAUCE WITH THAT!"

"Edward, it's tartar sauce."

Ed flipped the table and declared he wouldn't let anyone ever eat from an establishment that served up his midget brethren ever again...although that wasn't his wording, that was just how Mustang described it to Hughes later when retelling the story.

* * *

><p><em>263: Gluttony will not be put on the Subway diet. <em>

Two days later, Ed, doing his boycott on Long John Silver, ran into Lust, Envy, and Gluttony at Subway, all three of them getting low-fat, low-carb, low-sodium sandwiches.

"Uh...care to join the boycott of evil fast food corporate scum bags?" Ed asked as he ordered the meatiest sandwich you could ever ask for, sans cheese. No way would be ever eat a byproduct of cow nipple juice outside of stew.

"Nah, I don't really care about society," Envy replied, tugging his Rainbow Dash hoodie over his head.

"...Wow, I kinda stopped caring too."

So, for reasons Ed couldn't explain, he ended up eating lunch with the Homunculi, and they formed a club against the stupidity of humanity while eating clubs as well. He still refused to watch a show about ponies, however.

* * *

><p><em>264: I will not host a mustache show and awards for best, scariest, and sexiest mustache. <em>

After Armstrong won for ten years straight in every category, the horrendous black caterpillar that Mustang had let fester on his face took home the prize for scariest 'stache.

Hawkeye shaved it off in his sleep the very next day.

* * *

><p><strong>Omake <strong>

"Three hundred people favoriting and following over all..." Pride muttered furiously, using his shadows to pick his nails clean. "And an author with an entire list written...yet this story only gets reviews from one-tenth of its followers per chapter, and the hiatus last time was RIDICULOUS!"

The lesser characters of "444 Things I'm Not Allowed to Do in Amestris" were all grouped around a table at Panera Bread, each one either sipping a cup of java, nibbling on a sandwich, or doodling villainous doodles on napkins, mostly consisting of plans to torture Wolf, the writer.

"Not to mention I barely appear," Greed commented as he leaned back in his chair, propping up his feet on the table. "Every time I do, it's just my body; the brat prince is always in control."

"So what? It's still an appearance!" Izumi growled.

"I'm Greed, you moron! Of course I want all the screen time, you-"

SMACK!

Panera Bread's wall had a fresh hole approximately the size of one illegal immigrant prince, courtesy of a certain housewife. "That was fun to watch," Winry said with a sigh, "but it doesn't solve our problem."

"We just need to do something that makes the readers review more and Wolf update faster," said Wrath, calmly sipping from a teacup of Earl Grey.

They all mulled over their dilemma for about an hour. Then, surprisingly, out of all people, Scar snapped his fingers, scaring the snot out of everyone else. "I have a drastic solution."

* * *

><p><em>Click. <em>Smirking triumphantly, Greed kept the pistol aimed at his hostage's temple, keeping the captive in a crushing headlock. "Game's up, everyone! Review more and write more, or he dies!"

Wolf, eyebrow raised, glanced from Greed, to the hostage's terrified expression, to the gun, and back to Greed. "Normally, my raging hero complex would make me spring to action, but..."

"What?!" Greed seethed, unable to believe their plan would fail.

"Well, Greed, let's face it: your hostage is Yoki, why would I be desperate to save him?"

And so the writer went back to drinking her coffee and playing old Gamecube games, with Yoki shrieking right in Greed's ear, "YOU TRAITOR, I JUST WANTED TO BE IN THE STORY TOO!"

* * *

><p><strong>Happy Batman Day, everyone!<strong>

**Also, for curiosity's sake as well as for determining who gets more screen time in this story, in your reviews can you name your top three or five favorite characters? Four's acceptable too! It just seems like I always use the Elrics, Mustang, and Hawkeye...**


	23. 265 through 276

**Hey, guys. If updates get a little sparse this next month, I'm really sorry. I have finals, a tumor removal, karate nationals, and camp, along with a possible vacation, so I'm going to be really busy! To make it up to you, I'm leaving this one off with an extra long omake that will actually have a continuation!**

**Blabbity blah, I don't own anything but the list. **

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><p><em>265: I will not take out a life insurance policy on a Homunculus. <em>

The insurance agent frowned as he perused the paperwork, eyeing his suspicious client. "It says here you filed a claim for your head being chopped off?"

Greed shrugged. "That's actually happened a few times, though...so does that double the money I get?"

In the end, Greed was just jailed for insurance fraud instead.

* * *

><p><em>266: -Nor will I take out a life insurance policy on Edward Elric. <em>

"YOU BASTARD!" Ed yelled when he found out what Mustang had done.

The man held up his gloved hands in a defensive gesture. "Hey, it's practically a known fact that you nearly get yourself killed every day by pissing off people twice your size...which would add up to what, three feet tall? Ed, don't get murdered by the citizens of Munchkinland."

"I HOPE YOU GO BALD!" Ed shrieked.

"I HOPE THEY CANCEL BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY!" Mustang retorted.

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

* * *

><p><em>267: I will not lead the guards of the Fifth Laboratory and the prisoners set to be sacrified for Philosopher's Stones in a jaunt of "Jailhouse Rock." <em>

So Lust and Envy had headed over to the Fifth Laboratory to deter the Elric brothers from catching the Homunculi's scent. However, when they arrived, they realized just how much no one cared anymore about moving on the plot...

"Let's rock!" Ed sang, clad in a spangly white spandex suit and thrusting his hips in a bizarre dance form.

"Everybody let's rock!" added the Slicer, dressed identically to Ed and making the addition of a foot tap to the air humping.

As they went on and even did an encore for their nonexistent audience, Lust facepalmed in the shadows. "How did this boy make State Alchemist again?"

* * *

><p><em>268: I will not use Envy as the office's Christmas tree. <em>

"Don we now our gaaaaay apparel!" Ed snickered as he hung a Justin Bieber ornament on the heavily shackled Envy's hair.

"I HATE YOU!"

* * *

><p><em>269: I will not have Darius kidnap Winry and climb the tallest building in Central, howling like a madman. <em>

"What does Darius think he's doing?" Heinkel growled as he sidestepped a barrel and a strange green turtle.

"Don't worry, Winry!" For the occasion, Ed had once again donned his red Super Elric Brother outfit, though Luigi-Al hadn't joined him. "I'll save you from that banana eating fiend, Mister Gorilla!"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Darius hollered down from the top of the skyscraper.

"Sorry, Donkey Kong!"

"NO!"

"...Diddy Kong?"

Heinkel barely caught Winry as she fell, for Darius had dropped her in order to furiously fling himself at Ed.

* * *

><p><em>270: I will not host the Hohenheim family reunion. <em>

Ed scooted his chair closer to Al's, multitasking by shoveling parfait into his mouth while glaring down a table of Homunculi. "This party sucks royally," he muttered. "How come Hohenheim actually admitted to the Homunculi and their father being related to him?!"

Al shrugged, his shoulders clanking with the movement. "I'm not sure, Brother. He said he'd learned something from Mr. Hughes that may bring down the Homunculi..."

"Huh," Ed huffed, finishing off the last bite of his parfait and then forging his way into a bowl of soup. "So for once, that rotten jerk's gonna be useful. And what...wait, is that Greedling?"

Sure enough, the prince of Xing was barreling his way toward their table, and one look at his squinted eyes told the brothers that their annoying illegal immigrant friend was in control. "Hide me, Ed!" he cried in terror, huddling and shivering behind Al.

"Hey, get off of Al, you nimrod!" Ed pried his vitriolic best bud from his brother's legs, shaking the blubbering kid. "What's going on, anyway?"

Ling just shook his head, his eyes actually OPEN, and wide with fear at that. "He's...your father...can't you hear him from here?"

"Wha-"

Suddenly, Father sprinted past the three teens, biting his lip and shaking his head furiously. Hot on his heels was Hohenheim, hoisting up a picture for everyone to see "I know you've already seen them as teenagers," Hohenheim hollered as he ran, "but look at this baby picture I have of them! THEY'RE SO ADORABLE! See, little Alphonse has his pacifier and looks cute as a button, and Edward has his best clothes on! They're such sweet little boys, aren't they? But I already know that, ha ha ha!"

"I SURRENDER!" Father shrieked. "JUST PLEASE SHUT UP!"

* * *

><p><em>271: It's the Philosopher's Stone, not the Sorcerer's Stone. <em>

Ed pumped a fist when he tumbled his way through the magical flames, past the final obstacle to his goal. Any minute now, he's have the Stone, and he'd be getting Al's body back!

However, the best laid plans of mice and men-

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO MINUSCULE THAT HE COULD BE MISTAKEN FOR A RODENT?!"

Enough shattering of the fourth wall! But yes, plans often go awry, as Ed's did when he found himself in a room only occupied by a mirror and a smelly guy in a turban.

"You're not Potter," the mysterious man stated, as if Ed was supposed to know who the crap Potter was.

"Kill him..." wheezed a nasally, stuffed up voice. "He is of no use to us..."

"Big talk coming from the guy wearing a towel!" Ed retorted. "Where'd you come from, the beauty sal - ACK!" The man flicked a stick, and Ed hurtled toward the mirror, barely avoiding impact.

"On second thought, you must be here for the Stone too!" said the man.

"What does he see?" hissed the creepy, lofty voice once more. "Tell me!"

"Stone? It's in the mirror?!" Ed looked into the mirror.

"Yes, yes, do you see it?"

"...No, I see myself and my brother and my mother, and also Mustang, but his hair is on fire and he seems to be yelling..."

"You lie, runt! The Sorcerer's Stone will be mine!"

Ed's mind nearly flatlined. "...What?!" he finally yelled, indignation exploding from him. "It's gotta be the Philosopher's Stone, and - I AM NOT A BEAN SPROUT THAT YOU COULD STIR FRY AND SERVE WITH YOUR KUNG PAO RICE, YOU SMELLY JERK!"

Ed left the room completely unsatisfied. Voldemort never left the room at all, for even his splintered spirit was too terrified of the wrath of the bean.

* * *

><p><em>272: I will not refer to the Mannequin Soldiers as Nazi Zombies, and head shots will not work on them. <em>

"DOUBLE KILL!" Hawkeye uncharacteristically bellowed when Mustang incinerated the entire Mannequin Army.

* * *

><p><em>273: "For Frodo" is not an acceptable battle cry. <em>

"For Brother!" Al cried when he pummeled Pride and Kimblee away.

"For equality!" Heinkel roared after he'd torn Kimblee wide open.

"I don't have a cause that I stand for!" Yoki screamed as he rammed into Pride with his car.

* * *

><p><em>274: -Neither is "FOR NARNIA!" <em>

"Where's Narnia supposed to be, sir?" Hawkeye inquired with exasperation after Mustang declared that name to the heavens during a fight.

Clap, snap, clap, snap. Mustang kept in rhythm as he replied, "Well, I never got to be Fuhrer of Amestris, so I decided to make my own country."

"I worry for their citizens."

The soldiers had been reduced to ashes, but Mustang's inner passion had not! "Black Hayate's my chief advisor, and Ed's my jester, though he doesn't know it. I rule over an entire continent of platypuses who submit to my will."

"...Sir, how much coffee did you have this morning?"

"I am their platypus king!"

"..."

* * *

><p><em>275: I will not have Edward Elric star in The Bachelor. <em>

"Ed, now is the time," the host said dramatically, spreading his arms like Spongebob when talking about imagination. "You have to choose between these twenty-five Mary Sues. Who will you give your first rose?"

The only thing Ed did was stab them all in the faces with the rose thorns. "RAPE, RAPE, RAPE, RAPE!"

He dashed outside, heading for the nearest phone booth to make an important call...

"Good evening, the Suicidal Bishie Hot Line is here to aid you! This is Maes, how can I help out?"

* * *

><p><em>276: - Nor will I have Envy star on The Bachelorette. <em>

"This Envy chick is pretty weird," said bland but somehow aesthetically pleasing male contestant number eighteen. "We started having a deep, intellectual conversation, and then she just shapeshifted into a guy in his thirties!"

* * *

><p><strong>Omake <strong>

"No more incest, it's not a request!"

"I don't care if yaoi is all the rage, the Fullmetal brat is still underage!"

These, along with various other shouts, rang throughout the street. Spread out in a slightly dispersed crowd were the various characters of Fullmetal Alchemist, carrying picket signs and flyers while yelling for the cause.

Wolf picked her way through the street, finally stopping next to the Elric brothers. "Hey guys, what's going on?"

Ed rapidly shoved a flyer into Wolf's and tossed her a picket sign. "We're protesting for the Characters Rights movement!"

"No more making me into a sexual deviant!" Pride raged.

"Yeah, and I don't need to fall head over heels with the seven thousand and ninety-first Mary Sue!" Mustang bellowed in his angry baritone voice.

"And I'm sick of dying in fics so Ed and Mustang can weep over my grave and then drastically get over my death in a day by doing nasty things with - "

"AL, THAT'S NASTY!" Ed screeched, kicking his brother's helmet off. "Me, I'm just sick of hooking up with guys and people I find annoying, and Al always dying, and...well, pretty much everything."

"Authors are the one percent, characters are the ninety-nine percent!" May said, waving her own picket sign wildly.

"Occupy Fanfiction!" Lan Fan cried, flying a banner painted with depictions of character plight.

"Starting with her!" Gluttony exclaimed, pointing a chubby finger at Wolf. Most of the characters moved in to kill, but Wolf stepped back and rolled away from Wrath's thrown sword. "Wait a minute, I'm not responsible for the porn and stuff!" The characters were still frowning, but they paused to listen. "I just let you guys all pick on each other, it's a lot of the other authors that allow you to die or...date people you don't like! It's them and the omnipresent narrator who dwells in every story!"

It took everyone several minutes to digest her explanation, but then Hawkeye asked, "Hey, where's Envy?"

Ed's head whipped back and forth, scanning for the genderless Homunculus. "I don't know!"

"He better not be near any phone booths!" Mustang muttered darkly.

Wolf shrugged. "Well, wherever he is, he probably isn't harming any characters since you're all-"

BANG.

"...Hey, what is this? I can't see a thing?"

"What the? What's going on!?"

"I can't see, hear, touch, smell...it's like I can read off your guys' words in my mind!"

"What just happened?"

"Guess what I just did? I solved all our problems!"

"...Envy, is that you? What did you do...?! Tell me!"

"Since they can't torture us perfectly without the narrator, I went ahead and killed him! It. Was. GREAT!"

"WHAT?!"

"Envy, this is Wolf! Do you realize what you even did, you dumb bastard?! You've created a fanfic paradox! Reality won't be able to continue! We'll all be trapped in this limbo forever unless we go on an epic journey to restore Fanfiction to its perverted but rightful glory!"

"...This actually sounds pretty epic."

"I don't know how we'll do it, but okay!"

"Although things are going to be pretty difficult since we can't tell who's who."

"...So no one knows who's speaking right now?"

"No?"

"In that case, EDWARD ELRIC IS A MICROSCOPIC PROTIST WHO NEEDS A MINI STEP STOOL TO GET ON SN ACTUAL STEP STOOL!"

"I KNOW THAT'S YOU, MUSTANG!"

* * *

><p><strong>Another running gag: Mustang thinks he rules the platypuses. I have NO idea why.<strong>

**Anyways...to be continued?**


	24. 277 through 288

**Sorry guys, school finals, camp, and tumor removal had me everywhere at once...along with power leveling on my fourth or more playthrough of Tales of Symphonia. And writing my book, but hey, I'm on page four hundred now! I also decided that I'd want Travis Willingham voicing one of my characters, but moving on...**

**I own nothing but the list itself! So everyone remember that, or else this fic'll have the same fate as 100 Things I'm Not Allowed to Do in Middle-Earth, meaning it'll be hard core plagiarized! Here we go! *flies off Peter Pan style* **

* * *

><p><em>277.) I will not dye myself green, live in Al's armor, and refer to myself as Oscar the Grouch. <em>

"Ed, do you have anything you'd like to teach the child audience?" Hughes asked during the pilot episode of Xingese Street.

Ed popped his head out of Alphonse's armor and told them advice he wished he had known during his own early adolescent years. "Don't try bringing back the dead, kids; you'll just create a grotesque, black, decaying mutant monster who will bleed out in seconds, and you'll bleed out right after your brother loses his soul to a godlike being of nothingness. Oh, and then you'll become a cyborg."

The show was cancelled after the first episode.

* * *

><p><em>278.) I will not bust the Fullmetal Alchemist under child labor laws. <em>

Kids were supposed to be in school, after all, and not risking their precious, flawless, squishy skins in the line of fire. And everyone knew that Edward Elric was always under fire, between Homunculi who desired him as a sacrifice, angry mobs he randomly decided to piss off during a quest of petty vengeance, and fan girls who desperately wanted a fictional character for a boyfriend so they could pet his luscious hair and rape his tonsils.

However, once again he was referred to the grade he'd dropped out of...second grade.

"That's a nice finger painting of an elephant, Eddie!" one giddy girl exclaimed as she splattered red and blue paint all over her own construction paper.

Ed gave her a long, blank stare. "...This was supposed to be Granny Pinako!"

* * *

><p><em>279.) I will not spread rumors that Alex Armstrong is a Victoria' Secret model. <em>

"He's WHAT?!" Mustang howled after Hughes spilled the beans. Havoc shrieked like a six-year-old girl in horror, Fuery began quaking in his boots, Ed clawed at his eyes and sprinted out of the room, and of all people, HAWKEYE was the one to perform a spit-take and spew boiling black java all over Falman's tidy uniform.

"Yep, he models for them, g-strings and all!" Hughes continued, sniggering at Mustang's mien of absolute disgust and terror.

"Why would you tell me this?!"

"Oh, I just wanted to see your reaction!" He was doing a pretty decent job of concealing his own fear. Armstrong got shirtless enough, but this was crossing the line _twice._

Unnoticed by all, Alphonse sat hunched over in the corner, his armor body quaking ever so slightly. No one would ever know he started that rumor...no one at all.

* * *

><p><em>280.) I will not attempt to fertilize Envy, even if he is a palm tree. <em>

"NEVER AGAIN!" Ling screeched after Envy had transformed into his monster body the instant the fertilizer made contact.

* * *

><p><em>281.) I will not make the fate of the world rest on a game of rock, paper, scissors. <em>

"Paper beats rock!" yelped Father when Izumi challenged him.

So Izumi just used her rock to punch straight through his flimsy paper and smash in his face. "That has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

* * *

><p><em>282.) I will not get Ling addicted to PAAAAASSSSSTTTTTAAAA! <em>

"Ed!" cried Ling when he was surrounded by enemy soldiers, more overjoyed by the sight of the midget alchemist than Colonel Mustang would be by the sight of a dog or miniskirt...but not a miniskirt on a dog. "I'm so happy to see you! They caught me!"

"You guys don't look very beat up," Ed commented, narrowing his eyes in suspicion as he played detective. "It's like you didn't even fight!"

"We didn't," said one soldier, confirming Ed's concerns. "He surrendered upon sight."

"YOU COWARDLY, SQUINTY-EYED MORON!"

* * *

><p><em>283.) I will not refer to conceiving a child as human transmutation. <em>

"See, look!" Ed declared, shoving his snot-nosed, quibbling infant under Mustang's unsuspecting nose."Look at what Winry and I transmuted! Told you I'm still an alchemist!"

Mustang's snarky reply of, "It's a somewhat shoddy transmutation," got him punched in the mouth.

* * *

><p><em>284.) I will not host a carnival in Fuhrer Bradley's office. <em>

Yoki was very successful as the clown, especially since everyone just let the kiddies do everything from giving him swirlies to hurling him out the seventh-story window.

* * *

><p><em>285.) - Nor will I put Roy Mustang inside the dunk tank. <em>

"Was it really necessary to put snapping turtles in the water, Lieutenant?" Mustang growled. To shut him up, Hawkeye just pointed her pistol at him for the fifth time that day.

"Hey, Lieutenant!" greeted the absolute last voice Mustang wanted to hear at a time like this. _No no no no no no- _

"Hello, Ed," replied Hawkeye. "Care for a try at what people are dubbing 'Dunk the Douche Bag'?"

Ed's smirk spelled out Mustang's impending doom. "You bet I do." He shot a brief but wicked grin in Mustang's direction. "Time for you to feel useless again!"

He eagerly snatched a baseball from Hawkeye's outstretched hand. Mustang knew he had to stall. "Now Fullme- Err, Edward! Ed!" The use of his real name brought Ed pause, and Mustang threw a little miniature toga party in his head. He had to keep it up! "I know we...mutually exasperate each other on a daily basis, but you should know you're like family to me!" Seeing Ed falter further, though he appeared a bit bamboozled, Mustang knew now he had to hammer it home. "Besides, my army of platypuses will avenge me if anything affects my well-being! I am their king after all!"

There. He wished Hughes had been there to photograph that stupefied look on Ed's face. Turning to Hawkeye, the blond in red asked, "What is he talking about?!"

Hawkeye facepalmed. "It's a long story."

Ed dropped the ball to discuss things with Hawkeye, Mustang sighed in relief. Good, no being useless for him today-

"EDWARD, YOU ARE SUPPORTING THE CARNIVAL AS WELL, I SEE!" Armstrong sobbed in joy as he sprinted toward Ed for one of his gruesome bear hugs. Overwhelmed by his raging emotions and hormones, he ripped off his shirt as he ran...knocking one fist into the dunk tank target in the process.

Upon descending into the murky, freezing waters, Mustang let out a cry of, "MY KINGDOM WILL AVENGE ME!" before the snapping turtles wreaked havoc on his digits.

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><p><em>286.) I will not do a Hohenheim cosplay and walk up to Edward Elric, asking if he'd like to reenact the climax of The Empire Strikes Back. <em>

Once Hohenheim came into play, the group had to change their Star Wars Roleplay dynamics entirely, even enlisting their enemies to have fun alongside them...for certain reasons.

"You really want me to be Lando Calrissian?" Scar stated incredulously.

Ed shrugged. "It's a race issue, I guess..."

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><p><em>287.) Roy Mustang is not my personal s'mores device. <em>

However, toasting a marshmallow is drastically different from blowing a marshmallow to smithereens, and Mustang's blasts didn't have a gentle, caressing setting.

"Here's your marshmallow!" he said to Alphonse the first time they randomly went camping after he got his body back. He handed the teen a pile of sugary black dust.

Sadly, Al still thought it was delicious.

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><p><em>288.) I will not tattoo the Ouroboros on my unconscious friend. <em>

Everyone conspired to do this to Mustang one night after he got horrendously wasted, but it all backfired when he went around the next day declaring he was the Homunculus Lust, and saying that it completely justified him hitting on every female in Central.

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><p><em>Omake <em>

"The following stupidity takes place between two P.M. and three P.M."

And so our brave heroes and villains got the narration back, but not before some outrageous training for their oncoming war...

And a good soldier needs a good diet.

"Epic Meal Time!" Ed shouted to the camera with the entire cast clustered behind him, crammed into Wolf's teeny kitchen while the author herself was holding the camera. "We've gotta make bacon-wrapped, bacon-flavored bacon, so let's start by getting the bacon!"

"The Intrepid" from the Brotherhood soundtrack played beautifully in the background as Ed and company worked in rapid succession.

"Put the bacon on the plate!"

"Layer the bacon with more bacon!"

"Pour on some extra bacon grease! ...With bacon!"

"Put the bacon in the microwave!"

"Wait for it to finish!"

"Wait for it to finish some more!"

"Get bored of waiting!"

"Go run a few miles!"

"Fight off ninjas!"

"Fight off ninjas from eating all your bacon in the fridge! ...Seriously, Ling, quit it!"

"Give up on the microwave and just use alchemy!"

Between Kimblee and Mustang, Wolf didn't have a microwave anymore. Or a kitchen.

They didn't even have bacon. Or any pride.

Actually, they really got nothing out of this except a story to bore everyone with.

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><p><strong>I waited so long to write that I forgot where I wanted to go with the Epic Meal Time parody...so I did some improv. My favorite's probably the dunk tank. Yours?<strong>


	25. 289 through 300

**Moving is a pain. Just saying.**

**If you haven't seen The Iron Giant, you won't get Al's reaction in 297. **

**Anyway, I don't own anything except the list itself and the platypuses. I think it's time we blow this thing, get everybody and the stuff together! Okay, three, two, one, let's jam! **

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><p><em>289: I will not sing "Sweet Transvestite" from Rocky Horror Picture Show every time I encounter Envy. <em>

"So...you're Envy?" Mustang asked when he, Ed, Hawkeye, Scar, and the chimeras had the mentioned Homunculus surrounded.

Envy went to reply with something condescending and cruel as usual, but Ed butted in, "No, that's just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania!"

"I HATE YOU, BRAT!" Envy lunged, aiming to strangle the red-clad alchemist, but some unknown instinct in Mustang compelled him to snap, setting Envy's skort ablaze...revealing a pink and violet Victoria's Secret thong beneath.

"UNHOLY!" Scar bellowed.

"My virgin eyes!" May shrieked from her precarious perch above them.

"This wasn't in the job description!" Zampano groaned as he, Darius, and Jerso shielded their super-sensitive chimera eyes.

"I knew it!" Ed yelled victoriously as he casually sidestepped away from the flaming Homunculus. "He's a Victoria's Secret model too!"

"He'd in cahoots with Major Armstrong?!" Hawkeye gasped, seeing how her commanding officer seemed to be in a state of catatonia.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH HAVING PRIDE IN MY MASCULINE PHYSIQUE BY DISPLAYING IT TO THE PUBLIC?!" Somehow, Armstrong had heard the commotion from far above.

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><p><em>290: I will not open Candy Mountain to steal organs for human transmutation. <em>

There was blood everywhere, Ed noticed as he scanned the room with blurry, agony-glazed eyes. Al, Al was gone, dead, lost...but where was this blood coming from?

Grunting heavily in exertion, he probed his body for the source of the blood, until...

"THEY TOOK MY FREAKING KIDNEY!"

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><p><em>291: I will not have Ed and Al play the game Bluebird's Illusion. <em>

After everyone in Central Command got ahold of that game, Fuehrer Bradley ordered Ed to be his personal tea server. It didn't make sense, but neither does anything else in fanfiction.

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><p><em>292: I will not turn Roy Mustang into the Human Torch...by setting him on fire. <em>

"Flame on!" Ed squealed in glee as he set a flamethrower on his superior.

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><p><em>293: I will not bring Edward Elric to a theme park so I can laugh when he doesn't meet the height requirements. <em>

Ed managed to bypass the height requirement for the most thrilling roller coaster by hiding in Al's body. However...

"What did you think of the ride?" Havoc asked when all of Mustang's crew disembarked.

"Bruises..." the disembodied, pitiful voice of Edward Elric drifted from within Al's armor. "So much...internal bleeding..."

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><p><em>294: I will not feed Gluttony's stomach laxatives to see if the false portal can get "the runs." <em>

"Ed! ...Ling! ...BROTHER!" Al howled in anguish after his brother, his brother's sassy Asian friend, and the semi-human ficus had been eaten by Gluttony's second mouth that gave even Izumi Curtis nightmares.

"No, I swallowed them!" Gluttony grieved. "How am I supposed to get them out them?"

Al composed himself to the best of his abilities, trying to invent an ingenious plan. "I got it!" He clapped his hands and smashed them into the dirt, transmuting some strange brown substance similar to chocolate. "Eat it!"

Taken aback by Alphonse's change in attitude, Gluttony stammered, "Wh-what?"

"I know, I know. They'll probably come out smelling disgusting and looking brown, but at least Ed'll come back to me!"

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><p><em>295: I will not connect Roy Mustang's "I love dogs!" declaration with the dogs of the military. <em>

"So if you love dogs like your officers say, and all alchemists are dogs of the military, including you, Ed, Armstrong, Basque Gran...Wow, I know you're called the Flame Alchemist, Roy, but..." Hughes trailed off, grinning like a giggly fool.

Mustang smacked him upside the head. "Stop sounding like a Tumblr post!"

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><p><em>296: I will not stick chewed gum in the crevices in Alphonse Elric's armor. <em>

"I'll give you anything if you just let Alphonse go! Don't kill him, too!" Ed pleaded his case to his soon-to-be killer Scar, who leered over him, expressions hidden behind his sunglasses.

"Like what?" Scar asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow. Oh, he planned to let the big little brother escape if he dared not interfere, but this could prove to be interesting, or perhaps insightful concerning the minds of the military's dogs.

Ed huffed and heaved for a few seconds, then made his offer. "Would you mind if I paid you in gum?"

"Ed, that's out last pack of Trident Layers!" Al berated furiously, unable to get up an stop him.

"With sweet strawberry and tasty citrus!" Mustang added, since he'd shown up while Ed had been panting for breath.

Far away, Barry the Chopper heaved a sigh. "No one ever pays me in gum..."

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><p><em>297: I will not claim Alphonse Elric is the Iron Giant. <em>

"Al, don't forget that no matter what, even though you're a soul bound to a suit of armor," said Ed, "you are who you choose to be."

Al gave him a long look, then made a decision. "Superman," he replied, before shooting off into the sky with rocket boots he'd secretly had Winry make for him.

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><p><em>298: Before transmuting something for a fight, I will not yell, "IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!" <em>

The Mighty Mustang Power Rangers had a nice, long run fighting criminals and Homunculi...until someone pointed out how tights made Mustang even more flamboyant.

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><p><em>299: -Nor will I paint Alphonse green, white, and purple and have him cry, "To infinity...and beyond!" <em>

"Would you like more tea, Mrs. Nesbitt?" Elicia offered to her armored surrogate brother in the newly painted armor and pink, flowered hat. The armored boy politely took the Play-Doh cookie from the toddler and threw it inside his armor.

* * *

><p><em>300: -And I must never have anyone yell, "This. Is. SPARTA!" <em>

"This is madness!" Ling declared, waving his hands around to indicate what was going on in the world of Fullmetal Alchemist fan fiction. Ed was fleeing from Hogwarts after being thrown in his eight hundredth Harry Potter crossover, wearing a pointy hat and blubbering about having to lay off the drugs; Alphonse's armor had somehow been turned into a cat chimera; Winry was being inducted into the Homunculi; Pride was sexually harassing Hawkeye; and Mustang was in a sombrero as Hughes talked about his adventures in a maid costume.

"Madness?" Wrath spoke. "This. Is...a very good point you have, as a matter of fact. I have no idea what's going on either."

"These are all from actual fan works I've seen!" Wolf provided, deciding to make an appearance in her own fic.

"BEGONE, YOU UNWANTED SELF-INSERT!" Izumi shrieked, clad in ninja garb, and she roundhouse kicked Wolf in the face until she was knocked all the way from Fanfiction into Deviantart.

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><p><strong>Yes, the 300 reference is number 300. <strong>

**Sorry if it's a lame update, guys. I wrote it under stress because I'm packing up my house to move. On the upside, Brotherhood is back on Netflix! Also, I've decided to just make omakes be occasional treats for when an update gets a lot of feedback. It works out for everyone!**

**I do have to say my favorite was 289!**


	26. 301 through 312

**Well, it's a string of awesome events for me the past few weeks or so, and coming up too! I'm doing cancer research at Uni of Chicago with my old bio teacher and today I successfully handled biohazardous chemotherapy chemicals for an experiment, Peter Capaldi is the Twelfth Doctor, I'm going to Gen-Con next week with one of my friends and I'm cosplaying both Terra Branfor and Lloyd Irving, and I'm trying to work on my Tifa Lockhart and everyone's favorite Edward Elric for whatever I have next! **

**I'm also getting pumped for the moving since I hated my old school, I just finished doing character designs for the protagonist of my book series, and now I'm updating! **

**Again, thanks for all the reviews, especially last time! When we get to a thousand, I plan on giving you all a special bonus chapter made of the crack you all love, plus plenty of surprise cameos! This fic is almost on the first page!**

**Anyways, I don't own anything except the list itself. **

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><p><em>301: I will not tattoo on my stomach a "Tummy Symbol Transmutation Circle" and annihilate my foes with the Care Bear Stare. <em>

Mustang knew all about Hawkeye's horrifically tattooed back, but when she shamelessly displayed to him her newly tattooed stomach, he was at a loss. Usually, it was Ed or Havoc pulling these types of ludicrous stunts, but...

"Hawkeye," he started with shock and awe and a bizarre mixture of horror and hunger in his dulcet tone, "why do you have an enormous bloody scythe tattooed on your stomach?"

"I have decided to become Deathbear in order to better combat the Homunculi, sir," she replied in all seriousness.

"And I'm Asskickingbear!" Ed hollered from the other room, eavesdropping as he had been Hawkeye's cohort.

Mustang needed a new desk immediately afterwards, as his original desk splinted when his hard head smashed into it, having fainted in shock.

* * *

><p><em>302: Giving Alphonse a lightsaber and dying him black won't make him Darth Vader. <em>

"Hey Alphonse!" Jerso called as their odd party traversed the tunnels beneath Briggs. "Yoki tripped over a box of dynamite again up ahead. A live batch."

Al regarded the chimera with soulfire eyes of doom. "He is as clumsy as he is stupid," he droned, marching past the chimera to find the offensive rat.

Yoki didn't even see him coming. Al snatched him up by the mustache and lofted him in the air, eliciting shrieks of indignation and pain. "You have failed me for the last time, Lieutenant Yoki!" He bodily hurled Yoki into the wall, knocking the weasley man unconscious. "Take him away!"

There wasn't anywhere to take Yoki, though, so Scar ended up dragging the worthless bum all the way. "You Amestrians take your Star Wars roleplay too seriously..."

* * *

><p><em>303: I will not write the children's book "If You Give Winry a Wrench." <em>

Winry brained Ed after he published the story. It was far too truthful and mentioned her abuse of him once or twice, after all.

* * *

><p><em>304: -Nor will I write "If You Give a Ling a Lunch." <em>

The series written by one Edward Elric became beloved amongst Amestrian youngsters...as well as all of his old buddies from the Promised Day who chuckled at how Ed trod on the Xingese Prince's personality.

* * *

><p><em>305: I will not refer to Homunculi healing as Time Lord regeneration. <em>

"Ling!" Ed and Al both screeched as their friend underwent the horrendous transformation to become a Homunculus. His body became engulfed by orange light as he died in a sense, coming back from the brink of death as he accepted the Philosopher's Stone. And then...

"Hello!" said a new man standing where Ling had just been. "I'm the Doctor!"

* * *

><p><em>306: Alex Armstrong is not allowed to offer free hugs. <em>

"FREE GLORIOUS SAMPLES!" a shirtless Armstrong bellowed, his sparkles glittering wildly.

"DO NOT WANT!" Mustang yelped like a helpless little infant, fleeing from the clearly insane man.

"What was that?" said one of the new men stationed in Mustang's office in order to complete paperwork.

"Major Armstrong took his shirt off again," Hawkeye hazarded a guess without even glancing up. Seconds later, a terrified Roy Mustang crashed through the window, with a welcoming Armstrong in pursuit, and Hawkeye was lauded as a seer by the more superstitious of the lot. Mustang's old men just shared a knowing snicker.

* * *

><p><em>307: The Homunculi lair is not Doofenschmirtz Evil Incorporated. <em>

"We need to find a way to infiltrate their stronghold," Ed murmured as he, Mustang, Al, and Ling gathered about the table.

"That won't be a problem," Mustang drawled, lazily dismissing everyone's concerns with a wave. "I have Agent P already scouting it out."

"Hey idiot, for the last time, you aren't king of the platypuses!" Ed snapped, facepalming with his automail arm and causing himself a mild concussion as a result.

"You're right," Mustang admitted quietly. Everyone only had an instant to bask in his defeat before he forged on, "I am their Platypus GOD!"

* * *

><p><em>308: Envy is not secretly Lady Gaga. <em>

"Are you wearing a meat dress?" Lust asked in disgust one day.

"This is the flesh of my enemies, Lust!" Envy shot back. It was a lie, the dress most definitely consisted of cold cuts.

* * *

><p><em>309: The Philosopher's Stone cannot be found in the Castle Aaaaaahhhh. <em>

Al made up a little ditty as he and Ed began their trek to Eastern Command.

"Bravely bold Sir Edward strode forth from Risembool! He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Edward! He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways! Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Edward! He was not in the least bit scared to be blown to metal bits! Or to have his face blown up, or his arm all busted! To have his body split, and be transmuted away! Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Edward! His leg caved in and his flesh boiled out and his limbs both removed and his fan girls all out and they'll eat his face and his body as well and-"

"I don't care if you cost me an arm and a leg, continue singing and I'll kill you!" Al wisely shut up.

* * *

><p><em>310: Alphonse Elric cannot transform into a truck, gun, or especially a Volkswagen Beetle. <em>

With Al turning into an Autobot, the brothers obtained a new theme song...

"Alchemists, more than meets the eye! Ed and Al wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Homunculi! (Alchemists, he's bigger than a fly!)"

* * *

><p><em>311: For the sake of all that is inside his stomach, I will never pull Gluttony's finger. <em>

Envy tried it just once, and out came three Philosopher's Stones, Marcoh's alchemy notes, a few rotted limbs, Zuko's honor, series three of Sherlock, and M. Night Shyamalan's directing skills. As well as three tons of methane gas.

* * *

><p><em>312: Stealing the pants someone is currently wearing is not Equivalent Exchange for anything. <em>

"MUUUUUUUSTAAAAANG!" Ed yelled at the top of his impressively uproarious lungs as he lunged at the retreating Colonel. Apparently the man decided good payback for making him wear a miniskirt oh so long ago was making Ed dash around in his skivvies in a sick, twisted game of tag. Hughes made sure to get pictures, and they filled an entire album.

* * *

><p><strong>So what was everyone's favorites! I liked them all this time around...And I've written both If You Give a Ling a Lunch and If You Give Winry a Wrench, so feel free to check them out on my profile!<strong>

**Anyways, I'm really in a quizzing mood, so here's a deal: you guys can ask me anything you want! ...Within reason, meaning no invasion of my privacy (not telling my last name or my specific location, stuff like that). I saw a Facebook page doing this and really wanted to do it. **

**As always, thanks for even reading, and double thanks for letting me reach five hundred favorites and follows, as well as nine hundred whopping reviews! **


	27. 313 through 324

**Well, here I am after a too long hiatus...while it was longer than is excusable, I do have a few good reasons for SOME of the lost time: I'm nearly failing calculus and chemistry, I spent most of my weekends in August and early September just unpacking and helping with things like brickwork...and I've been playing Tales of Xillia. **

**But the worst of it? I LOST THE LIST. I kid you not, I actually lost a good portion of the list and it's still gone. So if these in this chapter seem weaker than usual, it's because I couldn't remember for the life of me what the originals were.**

**Anyways, thanks for nearly a hundred reviews since the last update! You guys are awesome!**

****As usual, I own nothing except the list itself. 316 through 318 are very spoiler heavy for the end of Brotherhood/the manga. Actually, this is a pretty Mustang and Ed-centric chapter. Hehe...Edcentric.****

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><p><em>313: I will not blackmail Edward Elric into selling Girl Scout cookies for research funds.<em>

"Oh, sweetie, you have such beautiful hair!" cooed one middle-aged woman who'd opened her door and mistaken Ed, in his green sash and beanie, for a preteen girl.

She went to play with little Ed's hair, but when he shouted in his manly voice, "I'M NO GIRL, I'M JUST A BISHIE!" she slammed the door in fright.

Ed adjusted his beanie, glanced at his braid, and sighed. "Stupid girly character design..."

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><p><em>314: -Nor will I ask him if he bought any of the Shortbread cookies.<em>

Mustang actually did ask... and Hawkeye found him shoved in a closet five hours later with Peanut Butter Patties jammed in his mouth like a gag, his arms tied back by Ed's Girl Scout sash.

* * *

><p><em>315: Good advice for fighting the monstrous form of Envy is not, "GET UP ON THE HYDRA'S BACK!"<em>

Ed tried his best to focus, he really did. Even with blood splashing all around his, Envy gnashing his teeth in Ed's general direction, and all those grotesque heads screaming about atrocities in the background, Ed was managing to hold his ground.

Ling was being a huge pain, though. "Hey, Ed! GET UP ON THE ENVY'S BACK! GET UP ON THE ENVY'S BACK! GET UP ON THE ENVY'S BACK!"

This went on for three freakin' minutes until Ed finally heeded his advice. "NOW WHAT, NUMBSKULL?!"

Ling pondered this, then threw a pot at Ed, which smacked him in the face. Neither he nor Envy got Ling's obscure reference.

* * *

><p><em>316: I will not refer to Roy Mustang in his blind state as Han Solo.<em>

"Is that Hawkeye in a metal bikini?" Havoc gasped in false astonishment, doing his best to fake a nosebleed by throwing ketchup everywhere.

Mustang couldn't see, but hearing the inflection of amazement in Havoc's voice, he groaned as the mental pictures swarmed him, his hatred for the Gate growing incredibly. "I hate you, Havoc..."

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><p><em>317: -Nor will I ask blind Mustang if he can see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch.<em>

"I may be blind," Mustang said on the first television ad for the sugary cereal, "but even I can see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch."

He was actually holding a box of Lucky Charms, a prank courtesy of Edward Elric.

* * *

><p><em>318: -Nor will I ask him if he saw what I did there.<em>

Mustang had actually put off the use of Marcoh's Philosopher Stone for his eyes for quite a few months, and eventually Christmas rolled around.

The atmosphere in the Hughes residence was jolly and delightful. The scents of apple pie and Christmas cookies filled the air, the room was dimly illuminated by Christmas lights hanging upon the tree, and old friends were reunited. Many who fought on the Promised Day were gathered in the family's household, including Mustang's crew, Alex Armstrong, the Elric brothers and tagalong Winry Rockbell, and even the royalty from Xing had shown up...though Ling mostly came for the food.

As the night went on, Elicia initiated a marathon of Christmas carols, which most of the group joined in. "Said the night wind to the little lamb," Fuery started. "'Do you see what I see?'"

"Well I know Mustang doesn't see it!" Ed broke in with a grin.

"FULLMETAL!"

* * *

><p><em>319: I will not give my comrades Indian names, such as Edward "Subatomic Shrimp Clap Hands" Elric. <em>

This all came to an end when Hawkeye suggested she become Riza "Deadly Lieutenant Shoot Superior" Hawkeye.

* * *

><p><em>320: Despite his name, I will not attempt to ride Mustang.<em>

"Hey Colonel, how many fan girls do you think took this number on the list the wrong way?" Ed asked his superior.

Mustang paused to ponder it, then searched for the amount of RoyEd fan girls on Fanfiction overall. "Well, there about about how many fan girls on here?" he browsed through the Fullmetal Alchemist archives, occasionally curiously perusing a fic or two. As time went on, his face fell more and more until he suddenly rose.

"What? What is it?" Ed asked.

Mustang actually looked...sick. "I have to go feel straight again," was all he said before he abruptly left. Ed was too terrified to look at the computer screen.

* * *

><p><em>321: I will not dress up as Fred the Fish from Spongebob and follow Edward Elric around, yelling, "MY LEG!"<em>

It all backfired when Ed turned around and actually kicked Ling in the knee, giving him a real reason to be screaming about his leg.

* * *

><p><em>322: -Nor will I refer to Lust as the Hash-Slinging Slasher.<em>

When Lust revealed her Ouroboros tattoo, Mustang yelped and actually dropped his gun in terror. "It's her!" he screeched.

Havoc winced and sent an apology to his poor aching eardrums, asking Mustang, "Huh? Who?"

Mustang's eyes were wide and his lip was quivering, but he stammered out, "The Trash-Bringing...the Sash-Singing... the Mash-Ringing..."

"WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PARODIES OF THIS ONE SCENE FROM THE MANGA?!" Lust howled in rage as she nearly vivisected poor Havoc.

* * *

><p><em>323: I will not paint Gluttony pink and refer to him as Kirby.<em>

"BROTHER!" Alphonse shrieked when Ed, Ling, and Envy were enveloped by a blast of darkness and crackling red lightning. The dazzling beam vanished, leaving nothing but a fragment of Envy that slowly disintegrated, and Gluttony failed to stave off a belch.

However, it was after this terrible tragedy that Alphonse witnessed something bizarre that just had some be some sort of alchemical miracle. After Gluttony had swallowed, a braid of gorgeous golden hair materialized on his head, his eyes became squinted, and his clothes twisted and writhed until they resembled Envy's "gender neutral" attire.

If Alphonse had eyes, he would've blinked. "...I've got to lay off the drugs..."

* * *

><p><em>324: Van Hohenheim is not my Brohenheim.<em>

"Van, were you calling for me?" Trisha asked as she rushed into the kitchen. Outside, Hohenheim was peeking through the window and doing his best to maintain a straight face.

"Trisha, meet me by the clothes line," he told her, looking incredibly serious about this.

Immediately concern welled up within Trisha. "What is it, Van? Did something happen?" Looking down, she could see him pulling out a pair of sunglasses. "Oh no..."

"No, but..."

"Please don't do this again."

"That's where I..." he placed the sunglasses over his eyes, still maintaining his tight poker face. "...hang out."

From miles away, even the Rockbells could hear Hohenheim's victorious shout of, "YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!"

* * *

><p><strong>So, yeah, that was the chapter that everyone waited two months for. Kinda underwhelming, I know...<strong>

**Some questions I was asked:**

**"Do you know the Muffin Man?" Sadly, no...I do know the Mutton Man, however. He exists, look him up!**

**"Do you sing?" I can sing Happy Birthday veeeeery off-key, but that's about it...**

**"Who's your favorite Doctor?" Ahh, why would you make me choose? I'm going to go with Eleven though, since he was my first.**

**"How old are you?" Eighteen as of next week!**

**"If you found yourself in Amestris, what would you do?" Well, I don't really have the attention span to be an alchemist, but I'd probably end up becoming some kickass martial artist who meddled waaaay too much in affairs.**


	28. 325 through 336

**My mind says to update, but my heart says to play video games and watch Disney movies...but since I have a snow day tomorrow, I can stay up late and do both!**

**Also, as a response to someone who called me and my self-insert a Sue: My name isn't Sue, it's Lisa. Wolf is the name I chose back in my grade school Neopets days when my mom thought my first name on the internet would have me chased by pedophiles. And here's the way I see it: My little self-insert will never be a main character in this story. I won't have special powers or alchemy or anything besides the ability to change the story and mess with the characters (which my real abilities, since I'm the writer). I'll never be romantically involved with an FMA character in this either, and I'll only be in a handful of chapters when the fourth wall is broken, like with the Homunculi chapter: everyone getting mad at me and threatening my life. If you don't like that, I'm sorry, but cut me some slack. Writing this is harder than it looks, especially since I lost the list, and the little self-insert every now and then is just stress relief, a little bit of fun for me.**

**Anyways, I own nothing but the list itself!**

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><p><em>325: I will not refer to Scar's alchemic powers as "mindblowing."<em>

"We can't keep getting beaten like this! Man, trying to figure out how to face Scar is just a real brain-fart..." Ed moaned as he slumped down on the couch.

"Better a brain-fart than a brain-explosion..." Alphonse murmured sagely.

"YOU'RE NOT HELPING, AL!"

* * *

><p><em>326: I will not show Riza Hawkeye's tattoo on Inked. <em>

The liquor store was sparsely packed, Hawkeye noticed as she nonchalantly strode in and perused the aisles. The Colonel had sent her here on an all-too-important mission...replenishing his stock of whiskey, since "Fullmetal was driving him to drink." This had been the nearest place with alcohol, and though Hawkeye hadn't wanted to go, Mustang had been on one of his insane platypus rants again, and she hadn't wanted to stick through that.

As she waited patiently on the cashier, she overheard a group of bikers discussing their manly additions to their bodies.

"No, check it out, it's a heart for my mom!"

"...Why does everyone get those tattoos? I've got a shark on my bicep!"

"I did a drunken dare once and got a potato tattooed on my spine."

"My whole back is covered with the cast of My Little Pony! ...Hey, lady, what're you looking at?" Hawkeye jolted slightly though in her stoic fashion, turning to the man who addressed her. "You got any cool tats?"

Hawkeye paused, considered her answer, and then contributed her share. "Only a dark and dangerously secret tattoo that entails the secrets of an art that causes death and destruction in its wake and is responsible for the ruin of cities and thousands of people. Nothing major."

She left the store, leaving the crowd gawking in confusion.

* * *

><p><em>327: I will not put Envy's true, tiny form into rigorous training to see if it can evolve into Butterfree. <em>

"Envy, use String Shot!" Lust ordered during one battle with the Elric brothers.

Envy turned to her, sneering. "Lust, that's just disgusting!"

* * *

><p><em>328: I will not forced Dr. Marcoh to watch The Human Centipede and ask if Ishval was like that. <em>

Envy gave the captive Dr. Marcoh an incredulous look. "Are you sure you never sewed someone's mouth to..."

Marcoh rocked himself to and fro, trying to block out the movie's repulsiveness. "I should've made brain bleach instead of a Philosopher's Stone..."

* * *

><p><em>329: I will not refer to Hohenheim and Father as Solid and Liquid Snake. <em>

Van Brohenheim grinned at his errant clone, adjusting his awesome shades. "Dwaaaaaaarf, do you like my sunglasses?"

Ed sighed and facepalmed. "Bastard ditches us and mom to go play video games..."

* * *

><p><em>330: I will not force Edward<em>_ Elric into a Donald Duck costume. _

Mustang thought it was a fabulous idea at first. After all, it poked fun at both Edward's height and over-the-top temper and ranting...

But then everyone remembered that Donald Duck doesn't wear pants, and long story short, Ed sprinting after Mustang in the costume around Central resulted in several restraining orders from various disgusting women and parents...as well as several terrifying love letters.

* * *

><p><em>331: I will not cast Mustang in one of the lead roles of Central Command's production of Singing in the Rain.<em>

"I'm snapping in the rain, just snaaaaapping in the raaaain! What a horrible feeling, there's no flames again!"

"SHUT UP, FULLMETAL!"

* * *

><p><em>332: I will not rewrite the dress code so female officers have to wear TINY MINISKIRTS! <em>

"I didn't expect Fuhrer Bradley to agree with the miniskirts thing," Havoc commented lightly as he watched a couple of the female officers walk by in their brand new miniskirts, which had just arrived the day before. Seeing Hawkeye's critical Hawk's Eye, heaverted his gaze and sighed, wanting to stare but not wanting to lose any gray matter to a bullet in the process.

"Yeah, me neither," Mustang growled as he walked past Havoc to get some coffee. "He took away my greatest promise as future Fuhrer!"

"But still..." Fuery sighed as he pushed up his glasses.

* * *

><p><em>333: - ...Nor will I rewrite the dress code so male officers must wear TINY MINISKIRTS too. <em>

It was then the door to Team Mustang's quarters slammed open, allowing the one and only Fullmetal Alchemist to storm in carrying a highly offensive item. "COLONEL ROY MUSTANG, WHY THE HELL DID FUHRER BRADLEY COME TO SEE ME PERSONALLY AND TELL ME I HAVE TO WEAR THIS!" This happened to be a miniskirt of the same make as the one Hawkeye and everyone else was wearing. He went to rant on, but seeing Mustang in his own blue and white miniskirt gave him pause before he broke down in a spectacular giggle fit.

"I don't like it either Fullmetal -"

"COLONEL MUSTANG, EDWARD ELRIC, I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!"

Ed all but jumped into Mustang's arms in terror and the colonel himself let out a squeal of terror as Major Armstrong burst through the wall in his own waaaay too short skirt.

"RUN!" Ed ordered his superior, and Mustang, too terrified to acknowledge Ed's presence or the insubordinace, fled the scene, carrying his newly psychologically scarred subordinate, his other subordinates not far behind him.

* * *

><p><em>334: Roy Mustang must not replace Lust as the new Homunculus Roy Lustang. <em>

Unlike the previous Lust, Roy Lustang was more into perversion than bloodlust.

"Hey Envy, how about I teach you the laws of...THERMODYNAMICS?"

"FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M NOT A WOMAN!"

* * *

><p><em>335: The Gate of Truth is not the door to Kingdom Hearts. <em>

Alphonse pointed the oversized key he had transmuted at Father, glaring angrily despite it not being apparent. "No, we can't let you have your seven Princess sacrifices!"

"Why am I stuck in this stupid Donald Duck costume again?" Ed was paying less attention to their arch-foe and was instead bemoaning his horrible costume.

Mustang huffed, "Because we called it even for me having to wear this moronic Goofy costume."

But Father had more pressing concerns than the success of his plan. "Why is that short blond boy not wearing pants?!"

* * *

><p><em>336: The Truth is not guarding the secret of "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"<em>

The Truth grinned maliciously at Edward Elric, ready to screw around with its favorite, foolish, human plaything once more. "So you came back for your brother after all! What will you sacrifice this time? Your liver? A kidney-stone, perhaps? All of your body hair?"

Ed shrugged. "Actually, I'm not here for Al at all."

"BROTHER, YOU TRAITOR!"

The Truth tried to raise an intrigued eyebrow, only to remember he had no eyebrows. Hmm, he'd have to steal one from the next person who came to the Gate. "Well, why are you here then?"

Ed rifled through his pockets for a couple minutes. Finally, he pulled out a tiny sucker wrapped in a vivid orange wrapper. "I need to know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie -"

"It's five hundred and eighty-six licks." Ed blinked owlishly, not having expected a real answer. "Oh come on, you're not the first to ask. You had your answer, now pay up!"

Five minutes later, Ed was teleported onto the desk of Colonel Mustang, missing yet another leg. Mustang shrieked and jumped out of his seat, not having expect his subordinate to ever arrive in a manner like this. "FULLMETAL! What the hell happened? Who did this to you?!"

"My own curiosity did..." Ed whimpered in pain before he passed out.

* * *

><p><strong>I'm not too happy with most of these...but Brohenheim has returned! And I'm going to try to write a oneshot about Roy Lustang, since I ended up writing a bunch of little drabbles about it. I'll combine them all for one big, hilarious oneshot!<strong>

**Anyways, I'm really sorry guys. I'm going to keep trying to finish this, but who knows, it's just getting worse as time goes on. I think a couple of chapters ago was my humor's peak...Long story short, I may not finish this since I'm losing inspiration. I'm really sorry. **


	29. 337 through 348

**Okay, so I know this update took forever...but I do have some excuses! Granted not enough to excuse this long of a hiatus, but they're not bad. I've been super stressed out over college, family drama, polishing my book's final draft, and then...Tales of Symphonia Chronicles. That game is so addicting. To anyone who plays Tales, YOU CAN MAKE KRATOS RIDE THE ROLLERCOASTER. **

**Anyways, I want to give a special shout-out to ZakuroU, who actually recommended this fic to Todd Haberkorn (AKA the voice of Ling Yao). Thanks so much for doing that, and if you're reading this Todd, your voice work is awesome!**

**Annnnyyyyyyways, I own nothing but the list itself. Enjoy! Just a warning, but there is a semi-obscure reference to Tales of Xillia in 347, so if you're unfamiliar I reccomend looking up "Teach me about bazongas" on Google and telling me if the old man's voice sounds familiar. XD**

* * *

><p><em>337.) I will not turn Father's five human sacrifices into the Avengers.<em>

Ed scowled at Mustang and shifted uncomfortably in his red, white, and blue spandex, feeling extremely uncomfortable wearing superhero cosplay gear in the presence of Homunculi but also loving every minute of it. Technically they SHOULD be trying to fight Father, but since it was Avengers roleplay day (they couldn't go against their schedule after all, and they'd all wanted something different from Star Wars day), they really had to argue until the death of a comrade inspired them. "Big Colonel in a pair of fancy gloves. Take those away and what are you?"

Mustang shrugged and tried to give Ed a sizzling glare, but due to his blindness he ended up awkwardly staring at Izumi's bust. "...Genius. Fuhrer. Playboy. Philanthropist."

"YOU'RE NOT FUHRER YET, YOU LIAR!"

"Why am I wearing Colonel Mustang's drapes again?" Hohenheim asked, fidgeting with his new fancy hammer despite barely being able to lift it. "And who is this Thor person?"

Izumi, just as out of the pop culture scene as him, shrugged, though he continued to fiddle with Black Widow's assorted weapons. She had to admit, she liked this role.

Finally having enough of all these list entries concerning Fullmetal Alchemist characters dressing up as other fictional characters, Father stormed away from his seat, stomped past a befuddled Pride who considered himself above such tomfoolery as costumery, and foully hissed at the closest sacrifice, which happened to be Alphonse, "Enough of this! I am a god-"

Alphonse, painted green for the occasion, snatched Father by the ankle and bodily whipped him into the ground many, many times, leaving the ground in ruins where Father agonizingly struck it. "BE QUIET, NO ONE RUINS COSPLAY DAYS FOR ME!"

You never want to see Alphonse angry.

* * *

><p><em>338.) -Obviously Lieutenant Hawkeye must not play the role of Hawkeye either. <em>

"Killjoy," Havoc sighed at Hawkeye. He'd played along, after all, being forced to dress as Agent Coulson and letting himself get "killed."

Hawkeye sighed as well, though hers was born from exasperation rather than disappointment. "The casting of me as Hawkeye is too obvious a joke..."

* * *

><p><em>339.) I will not say Scar is "Ishballin'."<em>

Once Ed made that pun, Scar was never seen playing basketball again.

* * *

><p><em>340.) I will not sing "If You're Tiny and You Know It, Clap Your Hands" in front of Edward Elric, for it is a highly dangerous song. <em>

Mustang really didn't know when to quit, even when Ed made several threats against Mustang's life, health, and manhood. "If you're shrimpy and you know and you really want to show it! If you're shrimpy and you know it clap-"

"FINE, I'LL CLAP!" Ed yelled. Grinning manically, Ed clapped his hands together, producing the ominous, crackling blue light of alchemy. Still grinning like the mad spawn of the devil Ed slammed his palms into the ground, transmuting a great palm from the floor that slammed into Mustang and hurled him out the window.

Roy never sang nursery rhymes in front of Edward again.

* * *

><p><em>341.) I will not explain to Alphonse how cat is a staple in the Xingese diet. <em>

It had been a long day at work in Central Command. Mounds and mounds of paperwork that the Colonel refused to fill out had somehow migrated to the desks of his inferior subordinates, and as a result the work had overwhelmed his crew, Havoc in particular. It didn't help that he had songs by some guy named Odd Mal or something or other.

They say the best way to get a song out of your head is to sing it, and that's just what he did.

"Has it ever crossed your mind when you're eating Xingese, it's not chicken or pork but a fat Siamese? Yet the food tastes great so you don't complain, but that's not chicken in your chicken chow mein!"

By now the rest of Mustang's underappreciated pencil pushers were gawking at Havoc. Hawkeye was staring at him like he'd grown a second head and was discussing masty take-out with it, but to his relief Fuery and Breda also knew the song and ended up singing along, though very off-key.

"Seems to me I ordered sweet-and-sour pork, but Garfield's on my fork! He's purring here on my fork!" Hawkeye abruptly adopted a look of panic. Turning to follow her gaze, Breda and Fuery felt their own eyes widen and their lips quiver in shame and fear, but Havoc, his eyes closed in a bout of deep focus, did not notice their anxiety. "...There's a cat in the kettle at the Peking Moon, the place that I eat every day at noon, They can feed you cat and you'll never know-"

"THEY EAT CAT?!" cried a high, tinny voice. Havoc's eyes snappd open and he spun to face Alphonse, who'd entered the room mere seconds ago. Before he could utter an apology, the armored boy fled the room, making these anguished sobbing noises...noises that escaped Havoc's own mouth as an enraged Fullmetal Alchemist chased him around Central for making his little brother cry.

* * *

><p><em>342.) I will not call Gluttony the Pillsbury Doughboy and poke him repeatedly in the gut. <em>

In the end they couldn't even have Gluttony as their mascot anyways, he ate any baked products he so much as stood next to, let alone got a whiff of...and he ate several photographers as well.

* * *

><p><em>343.) Envy is not actually Mystique from the X-Men. <em>

In the end, Envy's true form was not a grotesque green caterpillar, nor was it the manifestation of human suffering and death. Envy's true form had ginger hair, and that was more shaming than anything.

* * *

><p><em>344.) On the note of superheroes, a better name for Wrath is not Fury and I really shouldn't dye his skin brown. <em>

The Promised Day had come. The Fuhrer had somehow come back from the dead to storm the now-hostile Central Command. With his skin unethically dyed brown, his head shaved bald, and his beloved black eyepatch on, there was only one thing to say...

"I AM TIRED OF ALL THESE MOTHER-bleep-ING TRAITORS IN THIS MOTHER-bleep-ING CITY!"

* * *

><p><em>345.) Despite them nearly being the same thing, I will not refer to Philosopher's Stones as Exspheres. <em>

Ed could have fought Pride with conventional methods, he really could have. He could have punched and kicked and utilized all the complex combat maneuvers Izumi had taught him...

But spamming Pride with the same special attack over and over again was so much easier. "DEMON FANG! DEMON FANG! DEMON FANG! DEMON FANG!"

Pride eventually crumpled under all the Hadoken-ripoff energy waves.

* * *

><p><em>346.) I do not need to potty train my dog of the military.<em>

They didn't need any other training, either.

"Colonel, sit. Stay. Do paperwork." Riza spoke her orders with such seriousness that a lesser man would have obeyed...actually, it was almost certain even Fuhrer Bradley would listen to such a terrifying women.

However, stubborn man-child Mustang took orders from no one. "No!" BANG! The Colonel whimpered and cowered in his seat as a bullet neatly shot off one of his messy strands of hair. "Lieutenant, you can't shoot at me!"

"Bad dog," she said, shooting off another strand of hair again. This sort of training worked for Black Hayate, after all.

"Lieutenant, hello!" Alphonse cried as he and Edward entered the room, Al dragging his grumpy older brother in via a sturdy leash.

"Hello, Alphonse," Hawkeye greeted cordially, keeping one hawk's eye on the disobedient Mustang. "How's your dog training going?"

"Brother likes to growl at me a lot," Alphonse admitted with a sigh, giving Ed a light yank on his leash.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, WE'RE NOT DOGS-"

BANG! Hawkeye skillfully shot off Ed's little antennae, eliciting a shriek of indignant rage and fright from the pint-sized alchemist. "Do you think that helps your problem?"

* * *

><p><em>347.) Roy Mustang is neither Fuhrer of Amestris nor King of Auj Oule, nor is Ling Yao an eldery conductor and mage. <em>

After Ling got Ed to unwittingly shout, "TEACH ME ABOUT BAZONGAS!" in the presences of Winry and Hawkeye, no one trusted the Xingese prince again.

* * *

><p><em>348.) Roy Mustang can't set fire to the rain. <em>

"AND I'M SO UUUUUUUSELESSSSSS IN THE RAAAAIIIIIN!" Underneath his umbrella on that drizzly day, Ed sang to the infamous Adele tune, suprisingly on-key, in the presence of his extremely pissed off superior.

"I TOLD YOU TO NEVER SING THAT AGAIN!" Mustang roared, moving to snap his fingers before remembering his gloves were wet. "I'll have you dishonorably discharged!"

To Ed, it was worth it just to mess with the Colonel. "AND THOSE CLOUDS, THEY WOULD RUE ALL THOSE TIMES THAT THEY PISSED ON MY FLAMES, ON MY FLAMES!"

Roy shook his sopping wet head in disgust and vowed to set fire to the Edward later.

* * *

><p><strong>So for making nearly all of that up as I went (only 340, 341, and 342 were on my list), that...wasn't too bad. If you want to see the full song for 348, check out my oneshot Useless In the Rain and don't mind my blatant self-advertising!<strong>


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